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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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Wow... my life, I swear...
Starting with the most recent of events, my trial was on Thursday. I waited nervously for my name to be called as behind me sat the cop, who of course did show for this, and in front of me were two men getting hauled off in cuffs right from the stand. Their charges even sounded less severe than mine! And then of course... the judge, was not only a woman, she was also black. (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT racist in any way, shape, or form - you just KNOW how black women of power are!! - i.e. I knew I was fucked!)
As it turns out, all my researching of lawyers paid off (literally) as my lawyer got the "street racing" charge thrown out completely. But as far as the "resisting arrest," I guess the courts heavily look down on that. Maybe that's why cops give it at any chance they get - I obviously wasn't racing, so he probably knew he wouldn't have enough evidence to prove this, so he slapped me with "resisting arrest" even though I never even had one second to! But my lawyer pulled me aside and said that all the judge is going to have to do is ask the cop how I resisted - he will prove that he asked me to get back in my car and I disobeyed, and that will be all the judge needs to hear. Since when is disobeying a command resisting arrest? I was nowhere near under arrest at that time, "get back in the vehicle" was literally the FIRST words that cop said to me! Whatever. There was nothing I could do...
So I'm on fucking probation, in some "misdemeanor intervention program." I have to pay $500 to go into the program, and pay for every subsequent month I'm on probation. There will probably be community service or some shit involved, but I have to wait and see. But on the brighter side, my laywer had the state drop BOTH charges completely and never go on my record if I complete this program. So even though I'm getting nailed for this "resisting arrest," it still won't show up on my record, and the "street racing" charge never made it anywhere. My arrest will be the only evidence of any of this on record. So I guess that's good and I came out on top... but I'm four fucking grand lighter, so it's hard to celebrate heh...
But of course, last night we found a way to anyway...
I have to back up before getting into that, however, to re-visit some of the occurrences that led up to this night among my victory in court. I left off talking about a girl I'd just met - the german one with the cute accent that captured my heart with her music... yeah... finally got her, slept with her, the whole nine... and then she proved to me that she is just another girl (with another crazy ex-girlfriend.) Fuck 'em man, I am so sick of the games! Immaturity at it's finest, it repulses me and that's when my ego really comes out. Because I'm not sorry, I'm better than that bullshit. Think what you want of me, but I don't have time for girls who don't know what they want; I HAVE my shit together, and am waiting to find the girl who does, too...
So then comes the other girl with an accent I've also had a crush on. This one is arabic, however. She speaks four fucking languages! She is a co-worker of mine, and by far the hottest fucking woman in that entire office - everyone, and I mean everyone secretly wants her. Knowing she's straight, I've kept my distance - this usually doesn't phase me, as I can get them anyway - but she is so sophisticated that it makes me nervous. I am not as polished as her, and have not one thing on her - usually I know I've got this, because I've got a lot of things on the other girl... but not this one. She's better than me in every aspect. She's much hotter, foreign, speaks FRENCH! among three other languages, she's older, more successful, has more money... just, everything. So needless to say, the thought of her and I never crossed my mind in any serious manner. But as we get closer in gradual ways, she's pulling me farther into something I hope I can get myself out of! It started with her asking me to work on a project at work with her because of my Photoshop etc. skills, then we get put on the same job together for the Open Houses, she always comes to my desk now to steal my iPhone charger, random little shit like that... until last night, haha... and oh god, what a night...
But I must back up once more, to earlier that day, when that girl and I got our tarot cards read together. How cute, haha... we got completely different readings though! Both times my cards were laid, the "fortune" card was present; The first time, in the middle, which is very powerful. To the right, laid the "princess of cups" card, and to the left was some card representing hard work and achievement. Now, this princess of cups card comes up to represent a girl, one who is a gentle, romantic individual with high levels of intuition. The princess of cups is compassionate and caring, warm and responsive. She is at peace with her emotional nature, often highly creative and artistic. She has a certain fragility, particularly when coming into contact with the harsher realities of everyday life, and will not always cope well with conflict. In her world, tranquillity and harmony are highly valued. If, as often happens with the Princesses of the deck, the card comes up to represent a change in events, then the interpretation broadens out somewhat. The card appears to indicate a woman falling in love.
Very, very fucking interesting. Basically, my reading said that with the two first cards laid the way they were, it indicated that all my hard work and dedication will soon be rewarded and everything will pay off very soon. The princess of cups indicates a girl who has come into my life that will actually assist in this fortune of mine that will be arising soon. Of course, with that entire description of this "girl," it led to no other than the german girl I sought before. I did so, because she WAS all those things - because for once, I felt like we could have a two-way relationship where we both could learn and give to the other. I'm constantly in one-way relationships where I give everything, I am everything, and I do fucking everything. I didn't feel that way with this girl. She amazes me in no sort of superficial way - in fact, I don't even think she's that cute. But that's what's great about my attraction to her - it obviously runs much deeper than the surface. We have something here... we truly do. But I am a risk to her, and she really hurt me with her indecisiveness. So much so, that I just flat out departed from the situation. Her ex was driving me crazy with her empty threats, and it clouded this girl's vision so much that it took her focus from me. She got derailed, and... I just didn't look back or wait for us to get back on track. All I saw were red flags waving... so I left. Raquel really fucked me up... I'm so fucking quick to abandon ship now, no one even really gets a chance... So this reading shook me. It was something I really wasn't ready to hear, or didn't want to, I'm not sure which. Because I know exactly what it meant, and how she would "aid in my fortune." I'm constantly pushing her... to her music, to stop stressing about situations and put all that effort into her music. I push her to practice so we can get her a recording... we've talked about her first music video, and how I'm going to shoot it. Now I'm not saying this means she's "definitely going to make it!" no... but the one thing I'm passionate about, she is the other end to - and together we could make beautiful, beautiful things... together, we could be very fortunate, yes. I am what she needs to get her music on the map... and she is what I need to put my skills into motion and finally make something of all my hard work. So I understood those cards so well... but now.... I'm just perplexed.
So after that, that girl from work (the arabic one) asks if I want to go have drinks when we get off. My head is so heavy and confused with thought of the german girl now, that I just decide that hell yeah, I'd rather just go out with this hot girl instead and get my mind off things... So we end up at Blue Martini in Metro West with two other male co-workers of ours. Man do we have a blast... I'm just sitting there, out on the ridiculous deck of that place, staring over the city and drinking with all these young business professionals thinking... "hell yeah... now this is more like it." We're all sitting around in nice suits and ties, sipping martinis... I fucking love Metro West, I feel most in my element when I'm surrounded by those types of people. It was just so cool, calm, and collected... no drama, no immaturity... just pure sophistication within obvious successes. It was then that this german girl escaped my mind completely... being there showed me just how immature the situation was with her, and how much above it I really am. But then again, this was probably just my ego talking, because not many people can hang out at this place - and I knew she was not one of them, and therefore not completely on my "level." All of a sudden, my attention was only focused on the arabic girl sitting beside me, so sophisticated with her drink in hand. :)
We must have knocked down more drinks than I can even remember... drink after drink after shot after shot... I'd swallow the last sip of my drink, and by the time I could even put the glass down, she already had another one on the table for me. Conversation just got lost from there... somehow it comes up that she's been married before - AND GOT MARRIED IN A WHITE TUXEDO! What... the... fuck?! This peaked my interest and from here on out, I hammered her on girls haha... "You mean to tell me you got married in PANTS, but have never even KISSED a GIRL?!" haha... she said that even through college, she never kissed a girl. She said that even for our company Christmas party, she will even be the only girl wearing pants... evidently she just doesn't like dresses. But it makes no sense because she's extremely feminine and has an awesome figure... so what the hell?
Next thing I know, she loses herself out on the dance floor, my co-worker to my right has two girls all over him, and I... I am fucking making out with my other co-worker to my left! What the hell?! He's black, too how funny is that? We must have looked SO odd... some girl even came over to comment, and said she never would have thought we could be an "item" and I was like "Yeah, cause you thought I was gay, right?" and she actually said no, not at all, that she just thought I had style. Funny... we then told her I was gay, haha. But the majority of the night was spent with the girl though... she kept dragging me to the dance floor and I won't lie, it was so fun haha. She'd put my arms around her to force our way through the floor, yelling "Mhm, this is my girlfriend...." haha. And I'm just like "girl, what are you doing to me, haha...." and we'd dance together and.... haha yeeeah.... I think I'm definitely going to have to try to move in, in stealth mode or something... I gotta at least find out what's possible here! I mean she got married in pants!! Haha...
So as I get a text from Raquel nonetheless- the first time either one of us have broken the silence in six months now - I am in the midst of all this ridiculousness, and realize the time. "Shit, I have to go!" I exclaim to this girl, as I really did have shit to do that night and only expected to stay out for like an hour or so. Of course she says nonsense, and orders us another shot haha... which, of course led to me replying to that text in a completely inappropriate way, and in turn we've been talking all day now. Ugh... stupid alcohol gets the best of me every time. An hour later, I finally decide I really have to go, so we get the tab. Um... $300! "No fucking way," we all exclaim, as this was supposed to be happy hour, so all my drinks were on two of my co-workers. We find our waitress to find out what the hell happened here, and awkwardly the arabic girl's ex-boyfriend had showed up earlier and was lurking around the bar all night. He actually emerges while we're disputing the bill, and he just... takes it right from the waitress, pulls cash out of his pocket and tells her it's on him. What the hell? That wasn't just some $50 bar tab! Metro West man... I'm telling you, these filthy rich young motherfuckers haha. I said whatever and left... I had so much to do when I get home to prepare for this party at my house the next day... but god by the time I made it home, I was too wasted to do any of it and just ended up passing out, only to dream of the damn arabic girl ALL fucking night haha... jesus.
I really need to find my place in life, haha. I feel in place when I'm in places like Metro West, but there's a sense of arrogance that comes along with that, that I don't necessarily feel in myself. I feel most comfortable when I'm playing board games with some friends and being ridiculous, but there's a sense of immaturity in that, that I don't necessarily feel in myself. I feel reckless when I'm out drunk and dancing, kissing whoever I feel like, though I'm having fun.... but then I wake up and ask myself when the last time was that I actually shared a kiss that made me feel anything inside; And I somewhat long for domestication. I feel like I have a little bit of all of this inside of me, but it can't possibly make me whole; Arrogance, immaturity, recklessness, and a longing for domestication do not make sense as a whole... so what the hell is my deal? I don't get it. I swear I have to have more than one personality... I have to.
One of these days I'll figure it out...
One can only hope.
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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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I haven't been documenting the things I've wanted to follow my progress in... but there's no way I'm about to catch up here on my life as a whole, it's too much...
I can't remember where I left off, but I have my ears now up to 5mm (4g), OUCH. The taper is stuck through my ear right now... so I guess I should say ONE ear is up to a 4g haha. The other is still at 8g. I wanted to monitor my progress to see how quick a person could go from an 18g to a 0g. "They" say you should only stretch one size per month, but I'm pretty sure I've been averaging two per month. This shit hurts... but it's holding me over while I can't afford another tattoo haha.
I got in so far over my head with money, that I'm in so much trouble but I barely let on... I'll get it right again, I'm just coming dangerously close to having to pull from my 401K... this lawyer bullshit is killing me! My trial is on the 12th... final trial to decide what's going to happen to me... then I'll be in debt all over again I'm sure, haha... that or they'll send me to jail and relieve me of all financial burden....
I'm failing my classes right now due to committing academic suicide... some instructor tried to call me out, so I called his bluff and in turn called him out and started talking to him in a manner that I never meant to, and... yeah... I don't even know what came over me, I was just so pissed that I started out with "First off, don't you EVER come at me like that again!" and went on to belittle him my calling out his grammatical errors in his accusations, etc... What is my problem with authority? It's like I have no fucking composure, the second I feel disrespected it's like it's my primal instinct to destroy this person... cop, teacher, whoever - never matters. I've been thrown in jail for this, and now may face dismissal from school - when do I learn?
The second I fucking wake up and stop thinking I'm better than those who try and test me... I may be, but that complex gets in the way.
I have met someone recently who... funny enough, despite who I'd become through Tampa and the relationship that led me there - called me out instantly and asked me to show her my real face. Perplexed, I brushed her off as "You don't fucking know me..." but the further she pushed, the closer it drew me into her. I knew she was a truth I was finally ready to face... but where she's leading me is to a place maybe I'm not so ready to face...
Alluring as she is, with her German accent - I know that it is her music, her voice that speaks to me in the way of this attraction. Her spirituality is a guide into her soul that is very much in tune with my own. Looking at us from the surface though, reflects polar opposites so unlikely to fuse; Yet our resistance to the entertainment of this thought seems to be slowly losing ground. We talk... all day, almost every day; Intellectually stimulating conversation that breaks the monotony of our daily tasks, as we both work for a college and do almost the same job. She comes to my house and plays my guitar almost better than I do... her voice is always singing from every corner of the house; I can't remember if I've ever seen her in any instance that she did not sing in at some point... it's refreshingly beautiful in a scene I haven't seen in quite some time. Some days I can't believe, yet others I'm on my knees, begging for something real... god, just show me something REAL...
...and there she was.
This becoming is so hard for me to comprehend; As Dani is now a Suicide Girl, Autumn is now in rehab haha, Raquel still has her rock star complex as far as I know, Sara is still a porn star... and the list goes on. I am a notorious status dater, haha - every last girl I've ever been with is some model, rock star, porn star... and it's not because I seek that status, that's just who I attract because I myself am so excessive in my being. It's been so goddamn interesting watching the subtle changes this girl brings about, as when I first met her, I was still living in Tampa and hadn't shaken that mentality I inherited upon moving there. She was quite repulsed by my behavior and rock star mentality, and I brushed her off as someone I would never connect with anyway...
...and then I actually listened when she spoke.
Who the hell have I become? Someone even I don't recognize... All I fucking wanted was for Raquel to be honest with me... to be honest with her fucking self! That girl loves me like she's never loved anyone before, but never had any way to fucking comprehend it. I loved her, too but she just. kept. PUSHING. It pisses me off to no end to think about that girl and all I did for her... to think about how unconditionally I loved her and tried so hard to save her from herself - to bring her out of this shell she buried herself in as she's been losing pieces of herself ever since... Slowly, painfully she's losing who she truly is; I saw through it in the same way this girl saw through me. Only I'm open to the change, to the warmth someone else can bring... Raquel was just so cold, so heartless. She didn't care that I saw through her and wished to embrace the beauty I saw underneath it all - she wants to keep her borrowed skin and never change, never evolve. And once that became clear, I walked away in permanence. Nothing about us has ever been as permanent as this... as me walking away, for the last time, from her element, her city... and back into mine, the one I never should have left.
Does it hurt? Of course it does. I can't stand leaving someone I love, to never be heard from again... to be those thousand endings with no goodbye... but she didn't deserve one, and I had more self respect than that. In all honesty, I probably could still look at her again in the way I once did - but she ruined it with him. That was undoubtedly the last straw... telling me over and over again how she doesn't even care for him, yet needed that self image SO badly that she couldn't even take herself to where her heart was leading her - no, instead it was more important for her to risk true love or happiness for fucking self image. Pathetic... so fucking pathetic. I shouldn't even regard her as a human being anymore, for as fake as the substance of her being is.
Where the fuck did she adopt this custom? Grow up! Do something amazing! Leave your mark in this world!! There is no other girl that would have suited her better... I would have brought these things out in her, and she could be 10x more content with her life right now... but she's still living her lie... so I just let her be.
And in her absence, I have grown. I carried the burdens of her sins for so long that they became a part of me; A part of me that went undetected through my own eyes... I never realized how cold I'd become on account of her torture - how untrusting I'd become through all of her pointless lies she knew I could see through, yet she kept lying anyway. Relationships were never formed after her; only one night - two month stands... Autumn fucked up once and never got another chance... Dani, the same. They both to this day, still try. But it was like Raquel had exhausted every chance I had inside of me for eternity; she stole them all, left nothing for anyone who may be her successor. After her, I never believed in second chances. She disregarded them over and over, so many times that I found no point in chance anymore...
...and then by chance, she found me.
All of a sudden I'm trying to believe in things that I don't know; Not just in the things I have lost, but in things that I may never know... but it's a faith; and that's more than I've held for as long as I can remember... She believes. In me, in herself... in the world, in things that only I've seen... she believes.
This has absolutely nothing to do with "Gawd!" I just want to throw that out there, haha... We are not believers in any one god, we are believers of parallels and co-existence; believers of oneself... Believers of change as the only constant... but most of all believers of the beauty within. And through artistic expression, these words take shape in a form of affection that I've not felt before. I stand dumbfounded before her, as her voice rings through the empty echoes I've known for so long, bringing the most sincere smile to my face that could never, ever lie. I have seen raw talent before, but not like this. She's so amazing that it brings back the inspiration I once had to accomplish these things she is doing, right in front of me. That could be me... that could be me. But it's not, because I had lost myself in the war; I've never been the same since Tampa. All my inspirations were killed, intentions were left at the door... I used to be something amazing, I used to leave marks in this world... but not anymore. My heart has been deadened, and I've had no desire to feel anything, ever again...
She always said one day I'd thank her...
But that day will never come, Raquel.
No one ever killed me, the way that you did... No one.
One moment... one fucking moment of your honesty could have brought you closer to me... could have saved us both. But you said fuck it, I was never fucking worth it... and now you miss me every goddamn day since. I'm ashamed to admit that I miss you as well; Unfortunately you killed everything inside of me, but you couldn't kill off those feelings I held for you while you were at it... thanks for that, by the way; Now this is how we have to live, despite them. But you'd have to be a completely different person for me to even want to look at you again...
I don't know where things will go with this girl, but my ability to feel anything other than pain seems to be resurfacing. Maybe I'll even sing again... my voice, it has been silent for so long - but there's a change in the wind... and as my voice is carried in it...
I remember how it feels to smile.
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Thursday, September 24th, 2009
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A broadcast to my mob family!
Haha... facebook. Anyway!
This post merits a response, so if you still read this... (I've even enabled anonymous posting for all you lurkers I know of) then you should tell me your honest opinion, even if I may not want to hear it.
I've recently grabbed the attention of a management company out in Los Angeles, with interest in one, if not more of my screenplays. I don't want to get too much into all that yet, because the specifics won't be worked out until I hop a flight to L.A. to talk with them about production... and in order to do that, I must first do A LOT in preparation. So anyway... the real point in question before all of that:
I'm having a really hard time deciding if I should change my name. I've done a lot of research... A LOT of research, and it appears as though 98% of directors or entertainers in general do change their names, for whatever reason. I have a lot of reasons I should, yet also should not. And then which name to even choose... well, that's a whole different story.
On one hand:
Would it be awesome to see my name on screen, and know that everyone from my past and present will know exactly who that is, and see how far I made it despite the things they themselves may have put me through to prevent this becoming? Of course! Is it respectful to my family to keep the name they gave me? Absolutely. Do I have any problems with my current name? No, never have. Is it going to be easier to save the hassles of court charades in order to do this? Absolutely.
Yet on the other:
I have a past. One that can easily be looked up with one click of a button. Do I need that shit constantly coming up while I'm trying to make a respectable name for myself? No, I do not. And as much as it would be cool to have everyone from my past see my name and know I've made it, people also always say that it is then that these people will make their return in some way - most likely wanting something. I already have way too many people who want something from me, I really don't need to make a career of it. And lastly - anyone who wants to make a "name" for themselves needs to have a crucial name that people will remember; one that stands out and resembles you as a whole. When you think of "Spike Lee," what do you see...?
I've gone back and forth about this, and am starting to lean more towards the idea of undergoing a name change; Yet I want to keep my first given name, with respect to my parents. As far as my last name, I mean... it's not even my family's last name, I've never been a part of that - the only connection I have to it is to my estranged grandfather all the way in Pennsylvania whom no one even communicates with. The name has never really meant much to me, there's no pride behind it when no one in my family even shares it with me.
So with that being said, I know my first name will remain Tiffany, YET, I will not use it, however. I would use my new middle and last name on screen, omitting the first name of "Tiffany," yet still holding it as my legal first name. Ultimately, I'd still want my middle name, now first name, to start with the letter "T" as well.
I've been through A LOT of names! Studying the origins, meanings, etc... there's not a lot that I liked - and if I did, the meaning behind it didn't portray me in any sense. So I came across the name "Taryn" that caught my eye. It sounded good with the last name I'd chose, and was different. It does remind me too much of "Karen," which is a name I've never liked, but it's still very different. It is an androgynous name mostly found in England (ha!) and means "Queen." Pretentious? Maybe... but I like it for more than that. I researched the name to see if anyone else has already made this name famous - and no one has. It's just a thought, but the only name that's made the cut so far. I found Tayden, Tiege, and some others that were unique, but they didn't sound as nice.
For the last name, it needs to be one syllable. For the reason that I've been called this a lot, I do like the idea of "Bond," haha. And fucking hilariously enough, I took a stupid online quiz thing to find out "which movie badass" I'd be if I were one, and it chose James Bond for me, haha. For the exact reasons that I'd choose that last name for myself - It represents a fast, clever and refined character, with a raw magnetism that women just can't turn down, HAHA. He also has the ability to change face and hair color at will, which... hello, so me. Haha... he's a genius! And successful because of it, and... I'd love to be known for that as well. It's simple and easy, people will definitely remember it.
So Taryn Bond... Tiffany Taryn Bond is what I've come up with so far, though it's merely a rough draft. But I definitely see that as a directors name, haha. "A Taryn Bond film," haha - it looks legit. ;) Does remind me slightly of "Quentin Tarantino," but that's kinda cool since he's also this unconventional filmmaker, who represents something different.
Being that I'm currently in the middle of a criminal case, I am not allowed to undergo this name change, should I choose to do so, until my case is closed; So I've got some time to think about it before I submit my screenplay into the WGA and then send them off to agents and management companies. I just have to make the decision before then, because I need a permanent name to put on these screenplays.
But I'm looking for second opinions... I'm not completely sold on this idea.
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Friday, September 18th, 2009
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Does there comes a point in life when you have everything you want, you are exactly where you want to be, and you are exactly who you want to be... so in turn, you start questioning and second guessing yourself?
Heavy in thought, I laid my head in my hands in a complete misunderstanding of myself and my surroundings. Where am I... who am I? My only purpose here is to evolve; And I keep myself in check through transcendental studies, but my search for new consciousness keeps coming up short. Is it me? Have I stopped evolving?
"Preposterous" I think, as I turn to face the mirror... Am I exactly who I want to be?
"...yes I am," I say out loud with conviction, yet without emotion.
Then move forward.
Once we have reached a goal, it is not then time to disarm our will to keep moving forward, we must task ourselves to be better than those before us - especially if "those" are previous forms of us. Satisfaction is evolution, not a stagnant goal once reached.
So I've graduated... I moved out of Tampa. I got a new house with all new furnishings. I started over; I'm no one that I used to be... but despite all my accomplishments, something still lingers as bothersome. Unable to pinpoint the exact transgressor, I'm left in a state of weariness with empty suspicions. It could be this... or maybe it's that... but the point remains, there's a particle of my being that did not evolve with the rest of me - and I'm starting to suspect my surroundings once again...
Interrupting my half-conscious trance, Evan brings me a book he thinks I may find useful in this confounded state of mine; Organic Alchemy, a philosophy and a practice with an aim of achieving ultimate wisdom. "Interesting," I think as I read only one chapter, but that one chapter alone brings me to realization. As fast as you conform your life to a pure idea in your mind, that will unfold it's great proportions; A correspondent revolution in things will attend the influx of the spirit.
Build, therefore, your own world.
Transcendentalism is the excess of faith; the presentiment of a faith proper to us in our integrity, excessive only when our imperfect obedience hinders the satisfaction of our wish. And here I am, searching for that faith... when really it's not the faith that I am missing... it's faith that put me here.
I strive to be too perfect, I wear even myself out. My room is completely spotless, smells of the perfect scent of cider as I religiously burn candles and oils to keep the smell alive... for no one's sake but my own. My clothes are perfectly hung in perfectly organized closets, all arranged by color with one closet for formal clothes, and one for street clothes. If my hair is not perfect, it's in a perfectly coordinated hat... if my clothes aren't pressed and starched, I find no use in wearing them... If I am not perfect in who I wish to be, then I am no one, even to myself.
I've taken this too far; Rewind.
Whatever made me this way? What brought fourth this becoming? ...Imperfect obedience?
I should be satisfied with my wishes, I've accomplished them all. Everything I wanted, I now have... Anyone I've ever wanted to be, I've been. I am. But in a constant state of contention with no one but myself, there comes a time when a different kind of change must take place. This must be where I got stuck... where there's nothing left to be but divine; But divinity is defined not only in yourself, but in your surroundings as well. You are not your only creator... so once we hit walls like this after facing our own creators in ourselves, maybe it's time to examine other factors of creation...
Moving to Orlando was not supposed to be a lateral move, but more of a centered move. And as much as it has been in many aspects, there's still the aspect of familiarness that sent me away from here in the first place. This obviously isn't where I ultimately want to be, or I would have never left it once before. I feel so unsatisfied in the mundane existence of that which I've already lived... How can people stay in one place for so long? I feel as though I've reached the end of desire to find something extraordinary in one, just one fucking person in this world... but the fact of the matter is that I've only searched on one continent - one continent where we're all the same, completely. We all adopt the same morals and customs at birth, as we are all born under the American flag, hearts bleeding red, white and blue. We'll probably never amount to anything remarkable, because we're bred from children ranging from 12-18 anymore, who can teach us nothing but how to fetch a fucking welfare check. And American colleges are such a fucking joke, as we're so money hungry here that we accept anyone with a pulse. Education in America is not about quality, but rather quantity. We hand out degrees by the millions every year, that hold no merit to any other country's standards. We graduate AMERICANS that can't even fully comprehend the ENGLISH language. How are we giving students Masters degrees who can't even distinguish the correct forms of "your" vs. "you're"?! Do you think in France they'd give a degree to a french student who couldn't comprehend the difference between the words "vous," and "vous êtes"? Hell no! We are fucking pathetic! I wonder if such a thing as "online degrees" exist in other countries, as that is by far the most pathetic and false sense of accomplishment we've ever discovered here, and seems like it could only be an American thing for how completely stupid it is.
I had no idea what I was in for when I signed up for this Bachelor's degree to ensue my Associates that I did actually work my ass of for in real classes, in a real environment. At least I found potential in other classmates and furthermore, inspiration. I strive off of inspiration, my thirst for knowledge and creativity is so extreme that if not fulfilled... I end up here. Stuck, unfulfilled and extremely underwhelmed. So as I'm stuck on a discussion board full of morons in an online class, who think it's okay to use online slang in college papers... I am just beside myself. I have started to feel detached from my usual self; helpless and not in control. But how is this, when I'm the one who is everything I want to be? When I'm the one who's educated and does have control?
It's in the other factor of creation... milieu.
I can keep setting goals for myself, and keep achieving them - but doing so within the same mundane existence will never produce anything constructive due to lack of stimulation. If I have built myself up to everything I want to be and am content within myself, why should I be the change? I feel like I'm the only one who DOES evolve, and constantly. Maybe there are places that adopt these same customs; I'm told there are, I've just yet to discover them...
Ten years ago, I had a perfect smile; About six years ago, it twisted into something I don't even recognize anymore. With plenty of chances to fix it, I never took any initiative because I found no point in fixing a smile I never used anyway... About two years ago, my life started to change. I started making some real money, put myself through college, got a degree, started making even more money... but more impressive than all of that, I evolved as a person into someone that has no ties to any of that past anymore, because I mastered the art of progression; of transcendentalism. You can never stop working on yourself. Therefore, ten years later, I find myself back in the dentist's seat, shelling out yet another five grand to fix that smile I'd once rendered useless...
I get fitted for invisalign on Monday. I had my first appointment this week, to find out if this type of treatment would even be suitable for my condition, and it's actually perfect for me, as most people who get invisalign are people who have also already had braces, yet their teeth moved after the removal of them. I've made a commitment to myself that once I finish this treatment, there shall be no reason for me to stay in America. It should take no longer than a year, and in that time I will have completed my Bachelors degree as well. I wish to create a phenomenal portfolio of all my work to take with me, so that this alone can carry the weight of my accomplishments where my bullshit degree falls short. I feel the piece of paper is, however important in some realm, and therefore I will continue to pursue it. But my early 2010 new years resolution will be to not see America in 2011.
It's so hard to make a decision like this, when you're almost positive you won't return. I feel like I'd be abandoning my entire family, and choosing to not really have one anymore. That's not what I want at all, but I myself am not getting any better here. All my life, all I've wanted was to make them proud... and I know I do, but I'm at a point where I can't make anyone else proud when I'm not proud of myself. I know they'd support my decision, I mean my Brother has been in Afghanistan - it's just going to be really hard in that aspect. I want to go over there and make a name for myself, establish myself and grow. Once I do, I can make enough money to fly them out there and spend some time away, exploring foreign grounds. There's nothing more exciting than envisioning picking my parents up in an airport of some foreign country, to see the life I've built for myself out there. I want to make it... I know I can. I can do fucking anything... anything. I've proven it a thousand times; Now let's see if I can conquer my biggest goal yet...
I can do this. I will do this.
If I can just hang on, one more year...
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Saturday, September 12th, 2009
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Ugh and ...wow, are the only two words left of last night. Where do I even begin?
I went to Tampa to surprise Heather for her birthday. She screamed so loud that it was so worth it, haha. I brought a friend from class because I know she likes me, but I live in Orlando now and she needs to meet some more lesbians that actually live by her... haha and as soon as she walked in the door, the whole house was filled wall to wall with lesbians and I saw her eyes get so wide, HAHA... I don't understand how you can pretty much know every lesbian in Tampa if you're "in," but yet with each new party, you can meet so many more!? And of course the inevitable few "Hey, I added you on MySpace!" people haha... But finally around midnight people started to clear out because everyone was going to this new strip club that opened, in which I was supposed to be going with them... but there was a conflict over this, as some people wanted to go to Ybor, and some wanted to go to the strip club... I wanted to go to the strip club, but it seemed safer for me to go to Ybor even though I hate Gbar, but... that's where I ended up.
After we get in, I immediately need a drink so I could at least try to dance and have a good time... I attempt this, but every girl was trying to dance with me and I... I don't dance like that! Note to self: Never appear single! Some girl started talking to my friend, and then of course diverts her attention to me and says "I like your tie..." as I'm like... "Um, it's a plain white tie?" haha... Next thing I know, she's dancing on me and I'm looking at my friends like "Who the hell is this?" One of the girls who came with us from the party then comes over to dance with me, as I'm thinking she came to save me... but no... not the way she was dancing, haha. And it never stopped... I escaped to go walk around by myself, but you should really never do that either. I come back, and my friend I brought from school pulls me to the side like "Hey... that girl we brought likes you, she was talking to me while you were gone," and I'm thinking it's the one I was just dancing with, but no... she was talking about another girl we brought from the party. So now here I am, surrounded by three girls from the party who are all trying to get to me, and as I look for help to the last remaining two friends I came with - they were freaking making out themselves, haha! Jesus! TAMPA for you!
I finally hear the call for last call, so I try to start making my way through the dance floor... and that's when the final girl comes up to me telling me her friend wants to dance with me but is too shy... I ask her which friend, and she goes to get her haha. Damnit, that's not what I meant! All my friend silently laugh behind me, as this girl was clearly not my type... but the song finally ends, and the floor starts to clear out. We can finally leave!
We get back to the party, and inevitably there is mass chaos. Always... I guess Heather has been staying with one girl who had a house all to herself... and the Mother of this girl showed up with we were gone. SHe was fucking flipping OUT. Shows up with her boyfriend, both with beers in hand... we arrive to the girl in her underwear standing on her front porch with her Mom, and right as we walk up, the girl is slamming the door screaming at her Mom to get the fuck out. Me not knowing who the fuck these people even were walk up to the door and ask who the lady was and what she needed. She goes off on some tangent about how her daughter hates her, so I gather that she must be a Mom of someone inside. I ask "Do you need help carrying her out or something... we don't want any bullshit here, I'll help you drag her out," and all of a sudden her Mom is smiling saying "What's your name??" shaking my hand... I open the door for her, and once we get inside all hell breaks loose. I guess all she wanted was to talk to her daughter, but her daughter kept ignoring her so what does her Mom do? Goes out on the back porch and smokes a joint with some of the people at the party! Wtf?! After that shit just escalated to a new level... screaming matches, punches thrown, the daughter running out of the house screaming... still in her underwear, mind you. The Mom stays in the house talking about how this is her own Mothers house, there should be no party here, and we all need to get the fuck out. None of us would leave though, for various reasons so many people couldn't - so of course things just got more out of control...
I notice that it's nearing 4AM at this point, and I still have a two hour drive ahead of me to get home... so I try to make sure everyone is okay before I leave, and I grab my shit and go. In the midst of all this, I get a random text from Dani, saying "I'm glad you and Ashley are cool again..." as I say "Um... what are you talking about babe?" She's like "You're a Gbar, yeah? Ashley told me you guys were cool..." At first perplexed, my mouth then just dropped open... "Oh my GOD... was that.... was that Ashley that was hanging out by us all night?" I ask one of the girls at the party who went... she looks perplexed herself and then just says "Uh... yeah?" My eyes just get so big as I'm in disbelief that I just inadvertently made up with my only enemy, on the dance floor, without intention! I was completely oblivious! I mean I saw her standing by us all night, didn't know who she was... but when she came back to the dance floor, she came right up to me and gave me a hug saying "what's up dude?" so I just thought she was another random girl just trying to say hi to me... she looks SO different! She had long, long hair before and always wore hats... she has hair shorter than even mine now, and was wearing no hat. What a fucking idiot, how could I have not known?!
Dani said she told her I didn't even know it was her, and now I just feel like kind of an asshole. She probably had this huge weight lifted, and now feels like it was pointless. On one hand I want to send her a message telling her I'm sorry, but on the other... I just feel like I could do without both her and Dani. Nothing is going to be fine in terms of Ashley and I as long as Dani and I are still talking and seeing each other... and really, I don't need to see Dani... I'll always like her, I'll always love the times we have shared I guess, but... I think it's time to just cut that tie. She's doing so much better and loves to tell me how much she's improving, but... I think she's still hiding something - actually I know she is. I can see right through people because I memorize their actions and reactions. Her reactions to things aren't on point, and I think she may very well be getting her shit back together, but I think she's still using. So I don't even know why I'm still around... I just have such a thing for this girl, I feel like she'll always be in the background, but maybe one day we'll just fade away from each other. Damn chemicals... that's all this fucking is, haha! We can never let go of some of the best we've had, haha... but I genuinely do like her, I'll just never let her know.
Of course in usual form, I have a million texts when I wake up... Tampa is so insane and predictable. The first girl that was trying to dance with me all night is texting my friend, who is texting me to ask what I thought of her, haha ugh. I live in Orlando now, I'm not gonna date someone in Tampa just to get me right back to the same situation I was in that started this all! I saw that she sent me a message last night at like 6AM, but that's about when I walked through the door so I didn't even bother, just went straight to bed. She texted my friend this morning to have her tell me I had a message haha... I was like "Ugh, I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, I'll get to it!" and then of course when I finally get to it, I have two more instant messages waiting for me from two other girls I've yet to even meet yet, but they're persistent as fuck. I hate how single automatically means available. :( I get so annoyed with all this shit, that I find myself being an asshole when I don't even mean to be. I really try to be nice and respectful to everyone, I mean its flattering, really - and no one should act like they're so good for someone that they can be an asshole when all the other person is doing is trying to show heir affection towards you... but it just gets so tiring explaining myself over and over... no one ever gets it anyway, because I'm only one of 0.5 percent of the world who lives for themselves, not for love. Everyone is always so busy searching for love that they forget to fully even understand themselves. I seek knowledge and understanding more than love itself. Because once I find those things first, then I can love to my fullest potential. Plus... all I'm waiting for is someone who can fucking IMPRESS me! Seems impossible... but I can't just settle the way everyone else does. Try explaining that though... ugh. Over it, haha.
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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
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So I found my next girlfriend, working at Broadway haha - She's from Romania with this amazing accent, and she wants to pursue music and sing here in America. I went there with my partner in crime at work, and the second she walked away, he was all like "Wow, she likes you!" HAHA... because she was just... staring at me, but I couldn't tell if she was just perplexed at me haha... but then as I was kind of hiding behind the tip jar that stood on the counter, she was all like "I like your hair... and your style," as she reached up and moved the tip jar out of the way haha. And ever since, my co-worker has been making that motion of her moving that out of the way to get a better look, saying "I'm telling you - she even moved it out of the way... she likes you man!" And of course I'm like "She's foreign - I'm sure she's straight," but he is actually our international representative here at the school, so he deals with all those kinds of students from other countries, and he swears that once half those kids get here to America, everything changes. He told me of two specific cases that came here, started school here, and all of a sudden they were out haha. But I don't know... he was going to get her number already, but I told him I don't work that way haha. So now we have to go back... hahaha oh man. He was so mad because he's the one that was all like "Wow, you have really pretty eyes" to her, but she only returned that with a 'thank you' and then a compliment to me HAHA. I love it...
I'm telling you, the nice black shirt with the white tie does it every time. ;) My white tie that STILL has stripper make up on it HAHA... damnit.
Yesterday I was leaving work and some dumb ass in a camaro was being all loud with his exhaust behind me, trying to show off - and then as we made our left, he did the whole ricer fly-by, letting his exhaust scream so I could hear it... and of course I just shook my head as usual but did not go any faster. Minutes later, I see a cop fly by me but I don't see his lights for awhile. I say out loud "Please be the camaro, haha" and sure enough... as I pulled up to a red light, the cop had found his way right behind the camaro, and as the light turned green, he flicked his lights on. I just drove up beside the camaro, looked over, and literally laughed in his face haha. Sucka!
I went to my first UCF car meet after that... boring! I was really there just to swap some parts, but I tried to at least stay a little while. It's definitely not anymore obvious that I'm gay though, even though I have a fucking mohawk now... what the hell?!
(Oh yeah, so I did decide to get the fauxhawk haha. ;)
If anything, I get MORE attention from guys... seriously?! I mean, they're honking at me now when I'm driving... I'm told it's because I just look really "hip hop" now, so "expect it from the colors" HAHA. I guess it does kind of look like Rhianna's hair, as I've been told a million times... but I really think it's just obvious now that I'm a lesbian for sure. I love it though... I was nervous to do it, but my stylist is just so bad ass... she makes me feel so comfortable, and thought it was an awesome idea when I told her so... I let her do her thing, and we watched all the hair fall off my head as she asked me if I was scared haha... THEN tells me she's never actually done this cut before haha. But... leave it to her, she still pulled it off amazingly, and I'm never disappointed! She better never stop doing hair or I might die. I specifically chose her because she was hot, but then she turned out to be amazing, too! So I feel like I have perfection haha... well, it would be perfection if we got to make out, but... you know. ;) Haha... we're pretty close.
Oh my GOD speaking of girls... so this girl finds me on MySpace (I thought this way of girl searching was dead?) and sends me a message telling me she loves my style, and would love to play some music sometimes together if I was down. I told her I didn't really play anymore and had no interest in "jamming," so then she tells me she just wants to hang out... I nonchalantly say "sure, sometime" and she asks me for my number. Yikes... I don't even know her, much less hadn't even looked at her profile yet to get a feel for the girl... so I gave her my IADT Tampa number, telling her I didn't have a cell phone right now. Well... would you expect someone to call you like THE NEXT DAY?! CALL?! Ugh, she IMs me last night on MySpace as I'm getting ready to head out to the meet, and I just tell her I'm headed out so I'll catch her later... she knew exactly where I was going... but yet calls me while I'm there. Little does she know, she was recording her two minute message to a non-functioning number somewhere all the way in Tampa, but... it was THE most... just horrendous message I've ever had the displeasure of listening to. My number no longer works there, it will send you straight to my old voicemail, but I do still get that. So I walked it to work this morning with this two minute message in my inbox, and go to listen to it... oh my god...
A. I think she was spun out on god knows what, as it was completely inaudible;
B. TWO MINUTES?! For s girl you've never even met, much less talked to before?!
C. And really... it was just a bunch of "Wow... so ... yeah, you're at this cool car meet and I'm kinda jealous... can't wait to ride in it though... Man you're a really hard girl to track down, you're always so busy... Man! I was hanging out with my manager earlier!... I really hope we can hang out, you seem so different and unique... I'm tired of hanging with the same people all the time, I think you're a really good potential friend... Hit me back man, we need to play for real... even though you don't play anymore, you should... Dude, we're gonna be famous!" I mean and yeah, this went on for need I say one more time - TWO minutes! Really? This is how you get girls...? So of course I then went to look at her profile, as now I just NEED to see what this character is all about haha... and whoa. Note to self: CHECK profiles before responding to ANYTHING! This girl has more than a dozen pictures of her holding an ecstasy pill in all these different locations - like it was a collage of all the places she'd rolled at; Then there were tons of pictures of her holding bags of weed, comparing the different types, talking about which one tasted better... just... wow. Dumbass.
I'm about to go get my industrial pierced now that I have ears again, haha. Unfortunately, I told my ex about it and she loved it, too so she went and got her own... and now that's all I really think about when I think about doing my own... but eh. Maybe it will look better on me. ;)
( Here is a picture for your visual aid. :) )
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Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
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Haha Evan is having a cow about the new haircut I have proposed... well, not in the conventional way that most cows would be had, but... he's just really trying to dissuade me from doing it. And I can't help but laugh... because it's happening. And oh what a change it will be... no hints, just wait haha.
My hair grows SO fast that even if it doesn't turn out well, I'll just wear hats until it grows back into something manageable. That's that majority of the reason I want to cut it right now - for one, I've had variations of this cut since the beginning of this year, and for two - it's too goddamn high maintenance! When I have to spend every morning spraying thermal spray on each little section of hair, straightening it up... and then when I'm finally done getting all of it up in the back, I then have to deal with the front and using all the molding paste, etc... it's just not worth being late to work every morning - I'm kinda sick of hearing it from my boss haha. If I knew doing my hair was going to make me late for sure, I'd usually just be sure to wear a suit so that I could just put a fedora over it, but my boss has recently decided we can no longer wear hats. Doesn't make sense to me, as it's not like I ever walked up in there wearing my baseball hats, but... whatever. I can't wait to see what he thinks of the cut I'm about to get this weekend...
My puppy is so awesome, I couldn't love him more. He's getting SO good at playing frisbee! I can't wait to take him back to St. Pete so we can play on the doggie beach. He's so funny how triumphant he gets when he knows he's done well... especially when he jumps really high to catch one. I was standing on one side of the pool throwing it to one side of the house, and he'd catch it, but instead of running right back to me, he'd run allll the way around the pool, all the way through the other screen door, just to come out of the one I was standing by to bring it back to me... and sometimes, he'd just keep going around and around with the frisbee in his mouth, not giving it back to me at all, haha. It's so funny how much he inspires me, I love watching him learn... it's just like me with anything else... like riding a motorcycle - it takes practice. And I love watching him progress in like the same way Evan loves watching me progress on the bike. I think I like playing frisbee with him as much as he likes it, haha...
My business partner just told me how he plans on finding our talent, and... so it begins! Haha... of course my weekends will now be spent getting all dressed up and going out to the strip clubs to give out business cards haha. I swear to god I am never going to be the same after all of this, haha. I can already see it now, he's gonna have to drag me out of there because I'll be too busy getting dances while I'm supposed to be getting business, not giving it haha. But what could be more fun? I love dressing like that and walking into places like that... they all come to you because you look like money. Haha I have way too much of a rockstar mentality to never have explored that path in life, haha... probably something I'll always regret not doing. But for whatever reason after reason, I didn't and I'm probably way more successful in life now because of it, so... I guess I shouldn't complain.
I've also decided not to take that break, and jump straight into my next degree, starting... mmm, Monday haha. Some break huh? One week! But that's just how I am... go, go, go... never stop, no time to waste, WAY too much to accomplish before my time is done! We'll see how I handle all this at the same time, haha...
It appears as though Thursday has once again hired Dave Fridmann to produce their new record, Common Existence. Did they not recognize the major fail A City By The Light Divided was because of this same producer on their last album? I must say though... it's growing on me. That's only disappointing because every other Thursday CD was an instant favorite of mine, but... I kept this album in my CD player for a week straight without getting past it as just background music - but one day I just forced myself to try to listen to the lyrics (as I think that was my problem; it's too over-produced to the point I can barely hear the lyrics) and now that I have, it's definitely becoming a CD I hear at least once a day. Thursday is my favorite band for the lyrics by far... he writes a lot like me. "Friends in the Armed Forces" really bothered me when I first heard it because of the sick validity in all the words no one else would ever say... but he did.
"Another folded flag to a mourning mother; He was an army of one but they'll find another.
And in the fold of the body bag, she'll find a check for a hundred grand.
She's got friends in the armed forces, and now we know what a soldier costs;
What's the cost of the rest of us...?"
"You say you're defending me, but I'm sick of tying yellow ribbons while praying not to see we're all going to hell..."
<3Thursday... I can't wait to see them next month!
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Complete! :D
Pardon the huge mess... it's all still a work in progress. :)
But it's all wired together and mounted to the wall - finally! What a fucking job! To lift that TV above my head... oh my god. I almost collapsed under the weight. They look light, but they are certainly NOT! My Dad and brother in law came over and did the hardest part, which was finding the studs in the wall, and leveling and mounting the bracket to hang the TV itself on, so that was cool. But man did I dislocate my shoulder trying to mount that thing! I'm so happy with it though, it looks amazing. I got the tilting wall bracket, so I can tilt the TV up or down, which is awesome having it tilted down while laying in bed. Sure makes my 22" monitors look pathetic now though, haha...
With that new network cable we ran, I now have a way faster download speed and can download an entire GB in like... five minutes. I think my movie collection will grow quite extensively. ;) But really, I'm ready for some huge projects now... I now have everything necessary to run a studio out of my house, so our little side project we've been contemplating is one step closer to actualization. I'm ready to make some money! I gotta start paying some of this shit off, haha... ;)
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Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
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I have been painting... for two days straight! WHAT possessed us to move into this tasteless house?! My room had THE darkest purple paint on them... I mean, the walls may as well have been black. Covering that was SUCH a bitch... but we're slowly flipping the whole room; the discouraging part is where the owners won't pay for anything... it's so stupid. I'm basically upgrading your entire house and bringing it up to speed with modern decor, but I can't just take it out of the rent? They say everything works fine and since it's not broken, it doesn't need fixed... HA. Not "broken," no but extremely tasteless. The person living there before us painted MATTE over GLOSSY paint in scattered SECTIONS! And I'm talking reds, purples, yellows... it's horrendous and the worst paint job anyone could have possibly done. But whatever... I guess the whole house will be stripped of everything when we leave, they'll just get to keep the GOOD paint jobs on the wall that we do. But I've upgraded all the outlets, put my light switch on a dimmer switch, ran extra network cable, plan on putting mirror doors on the closets... and it's all shit I'll make sure to take with me, too since they want to keep all their cheap bullshit in that house instead. I don't get it...
But... my room, for one is definitely coming along. You'd never guess the color I chose for my walls, haha...
(It's not really neon though, these were just taken with my iPhone so the picture quality sucks...)
( Click here for the rest... )
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Saturday, August 29th, 2009
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Well, I graduated yesterday. The celebration... where do I even begin?
I remember starting out sober stating "Please just don't let the girls talk to me or dance on me," and then by the end of the night I was obviously far from sober, and I was the wildest one of them all, jumping over tables to catch a front row seat at the stage, when I started the night making my friends promise me we could sit in the back, HAHA...
Holy fucking shit... my friends made me a to-go cup of... god knows what for the way there - we went all the way to Cocoa Beach, and by the time we got there, I was pretty tipsy; But still nervous and petrified, as of course the first thing we see when we walk in the door is naked girls running rampant EVERYWHERE! So the first thing I do is find a seat in the back, and order a shot with a strong drink haha. Well, that sure must have done the trick! Next thing I know, some girl is taking my hand and leading me to the back, where she proceeds to give me my graduation present HAHA... dude, I was so stiff because I've NEVER done that before and I thought you weren't allowed to touch them? But she was grabbing all over me and then looks up and says "You don't mind, do you?" as I just give a wide-eyed response of "Nnn... no, not at all..." HAHA. And then when she's done and I look around, I see guys' hands all over these girls, so I guess you are allowed to touch them. I kinda felt bad haha... But holy shit! She would just like... grab my tie and pull me into her as she followed it down... I was so shocked but grinning at the same time at this insanity. And then of course while her face is... down in my crotch haha, it starts vibrating because Dani was calling my phone in my pocket HAHA... WOW. The song ends, and she leans into me and says "You know what, I usually don't do girls, it kinda weirds me out... but you're so hot and you smell SO good! Thank you!" and I'm just like... "Um... no, thank you?" as I feel like a completely different person walking away from that. That moment changed everything, haha... I will never be the same!
...So then I did it again. HAHA...
...and by the end of the night, I was up at that stage with a freaking front row seat haha... every girl would come by and take my fedora off so they could put my face in their chest hahaha... it was so insane. And then the last time I went up there, I remember sitting in the back with my friends and I just get up and take a seat at the stage all by myself HAHA, as they're all laughing like "Look at her now, haha!" I sat down in between two empty chairs, and the girl sitting to my right just looks over at me and smiles. And that's where it allll began HAHA. Next thing I know, we're drinking shots together, sharing dollars, exchanging numbers and then her "friends" made her leave when they saw me all over her haha. I texted her this morning to ask if she was in trouble, but she said they were just jealous... somehow I doubt that, they're probably more than "friends." But whatever, I wasn't there to meet girls haha... I actually got MUCH more than I went there for - I just wanted the alcohol!
But maaan did I pay for that! Collectively, we all spent about $500 fucking dollars. I woke up puking my guts out and wondering where all my cash went haha. God... we got back to Sandra and Lisa's house after the club, and I started to not feel well so I escorted myself to... the lawn, haha; Where I then proceeded to lie down and take a nice little nap haha despite it being wet... someone eventually came out and got me and propped me up in a lawn chair on the back porch... where I'm pretty sure I blacked out, and then woke up puking with everyone now around me haha... gross. It was then that I knew there was no way I could drive home and somehow crawled inside to sleep this off... only when I woke up, it was 10x worse. Once again, I only woke up to puke and then it just never stopped... just puked my guts out all day, literally - there was blood! And the funny thing is that my family was supposed to come over and visit today, and here I was, laying crippled in my bed wondering if I'd even be able to get out of it haha...
I forced myself to get up and go get some food to try and feel better before they got here, so after my two hour cold shower, I just put a hat right over my wet hair, and the biggest sunglasses I could find to hide my face and went to Subway never taking any of it off haha... I must have looked so funny. It helped a little, but I couldn't even eat half of it. I kept trying to drink Powerade to replenish everything I kept puking up, but I feel like it only made me puke more... I feel like it was probably around THREE before I FINALLY stopped. Good fucking god, I was WRECKED! I'm shocked that I remember as much as I do from last night... but then again, it was pretty unforgettable haha.
So my family gets here and I'm finally well enough to at least stand up... but they want to go swimming, and I'm just like "Oh hell no..." haha. They get in, and I opt to help my Dad put my TV mount up on my wall for my big ass flat screen I just got... though I wasn't much help! But eventually he wants to swim, too and then there was the question, haha... "Are you gonna swim with me??" Haha... reluctantly, I go change my clothes, but once I got in, it wasn't that bad at all. I ordered pizza for everyone, so I think that probably helped... I am definitely feeling MUCH better than I have felt all day. Exactly why I stopped drinking! I wanted to get so much done today... but wasted it all away dying in bed haha. At least the TV mount did get put up... but I wanted to get some painting done, there's still sooo much to do. I bought this bed:
and it's put together, but the headboard is still in the boxes... laying next to the huge rolls of bamboo on my dining room floor; Because first I have to paint all my walls this awesome greenish color I got to go with the whole bamboo forest theme - then I have to stain the eight foot by eight foot rolls of bamboo a black color to contrast with that headboard - then I must mount said bamboo on the wall in order to then mount the headboard to that... which, must also be put together since it's still in the box. Once I complete all that, then it will be time to start making the five foot fountains to go on each side of the bed, and shopping for fish to put in them. They will be glass fronted fountains so you can see the fish... gonna be really cool. Then of course on the opposite wall of all that, I have my big monitors and TV mounted now, so that's going to be a bad ass set up, too. But I've got a long way to go! And tomorrow is dedicated to running wires all through the house so we have surround sound everywhere and music running out to the pool deck and whatnot... ugh, so much to do! But this house is going to be so awesome when we're done with everything... I've gotten all the new furniture for the interior of the house, and now all I need to work on is the pool furniture and getting a bar for out there. That should really be the last big costly thing... every paycheck I get something new, but I feel like it's never going to end. Getting the new bed though, with all new sheets, comforters, pillows, etc. was probably the best accomplishment. So much better! And the 50" HDTV is pretty awesome, too I must say... I looove money, haha.
Speaking of, hopefully I'm about to start making a lot more of it... I spoke lightly of the subject with a co-worker of mine who also does film work, as he actually brought me the idea. We are supposed to be shooting a commercial for IADT to get us some more exposure, and hopefully move us into a marketing position with the school instead of admissions. I now have a college degree (FINALLY!) not to mention in film, so I am actually qualified now for a marketing position. So anyway, as we've been brainstorming our ideas together on this subject, he brought me the idea of something else that could potentially make even more money. I turned it down at first, because it's a questionable career and no one would believe me of all people would do it, but... after some thought and self-analyzation, I realized that I chase paper, no matter what. I make money, I do what I do... and I'm damn good at it, obviously, got a lot to show for it... so I came back around and asked what position he might want me to do. He said Director and I immediately said hell no. I will work on these films, but there's no way in hell I'm going to call the shots on positions! Awkward... I'm too conservative to even be thinking about doing this, let alone call the shots on how it's done! So he said I could do anything I wanted... and I just don't want to be near it, so I don't want to direct or hold the camera. So, I'm thinking I might jump on as an editor... that way I don't even have to be there, they can just give me what they shoot each session, and I'll cut it for them. I mean I am the one with a G5 already equipped with Final Cut and all the other expensive programs we'll need for this... so I wouldn't even need anything.
Honestly, this is half the reason I agreed to go to the strip club last night. I knew I needed to test myself and see if I could honestly do this. Everyone knows me as conservative Tiffany, but really... a select few know otherwise, haha. I just don't give that out to anyone or flaunt it, it's for you to discover if I like you enough. I'm not that innocent, nor fragile... ;) But even my ex never knew this, because I never showed her. I don't know, she was weird to me in that aspect, I thought... but that's what I mean, you have to be REALLY someone to me to get to know me in that way, haha. Probably the reason I keep sleeping with Dani despite all the bullshit - because she knows... man does she know! Hahaha... So it's not like I'm really as conservative as the front I put up to weed people out. So in the back of my mind, I know I can do this, I mean... I've been in an orgy before, haha I'm not gonna lie - so how much worse could this be?? But just to test myself, I went to the strip club, and... yeah... yeah I can definitely handle this, HAHA. I had absolutely no shame last night, I was fucking wild haha. You couldn't stop me if you tried... I just don't want to be known like that, I'd rather have people think I'm a prude haha. It keeps people from trying to fuck me so much, they try to respect me first when I act so conservative... if I didn't, good lord. My number would probably be ten times higher, not even exaggerating.
But we'll see. We're slowly forming our crew, and then it will soon be time to start scouting our "talent." People are making ten grand a month doing this shit straight out of home studios... and here I am, in this nice fucking house with the pool, jacuzzi, private fenced in yard... and hey, even a home studio! Heh... But I think the most awkward part for me will be the synopsis writing. Once people saw that post I made about fucking Dani with the extreme yet subtle details that only suggested what happened, and let your mind assist itself to the whole picture, I was automatically chosen for the detail writing for the back of the cases haha. Everyone thought it was so hot, and they felt like they were actually there. And they think writing like that would definitely reel people in to want to see this descriptive picture I've painted, and I couldn't disagree... to be honest, I've read that entry over again a few times myself just because it's so good and makes me remember every detail so clearly haha. It was hot! I remember that was the first time... Well, the morning after the first time but it all kind of blurred together and was all the same "first" to me with her heh. I remember wanting to write that, because I'd never had a better first experience with anyone... it's usually so awkward the first time ESPECIALLY when you don't even know this person, because you have no clue what they like or what they want... but it was nothing like that with her, god from the first fucking second, she had me in positions I'd wanted to be in with so many other people but they never took the initiative haha... it was like she just knew. And ever since, she's had me hooked. ;) But ew, this is getting entirely too descriptive, haha. See what this might turn me into!! Ugh...
I don't know if I'd quit my job if this actually took off. I still kinda want to do another degree with them, so I should really think about that... plus, I make lots of money there, it would be hard to give up, even if I was making even more dong this - just because I could really do both, and imagine that kind of money... but then where does another year of school fit in if I do want to get another degree? (Which, I'm pretty sure I do.) I'm still gonna get to London, no matter what. I won't let that dream die, I'm SO close! Got my degree and I'm ready to go... but I want some time, so in the meantime I'll be getting another degree and sorting all my shit out, working on the best game plan for this London living, then immediate move to California after. I love how no one doubts I'll end up there, it's so encouraging to know that not only you know that you accomplish any dream you set out to conquer, but everyone else around you knows it, too. It's such a power within yourself to know that you control it all, and if you really want to accomplish something, you will as long as you work for it. I'm not fucking fortunate in any way, I've worked... so I hate to see people working at Publix and bitching how they want a better life and more money... then go get it! It's out there! Why do people work for minimum wage when they could work for so much more? That's fucking America for you though, we're so fucking consumed by laziness and comfort. We should NEVER get too comfortable, change is the only constant!
Okay, so before I continue that tangent, I should probably pull myself away to at least get one more thing done with this room. If I tape it all up tonight, I can probably get the paint on the walls tomorrow, pending the wiring job we're already scheduled to do. Wish me luck! ;)
I'm a motherfucking GRADUATE!!
(Sorry, it just feels so good, haha...)
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Hahaha... I can't wait to get to England, their humor is so funny to me. They have this like... continent-wide game going on that just made the news (in England,) it's so interesting and funny. They take pictures of themselves in the most "extreme" places, laying down face first, arms by their side, feet pointing down - they're very specific on how you must lay in order to play! And then they post them up and see who's the funniest and most extreme...
( Look at this shit... )
Haha those motherfuckers are crazy! There are literally thousands of those pictures, it's called the "Extreme laying game" and everyone tags their photos on Facebook for the world to see... too fucking funny. Someone even tagged a picture they took of a dead pigeon that died face down, feet down and said "Honestly I found it this way, thought it was kinda funny that even the pigeons of England caught wind of this game!" HAHA...
This is how I entertain myself while waiting for class to start, haha... Last class of the degree!! I just had my meeting with the department chair and everything... I'm all done! Oh my god, and I could not believe what she told me as soon as I sat down... "So, Kelly was in my office last week when you were supposed to come see me... telling me allll about how in love with you she is and she's going to wait right here for you until you get here, and blah blah blah" and I'm just like "WHAT?!" Seriously... wow. What's funny is that I never even showed either, HAHA. Kelly I guess just kept saying "this girl" and finally as she realized I wasn't coming, I guess she said "So you wanna know her name"? and when she said it, the department chair was like "HOW funny, exactly who I'M waiting for!" And when I do finally show up much later, I hear crazy stories of how I supposedly died in a shipwreck at sea and that's why nobody could find me, haha... wtf. I miss one day of class and the whole campus doesn't know what to do without me haha. My instructor KNOWS I'm traveling all the way from Orlando, and yet he still stops class every time I walk in just to say "Oh my GOD, look who's here!" It's funny, I'll never be able to shake the "celebrity status" nickname because I can't walk into any room in this building without some sort of ruckus, haha. I just got back from floor two, where I used to work and of course that was another story... I guess I started a trend and now everyone is walking out, haha. Good... and then I ran into my old boss. I smiled but continued doing my thing... she rushed out of the room as quick as she could without saying much. (She's not the devil in heels though, who started all that bullshit - but she still played her part!) I'm so glad I never have to come back here after today... I mean the class part is always fun - I can go anywhere in this building and find friends, everyone knows me... but running into a very few select people from admissions is never pleasant.
Ugh... now let me go puke one more time, and then I'll tell the story of how we celebrated this becoming HAHA... good. GOD!
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Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
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I'm posting this everywhere; T-Mobile took all my numbers from me when I left them for AT&T, so I need yours. I don't respond to numbers I don't know, so do send. :)
Yet on the other hand, I wish some people would lose my number... Why is Raquel's cousin still texting me? Is she really becoming more pathetic than Raquel, herself? Actually... she probably always was. She sends me a picture of some B&B hair products, and says "Bumble & bumble this." SERIOUSLY?! That girl can dig holes deeper than anyone I've ever known with her stupidity. Gee, I'm so glad whatever ghetto ass salon you work at finally got the budget for some REAL hair products and probably taught you all about it today, FINALLY catching you up... but I don't need to hear about it. Move. On.
I mean come on now, did she seriously not know how dumb that just made her look?? Months ago I make fun of the girl for boasting herself as some "hair pimp" when she doesn't even know one of the most common lines of hair products (some stylist, huh?) and now since she finally learned what it was today, months later - she wants to try and look cool by sending me a picture? What an idiot... she'll still get no business because she is still ridiculously retarded for one, and her portfolio is absolutely nothing compared to the stylists' out here in Orlando - there's a reason I never let her cut my hair, even when we were "friends." Because I can tell a good stylist when I see one... and that girl, just sucks. And besides... we're using Kerastase now, try to keep up; It's a line from Paris that works even better... but you're so far behind, you can keep Bumble & Bumble alive now since that's your brand new discovery and they're gonna need the promoting since everyone else has moved on. Ugh, the persistence of stupidity... I have moved on and moved away - get a clue!
I'm SO fucking glad my absolute last class in Tampa is this Friday. I hate going back there, much less fighting the traffic on a fucking Friday to get there in time for class, which I inevitably never do. This Friday I have to literally drive for 2+ hours in traffic just to watch our final films and then leave. Bullshit. But hey... after that, graduation. :) And better yet, no more Tampa! I don't even talk to Ryan anymore, no one from Tampa... don't want to, finally broke free and want none of the memories. I've literally replaced everything... absolutely everything. All the furniture in this house is brand new except for the living room furniture, because that was all bought pretty recently. I wanted to start over and forget I ever lived in that city... I've even changed myself in order to evolve and leave the past behind me. Part of the reason for buying the iPhone was attached to this reasoning as well. My sidekick was so saturated with texts, emails, pictures, and everything else from random girls I don't care to remember, so it was time to replace that as well. Um... but I'm insanely addicted to Guitar Hero on it, and really need to put it down haha...
My fucking dog ate a twenty dollar bill I left on the counter today... awesome. It's one thing when it's damaged goods maybe totaling $20, but when you see your actual money shredded all over the place, it's a totally different level of pissed off, haha. Funny how that works.
I need to go change the tires on my bike now... finally got some really good ones so I can start learning the stunts and shit. I'm so excited! Bikes have replaced girls to me, I'm not even kidding haha. I ride so obsessively, every chance I get, it's such a high. This girl from L.A. is still trying to fly down here, and she wants to come down for Biketoberfest, but now I'm like "Ehhh... I might wanna ride out by myself" haha because I couldn't care less if a girl comes, I just wanna ride and meet other riders. I will just have to try and intentionally look gay because I'll probably be one of five girls total who show up on their own bike, and I've already seen the reaction of guys who see a girl on a bike, much less a custom one like mine. :) Maybe I'll just keep my helmet on the whole time so they never see if I'm cute or not haha... So excited though, thinking of renting a hotel and inviting all the people I meet back to it, just partying the whole time. That's usually how it goes when we get a hotel out there in Daytona haha; It's fucking awesome. I'll end up wasted out on the beach, probably not even knowing where my bike even is haha... or much less who's in my hotel room. Should be interesting since I've stopped drinking, but will make an exception for this. :)
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Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
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3AM... and a sigh is all that's left of me.
One day I'll get some sleep...
Check out this trailer I just finished for our last student film before graduation;
I didn't write the film... I just cut and edited! I hate vampire movies...
45 seconds that took a good 10 hours to complete...
They better like it.
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Monday, August 17th, 2009
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Haha this seems so nonsensical with the Nike shot at the end... that's so not me. I'm putting together a thirty second montage of all the films & motion graphics I've worked on in my three years of film school, and all my films have like... themes of apocalypse, revenge, guns, or political mayhem and then you've got the Nike commercial I worked on, haha... maybe I shouldn't make it end the montage? Maybe that's why it looks so weird to me...? Ugh... making a portfolio is so painstaking! This is what I have to use to get a job, how scary is that!?
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Saturday, August 15th, 2009
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| Subject: | 8g's. |
| Time: | 11:01 am. |
| Mood: |  geeky. | | Music: | Fall Out Boy - West Coast Smoker. |
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Ugh, the paaain I'm going through just for this stupid pair of earrings that I wanted... why do people stretch their ears to like 00g and shit? I'm only trying to get to an 8g and it already hurts too much! In true Tiffany fashion, for the past... I don't know, freaking two years my ears have been incomplete from a job I started and never finished. I had one ear stretched down to a 12g, but the other still had a 14g in it because I stopped midway through it all, probably because it hurt this much! But I finally decided to finish what I started and at least get them the same width, so I went to go find some 10's since that's what I originally wanted, and one ear was only one step away from that anyway. But... of course I found this set of plugs that I deemed perfect and the smallest size she had was an 8g. And so it begins, haha... See, I finally just bought myself some "bling" and put these square diamonds in the top holes of my ears because I'm switching everything to diamonds (switched out the monroe piercing with a diamond, too) so when I went looking for plugs and they had diamond studded ones... well, what could look better? :)
I don't understand my overwhelming need for constant change. Or the things I go through just to look exactly how I want to, no matter what it's going to take. On top of sitting here with throbbing ears, I spent three hours at the salon yesterday trying to change my hair up. Who the hell has time for that shit? I guess I don't mind because I secretly want my stylist, so spending three hours with her is never a bad thing but... it sounds kind of absurd. Sometimes, I think New York is the right place for me. I'm so fast paced and constantly evolving. I hate looking the same way for too long, that's never been me. So I've recently decided I wanted to look more polished, and therefore took out the spiked gages in my ears. I don't know, the shit just reminded me of high school... maybe because that was what I was wearing in high school... only in like 18's or something. And I rarely ever wear band shirts anymore, because of the same reason. I literally have about 100 band shirts, but never touch them anymore. I've acquired more of some sort of swing type style anymore, and and love dressing up. I press all my shirts - spend the time ironing with starch so they look so straight... spend the time tying all my ties so they fit perfectly under my vests, make sure the suspenders match the fedora... haha, I am insane. But I absolutely love the response to such a look - I fucking HATE when people say clothes don't make a person because that's such a fucking lie when it comes to first impressions. I've been everything, so I've seen it all... and when I needed to withdraw thousands of dollars from my bank, when I was in a band t-shirt with this crazy hair and whatnot, they always treated me like I was kinda sketchy and probably wondering what my ulterior motive was. But yesterday when I walked in to do the same exact thing, in formal wear and diamonds now, I was treated completely different. "Wow do you own your own business? Why are you dressed so nice, where do you work?" and they didn't even flinch when I asked for the amount that I did; Just handed me straight hundreds and smiled. And then right after, I went to the salon and was offered a glass of wine while I waited like three times, haha. And my stylist just greets me with "God when you walked in, I couldn't even help but smile, you look SO badass!" Haha I told her it was all for her... she didn't believe me though. ;)
I think I notice that shit a lot, too because of the other way I dress when I'm not having a good hair day haha. The hats and bandanas, tattoos showing haha... people treat me like I'm some punk ass kid then, but I understand. It's just such a contrast when I dress up, how people perceive me. Even though it's not conventional formal, because I still wear it all with jeans, converse, and my insane collection of belts/buckles, I still get instant respect when I walk into a room and I like that. I don't think I could ever be completely formal, wearing real "dress" shoes and... having normal hair, no piercings. I need my edge, still. ;)
So I bought the TV yesterday haha... through no advice of anyone here! I don't know why I even ask anymore, no one is even on here anymore. There's nothing to ever read, you guys are so boring! I remember when it would take me an hour just to read everyones posts... and now look. :( But yeah... went with a 50" HDTV, 1080P. It's fucking huge, I love it... and the picture is amazing. We have it hooked up to a Bose surround sound system right now and that shit shakes the walls. Movies are never gonna be the same... :)
Man I cannot stop listening to the Folie à Deux album from Fall Out Boy... never been interested in them before, but all of a sudden someone burned this CD for me and I can't take it out of my CD player. This guy has amazing voice, I really enjoy his singing style. It's very different... and he uses his entire range, which you really don't hear singers of that type of music doing too often anymore. It's a really good CD... I recommend it to anyone looking for something different. :)
Um... and it's official, I'll never be able to live without this iPhone ever again, haha. I LOVE the new GPS feature... I'll never be lost again! I never need to know where I'm at, all I have to do is type in where I want to go, and it provides me the way! And I can freaking transfer money right from my phone! How cool is that? Not to mention I can play the music right off my phone into my CD player in the car... crazy. Best phone I've ever had... and I've had a lot of cool phones!
Anyway, it's time to go to Ikea now. :) My room is almost done! I ordered the bamboo, already got the desk and giant TV... now I just need the new bed! Hopefully they have the one I want so I can get it today. Then all the furniture will be bought, and all I'll have to do it put it all together... the painting, building the fountains... I'm so excited about that part haha. I just can't wait to buy the fish for them... this shit's gonig to look insane. No one will have anything like it. Oh yeah, all of a sudden I'm an interior designer, too HAHA. ;)
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Thursday, August 13th, 2009
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| Subject: | Who's Bill? |
| Time: | 4:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  complacent. | | Music: | "I smashed the windows out your caaar..." who even is this?? haha.... |
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Sometimes I wonder where the fear went... Hardened by circumstance, it's almost an involuntary action anymore to give the police such an attitude. I don't even think about it, it just comes out... and I'm never scared of the consequence; Nevermind that this same exact scenario just got me thrown in jail, what... a month ago? Still haven't even been to my final court date for that, and here we are again...
As I was leaving the school last night, I saw a girl in a blue tiburon with rims and all... of course I just wanted to show off, haha. I always have the superior tiburon, never once pulled up to one that mine wasn't nicer than, so I kind of flaunt it; yeah okay I admit it, haha... So I just drop it into third and fly by her letting my exhaust scream, and I must have done like... 70 in that 35. As I then make a right hand turn, I see the lights haha...
I pull into a parking lot and wait, but nothing happens... so I just start searching for my registration. I then hear "Driver, step outside of the vehicle, now." as I'm just like "You've got to be kidding me..." So I do, with a smirk on my face, and just throw my hands up in the air saying "Me... you're scared of ME?!" Of course I get the whole "I have no idea who you are, I'm just doing my job" speech, and I just say "LOOK at me!!" just making fun of the situation... he tells me to bring him my license and registration, and I tell him I have to find it... of course that leads to a fight of whether he wants me in or out of the damn car, as I'm telling him to make up his mind because I have to get IN the car to get what he's asking for... I finally find it and bring it to him. He's like "What the HELL were you doing, girl you have no sense!!" And I could tell how this was going to go, so I just made something up really quick in my deepest sincerity haha... I said "Look, I'm not even gonna lie to you... I just got these headers installed today, and..." and before I could even finish, he was like "and you was trying to hear them, weren't you??" and I said yes... yes, I was. He looks down at my ID, and says "So, what are you a student there?" and I said yes, that I am and also work there. He asks which department and I tell him admissions. He says "admissions??" and looks at me, hands me my stuff back and says "Oh I'm gonna talk to Bill - get out of here..." I don't know who "Bill" is, but I play along. "What?!" I say - "Are you serious?" He says "Oh I'll be dealing with you later, get out of here..." and he drives right off!
Haha. Who is "Bill"? What a way to let me go but still make me feel like I was in trouble haha... Even if "Bill" was the President, what's he gonna do, haha? I can NOT believe I got out of that at all... that's the third time that's happened, where I was nothing but an asshole and got off anyway. One time I was even caught driving on a suspended license, and after our screaming match, the guy gives me a ride back to work instead of jail! But he actually said he liked the way I was "feisty" and didn't "take no crap from nobody" haha. I thought that was a cop's worst nightmare?
I still can't hear out of my right ear. Pretty fucking annoying... it's been a week now. I'm seriously about to schedule a doctors appointment... as much as I've been dreading the thought. But I don't know what to do!
I have to buy a TV tomorrow and I think it's weird that I have never done this before! Twenty-six years old, and never once bought a TV haha. My parents bought me my first one and I inherited one from a roommate from my very first apartment... had the same two ever since! And now Dani has them haha... and I need one! But what the fuck, I don't even know what I'm looking for! Who knows about this shit? I know I want an LCD... HD, obviously. And I know 1080P is supposedly better than 1080I but in reality, that doesn't much matter. I know this, because we deal with interlaced vs progressive in film. :) Makes a difference in cameras... TV's, however... MARKETING SCAM!! Ugh, and speaking of cameras, I need one of those, too; And for what I need it for, only the Nikon D90 will do. :( Three fucking grand, good lord... I only wanted the D60, but that model doesn't even have an HDMI output, much less LiveView. And the D90 does shoot HD video on top of being a spectacular SLR... I just don't want to spend the money. :( But it's imperative and must happen. I have so many things in the works and need to get moving already...
I want too much... but soon, very soon - I will have it all. :)
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Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
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I just starched and ironed my crisp white shirt for work tomorrow, and then ate a salad for dinner... What the fuck is wrong with me...?
But to counteract all that domestication, I must insert that I am typing this from my brand new 32gb iPhone 3Gs... in white! Haha I fell into it and signed my life away... Now that's more like it! ;)
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Monday, August 10th, 2009
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I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Self-Knowing Lifelong Learning Extrovert
Hmm... pretty accurate, I guess; "Lifelong learning" describes me perfectly haha...
My office is chaos right now, so I'm resorting to LiveJournal haha. We just moved into our new building and I actually have more of an office now, with even a seat for my students - kinda crazy!
The house is coming along, too... we had a really productive weekend. I'm starting to accumulate a lot of what I left behind in Tampa; Funny enough, Dani is moving into a new apartment as well, so we actually went back and did move all the shit I left behind, but for her; She took it all, haha. I left so much furniture, all the TV's... I guess it's better that I found someone who could use the shit... I just didn't want to go through the hassle of moving it or selling it, so I just left it all. But my new desk finally just came in, and I'll be getting the new bed and TV this week. I'm so fucking excited about this new room, I have everything already picked out for it haha. The furniture, wall coverings, paint... I can't wait! I found half rounds of bamboo that I'm going to line the wall with my bed against it in for texture and color; The bed I found is pimp, it's all pine with black drawers and the headboard has shelves in to put candles on... then on each side of the bed, there are going to be big fountains WITH fish in them! Evan and I are drawing them up right now and about to build them ourselves so it's custom and just the way I want them. So all of that is going on one wall, then across from it is my desk, the only piece of furniture I'll have aside from the bed. I have my two monitors set up for either computer use or TV use - but I think I'm going to buy a 50" flat screen to mount on the walls above them because evidently BrightHouse doesn't allow their cable boxes to be hooked up via DVI haha. Damn them! But that's all that will be in the room, very minimalist. There's two long vertical windows on the adjacent wall, and then the closet on the other, which I'll be swapping the doors on for mirror doors. I can't wait for it all to come together... the pine and bamboo is going to look awesome on that black tile floor.
And then there's my other room, which I finally got my studio set up in this weekend as well. The green screen is up, the lights and umbrellas are all set up, and now we just need to do a little building in there, too. The green screen fit perfectly on the farthest wall, took up the whole wall - then on the adjacent wall there's the window to the pool deck, and opposite of the wall with the green screen, we are going to build a custom vinyl bench the exact size of the wall, for storage for all the camera equipment, and also of course for a place to sit if you're not the one in front of the camera. It's going to be really nice, I'm excited.
We finally found a lawn guy and a pool guy... now we just need to finish cleaning and start painting. Whoever lived there before us clearly sucked and knew nothing about house maintenance. I had to vacuum my CEILINGS! And don't even ask me about the fan blades or AC vents... I could have died from all the dust. And the colors they chose for these walls... just, wow. We are going to leave this house in way better shape than we found it in. The pool deck needs pressure washed, and so does the pool itself. And jacuzzi, really... Such a nice house, but someone just didn't take care of it at all... The stove is sweet, though! I've been eating so well again, it's so nice haha. We had steak last night with wine sauce... MmmMm it was amazing! We have a 60" TV for the living room now, too with wiring throughout the house not only for surround sound, but also for running music out to the pool deck - that's going to be nice. There are already speaker mounts in the walls out there, so all we have to do is set it all up. And buy rafts with beer holders HAHA. ;)
I'm finally buying an iPhone this week, too so you all can finally stop hating me for never getting your messages on time because my phone is always dead... not being able to send me picture messages... constantly getting kicked off of AIM... and yeah, everything else that sucks about the Sidekick, haha. And... what else? Oh, the housewarming party is going to be tied in with a graduation party - I GRADUATE ON THE 28TH!! So, I guess just stay posted for that... I'm really just waiting to get a bar out by the pool deck before we do anything like that. But soon! :)
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Saturday, August 8th, 2009
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With each time I return to Orlando, I grow less and less tolerant of fucking UCF idiots. I really need to just stay away from that part of town... I finally got to ride today, so I jumped at the chance and drove around town... Once I get to University, of course I stop next to an SUV full of guys hanging out of it and trying to talk to me. I ignore them and wait for the light to turn green... when it does, I realize the car in front of me is friends with them, and they're like... trying to carry on a conversation from car to car, so the one in front of me keeps slamming on their brakes... I mean how the fuck can I ride like that? You slam the brakes on a bike, and you're going over the handlebars! So a couple scary moments later, after that all finally stops - one of the guys from the SUV decides to throw a cup out the window, which just misses me... I swear to god if I were more experienced, their door would have been kicked in. What fucking morons...
And then of course returning to Tampa tonight was atrocious as well. I have committed academic suicide with the threats I followed through with at that school, and now everyone knows me. They intentionally do not make eye contact with me and avoid speaking to me as much as possible. They basically fucked with thousands of dollars of mine, and I was patient for an entire fucking month asking where this money went, but after that long of not getting anywhere, the gloves came off. This entire last week has consisted of me demanding results from them, and I promised them that if this shit wasn't in my hands by Friday, I'd be making a trip to Tampa. Needless to say, they finally moved their fucking asses and found my money - but as I still don't have it in my hands, I did make a trip to their office tonight. Every single fucking person avoided me until I made it a point to be heard. All I wanted to know, was where my fucking money was; And of course, "it's a process." They can't just give me a check, no, they have to specifically put it on my IADT credit card, which can't be done until Tuesday... fucking christ, can we drag this out any longer?
I then go to visit my old co-workers' department and of course hear of more bullshit that Hitler in heels is trying to pull... for fucks sake I'm so glad I left, what a fucking bitch. If karma doesn't get her, I fucking will for sure. I walk closer and closer to that BMW of hers every fucking time I pull up in that parking garage. She thinks she can just treat everyone like they're so beneath her, and there are people in that department that have done nothing to deserve her ridicule, yet she has the audacity to say to our administrator "All the guys in management are gone now, you're not going to be able to just bat your eyelashes and get what you want anymore..." What THE FUCK?! This girl has been there since DAY ONE when IADT Online STARTED - never ONCE been written up because she did an awesome job for us... and yet, what do I hear today? Even she got written up... I read the report and was infuriated at the falsities; And it wasn't even my write up! This fucking woman is Satan! GOD I hope she gets what's coming to her... who the fuck does she think she is?? I could go on about all the other bullshit she had the audacity to say to this poor girl, but there's so much. I really can't believe it all... can't anyone see what's going on there?!
Funny enough, I heard more to the story of my transfer to Orlando that she tried to stop, too - I guess one of my co-workers was actually in HR when our HR manager was on the phone with someone talking about the whole situation... Remember, Satan got pissed that I went around her for my transfer (um, because I don't fucking TRUST YOU!) so she called the fucking CEO and had him tell my new boss I was "unhireable" and tried to stop me from getting that job? Yeah... I guess my co-worker heard the HR side of the phone call with said CEO saying "Look, (Satan) was speaking out of complete anger, Tiffany is fine, and she is going to Orlando - I've already put the paperwork through, it's done." That explains so much... The night Satan found out I was transferring to Orlando to escape her, she took the CEO out to fucking dinner just to fill his head with bullshit and tell him to stop the transfer - so in turn, the CEO calls my fucking boss at like 8PM I guess right after his little dinner with Satan, completely bitching him out, literally screaming saying that I was "unhireable," and that he could not let me come back to Orlando. My boss tried to stand up for me and tell him that I actually have always been in good standing with this company, and he got hung up on! I guess maybe that's when the next phone call the CEO placed was to HR, and that's when that conversation took place that my co-worker heard - because the next morning, the CEO called my boss back and apologized. Makes sense now - I wondered what the fuck could have happened to A. make him so enraged like that over someone he doesn't even fucking know, and B. make him turn around and apologize that quickly. What a fucking joke... how can anyone be that evil? KNOWING that this wasn't just my job, it was my life, my education! You don't fucking like me, fine - I made the arrangements to get the fuck out of your hair... and you can't just let it go? You have to try and ruin me completely? What the fuck did she care if I went back to Orlando?! But that speaks volumes for who she is - thinking she's the decider of all fate. Fuck you, you had no fucking idea who I was and that you can't hold ME down. I'm still waiting to laugh in your fucking face... I always get what I want; And even people like YOU with all your goddamn "power" will never be able to stop that.
I am a more powerful force than you'll ever be; Never fucking doubt that, no matter who you are.
So... I deal with all that shit, hold her and tell her she's going to be fine even though I didn't even believe that myself, and proceeded to class. I don't know how my life works this way... I'm literally reading a poem online that a girl has yet again written about me while I'm waiting for class to start, and my friend who likes me so much comes to sit next to me... While I'm talking to him, my phone rings and it's a girl from school who remembered I came back to Tampa on Fridays and wanted to know if I was at school so she could come find me on campus. I tell her where I'm at, so eventually I'm now with both of them, who both do this - they don't have to be on campus for any reason, but they'll always come to school just because they know I'm there and it's pretty much the only way they ever see me. And you can imagine how that went... fuck. Simultaneous guilt trips of this and that... He asked me if I wanted to see a movie after class since we never made it last Friday, and I say no, that I have so much work to do if I want to graduate this month, and that's when it all starts... The girl says "Hey, at least you've actually been invited to see a movie with her, shit that's more than I get!" and of course he comes back with "Yeah but it never really ever happens..." and they seriously go back and forth pretty much venting of how I'm too busy for this, and can't do that, and give more attention to one than the other... I mean what the fuck? I mean I really like the guy as my friend, but when he says things like "She knows I'll drop whatever I'm doing to see her," it makes me realize that he always has done that, and that's not what I want! I am not that special, and I start to feel like I owe something when the relationship is like that... They've both told me that they'd seen me walking around the halls and always wanted to know me, so when I walked into one of their classes, they got so excited to finally get to meet me, and... I don't know, when a friendship starts off that way, where the hell can it really go, you know? I like them... but not how they like me. And this is the bullshit I deal with every fucking day, anywhere I go. Sometimes I do like being in a relationship because then it's at least like "Okay I just shouldn't say anything, she's already taken anyway..." but this stuff just weirds me out. My nick name in that place is "celebrity status" just because of all the people who have said to me "Wow, I finally get to meet you!" it's like... whoa. When even the instructors know you as that... wow. I could never be famous. I'll just never understand it...
And this girl from L.A... kinda scaring me off, too with how into me she is without even meeting me. I can't sign into AIM not even once without her messaging me, and if I don't sign in, she's texting me... I mean, I did intend on going out there but... I just don't want to go out there under this pretense already, you know? We are not that involved yet, and we're not going to be just because I stepped foot off of a plane into L.A. I need to know her, and that's what I would be going there for... not to automatically be someone so involved. I just need a vacation... and would gladly go to L.A. to explore possible living situations out there - and if along the way, I end up liking some girl out there and having some fun along the way, well... that's fine; But it's not going to be the center of my vacation. I told her I'd be renting my own car and probably even staying in a hotel of my own, but of course she'd rather me stay with her so we can be together for the entire duration of my trip... Something tells me I'm not going to be able to do this the way I'd want to, and therefore I just won't go. ::sigh:: The magnetism of my existence does nothing but hold me down...
And then of course there's my little hot mess who landed herself in the hospital... for fuck's sake... can't I just lead a normal life? Maybe for just a week? A day...? How is she the one, who gets my attention? She, who does nothing but fuck up? She, who could have me wholly if she just fucking straightened herself out... I contemplate us all the time, and I know she does, too. But I keep my distance, the red flags are blinding; So blinding, that sometimes I just keep my eyes closed... and that's how she ends up in places she doesn't belong, but I just can't stop it. Kiss and kill me softly... I'll never stop ( these endless nights... )
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Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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| Subject: | Work... |
| Time: | 7:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  humored. | | Music: | fallout boy - coffee's for closers. |
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Hahaha... and the queen resumes her crown ONCE again! ;)
I really should have had a video camera for today's prank, it was way too funny to even describe. I think they'll leave me alone after today though haha... I swear I work in a circus.
Our whole school is packing up and moving, it's glorious... right after I just freaking moved myself, right? FUN! So my cube-mate starts the morning off by saying "So this is our last day in this building, you better watch out cause I'm gonna make sure I get one last prank in for good memories!" So I waited... but nothing came. So I decided to take him on instead haha... for MY good memory!
Of course I turned his screen upside down to begin with... and then put his keyboard cord into his mouse outlet and vice versa. I then downloaded the Sanford & Son theme song onto his computer, so that when he got an email, that song would play. (If you saw this guys insanely messy desk, you'd understand!) Lastly, put Darth Vader on his phone at maximum volume, just breathing heavy for his ringtone, haha... and then waited in anticipation for him to come back to his desk haha...
Of course he can't figure out why his screen is upside down, much less why he can't unlock his computer because CTRL + ALT + DELETE isn't working haha... after awhile, I finally switch his cords back so his mouse and keyboard work again, but laugh in amusement as he can barely even type his password anyway since the screen is upside down... and then laugh even more as he pleads for me to turn his screen back to normal, so I say "Okay" and quickly press the keyboard shortcut to turn it back around and just watch him get pissed as he can't figure out what I'm pressing haha...
So I wait about ten minutes for him to think the prank is over, and then set up the second one haha... I wait until he's having a small meeting at his desk, so there would be witnesses haha, and that's when I place the call to his phone. In mid-sentence all of a sudden in THE loudest volume ever, Darth Vader starts breathing heavily at his desk and man does he jump hahaha. Everyone dies laughing as no one can figure out how the hell that breathing is coming out of his phone haha... but man... as if that moment wasn't funny enough... it got even better...
See, now he really thinks it's all over and actually gets on the phone now to do some work. I hear him get on a call with a student, and that's when I send him the email hahaha... all of a sudden in mid-sentence with his student, the Sanford & Son theme song starts blaring in his face from his computer screen, and the volume was locked on blast hahaha... he's like fumbling around trying to say "hold... hold on a second" as everyone around him is dying laughing and he's got this damn never-ending song blaring hahaha... he can't figure out how to stop it, so he fucking just keeps trying to talk to this student over the blaring music HAHA... god, I wonder what the hell that student was thinking HAHAHA. That's the part I wish I had recorded because you just had to be there to see it... it was so hilarious just watching him try to hover under his messy ass desk to talk on the phone over Sanford & Son HAHA; The irony of the situation...
Haha he's like "GodDAMN, I feel like I've awoken a danm giant!" Haha I told him he was never gonna win this! I am the queen of office pranks, because I know computers better than anyone in here, and they KEEP trying to get me, but it's such childs play haha. I figure it out in less than a minute every time. And I haven't even really begun! I can't wait to get into the disappearing desktop prank - or the one where every time you try to open IE, your computer just mysteriously restarts haha. I can turn the mouse arrow into an hourglass, too so that you think the computer is constantly "thinking"... man I have at least twenty more up my sleeve, they really just need to stop trying to out-do me haha...
I feel like I work in a circus, haha. Hours later, after all my pranks were exhausted, the same guy comes tearing through the hall and runs back to his desk haha... we all just look at him sheepishly like "Ummm...?" and haha... he had walked all the way down the hall to student accounts and realized he didn't lock his computer HAHA - so he tore down the hallway to get back here before we could do anything more, but the funny part was that none of us even noticed he left it unlocked haha... so he came back to us all actually sitting at our desks and working for once, haha. I wonder how much our boss is going to take of this... and just when I say that, he comes around the corner with a balloon in his hand exclaiming "Stop playin!" in a helium-filled voice HAHA... WOW.
God, this campus is SO different than Tampa... I was so miserable there. It's so good to be home. I'm really loving getting to meet my students again, and hug them and love them haha... I enrolled the cutest little gangsta yesterday and now he's hitting up my phone all day haha... I love these kids. And the parents always love me so much, too - always complimenting my own journey in how I got here, and telling me how I'm setting a great example for their own children, and they wouldn't want anyone else guiding them through college. That feels so good, because I really have set an example and deserve this job. I can talk to these kids better than anyone can... and they love me! :)
I totally lost my privilege of piercings though, that sucks. I made my boss a deal, that I got to keep them in unless I was meeting with a student, and... one of my students showed up three hours early for our meeting and surprised me, so I totally forgot to take them out and... yeah, passed my boss in the hall. After the meeting he told me I had to keep them out now because I didn't keep my end of the deal. :( But you know what, he's right... I didn't. It sucks, but I know I was in the wrong and I did make a promise. And this is how work is SUPPOSED to go; It was so much easier to accept than dealing with the bitch in Tampa who probably would have just told me to take them out just because... I like that we actually get to have chances to prove ourselves here, it's not just a fucking dictatorship. I do things my way here... no script, no bullshit... just me.
I guess I could follow up on my last post, but it's only gotten more depressing, so I'll refrain from that in this post, I guess. I'm leaving her to herself for a couple days... she needs to figure shit out, and I'm going to Tampa to shoot for the weekend anyway. When I come back, and she's all moved in... I can only hope we can start to turn some things around. Last time I talked to her, she really did sound sincere in wanting out... but I'm going to have to see action, or she will; See the action of my feet walking right out the fucking door. I'm not playing around with this shit - I like her so much, but she's so fucking beautiful and doing nothing but destroying herself. And I have plenty of other girls who are waiting for the chance she has right now so... maybe I just need to wake up.
But the sad part is when you don't really give a fuck how many girls wish they had her chance, because you know she shines brighter to you than any of them...
Anyway, I need to start packing now... again!
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So many things I've done... so many things I question, though it's my own doing.
Sometimes I feel like it's not even me who lives this life... Who am I anyway...?
I try to live only for myself... but the people we hurt along the way seem to leave a stain so deep, that to carry these gift are truly nothing but mere burdens. It's not in our design to do this purposefully, but the effect is inevitable when the cause has no frills; No room for fillers. And even when the truth truly "hurts," it doesn't make it any easier to lie. I try to be straightforward... but your heart breaking will soon resemble mine anyway.
I never meant that I wanted to change you; You decided that, for yourself.
I will never force myself to be someone that I am not - to love someone, that I do not. It disgusts me to see people like my ex-girlfriend living with such a lie, every day. Too concerned with the potential of hurting someone else, to even recognize what it's doing to her. Your life soon becomes out of your own hands... a mere illusion, is all there is to become of you. I refuse to be a myth, or to live for someone else. You could mold yourself into a million different things, but what you don't see is that your face never changes, to me. To change you, would be to lie to you. I would never ask that of anyone, because it will never change the way I see, or feel for you.
It's so easy to assume that a person wants what they portray in themselves... so when you seem to not be getting very far, it's easy to imitate what you think may get you farther... but that's not the answer, and will not work. Now you're just going to break both of our hearts...
These words I stumbled upon of yours, they made my every intention fall to the ground. Have I misled you? Have I really done these horrible things? Or is this just you... and perhaps this is your design; your constant stream of consciousness?
"I make mistake after mistake / the route I chose to take
I fall and scrape my face on this gravel
correct me / fix me / mold me / change me
while you are doing that / I will be picking at my skin
my face / my outer appearance
constantly critiquing / hand me the scalpel
What I look like when I am done / My family wont recognize
I wont recognize / my mirror wont recognize
and when you're done / making your changes
fixing my parts / until they are the perfect ride
I will not be the girl... / the sweet sweet girl...
with the laugh / that captured you and sustained you.....(etc.)"
This struck a chord in the shallow depths of the inaudible choir held within my heart; The voices started to sing... as the songs of sorrow pierced my ears. I did not make myself this way...
I did not make myself this way.
Please don't look at me like that; I've rehearsed every word we've exchanged forwards and backwards in my mind, and cannot justify myself as being deserving of this crime. I would never make you feel this way... I could never make you real this way. What you are is real, never change that for anyone. You only took away from yourself by trying to be something you thought I'd want to see... and now you've taken a part of me as well. I don't deserve this...
I don't deserve this.
My heart is already in a million pieces... can't any of you see this? You all want a piece of me so fucking bad, but all I even consist of is scars, so where the FUCK are you supposed to make your mark? It's so overwhelming, the things that nobody sees... I'm so fucking perfect, I can't even live up to it. I am none of these things... none of these things.. I'm left so empty by even things that I want; Nothing will ever fill this hole... not until my heart becomes whole. So it only lets in the usual suspects, drowning out echoes of previous situations. Anyone who can actually make this heart beat is hard to let go of, since they're so few and far between anymore; But even they will leave me empty... something's missing. Something's always missing.
It's been quite sometime since anyone has held me the way she did tonight... I couldn't even let go, I let her embrace swallow me whole. With all of the above perpetuating in daily rotation with one girl after the next that I cannot satisfy, it felt good to finally satisfy someone... because she could satisfy me. It takes a lot, I understand... but I cannot change who I am or what I want. And even when what I want is her, I do not admit this, especially to her. I feel so scarred from this that I've replaced the heart on my sleeve with dice on my cuff links and just roll with the change now... no point in fighting it anymore; I waste enough energy fighting off everything else...
But she left me emptier than even the first time. I was so content back in her arms, laying next to her... feeling the sincerity in the warmth of her body engulfing mine, as I was reminded how perfectly her body molded to mine... but she was not how I left her before. A clear regression has taken place, and this time it's too severe of a change for me to let myself feel for her again, as much as I already can't help it. It's painful to fight these feelings when she brings such a smile to my face... I mean the day we had today was so unconventional, but I actually had fun. But only because I was with her, and because of the way we went about handling it. I've never laughed so much moving fucking furniture, haha. But the context of the situation was just so funny, being that we're both twigs, and so nervous around the other to begin with haha. But... we had long conversations driving from Orlando to Tampa and back, and... what she told me, I cannot ignore.
It hurts so much, I've never in my life felt this before. She told me she's started using heroin, and... my heart just dropped. Sure, I've been through this before, I dated Jillian while she shot up for the entire year I was with her... but that was different, because I was so young and strung out on my own drugs then to even realize the severity of the situation. But I'm so much older now and way more mature... I can't handle this now, it's just too much. Of course I tried to talk to her, but there's no talking to someone who's already fucking in it. But for her to stab that fucking needle into her arms just stabs my fucking heart... I can't be with her if she's going to do that, I just can't. No matter how much I like her, I know I have to walk away. Again. I never stopped feeling for her, obviously. And to have her back in my arms was so fulfilling... but not like that. I can't hold a ticking time bomb; her days are numbered if she's going to keep that up, and I just can't watch...
She tried to compare me feeling this way to the way she feels every time I get on that bike, but that is incomparable. I can stop riding if I absolutely had to - she's not going to be able to quit this. She's already admitted it's all she wants now, above all. And besides, there is a much more significant chance of living if you ride street bikes, than if you fucking shoot up. That's a completely absurd comparison, even though I do understand where she's coming from, especially with me wanting to stunt ride - but still, I'm not exactly asking for it just because I want to ride - she is. There's no turning back from that shit, it will ruin her. All I want is to keep her around this time - I front so much with her... so, so much - but the reality is that I really do care for this girl, as much as I won't admit it. And I know it's undeniable when hearing those words come out of her mouth completely ripped my heart out today. I didn't know what to do, so I just let her hold me... as if kissing me could silence my screaming heart, pounding it's fists against my ribcage.
As if my heart weren't already shattered, I was at least glad that some of the pieces that still remained, still belonged to her and found their way back to her... but now I don't even know what to do with them, except discard of them anyway. What a fucking cruel joke... so many try, and most fail; but the few that do make it into my heart, end up taking bigger pieces of it than I was even willing to give in the first place... and most of the time, I can't even get it back...
So now you see why your chances are so slim, and I am hardly up for the challenge of someone new;
Please stop acting like I'm perfect, when I struggle more than you'll ever know...
And my struggle, is just like yours.
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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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..... ;)
(Saved the best for last...)
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"You seriously just became a fan of 'Adult Entertainment'... really? That's so... 1980's of you!" HAHA... Facebook it out of control.
It's raining again... over it! So I'm sitting here with dye on my head wondering which cut I should try next... Opinions? :)
Here is what it looks like now,
( and here are some pictures of what I'm debating... )
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Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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Hehe... I only have time to update when it's raining. ;)
Living with Evan is awesome. I didn't know he also had a .45 and he actually let me lock and load haha. Most people are weird about you touching their guns... but that was cool, no other roommate I've ever had would stand in the kitchen with me teaching me how to load a gun even quicker haha. His is way cooler though, it's no fucking joke. We're going to go to the shooting range, I'm so excited - no one has ever wanted to go before! But I've always wanted to perfect my aim... I always say I'm gonna use it if I need to - and I don't really doubt my aim, but I kinda want to at least practice some... The only bitches I've ever threatened anyway would run just at the sight of the thing haha... Girls in Tampa are SO much talk! Still wish I coulda ran into that certain nuisance though... I love shoving all that talk right back down their throats and watching the fear cloud their eyes. They never see me coming... that's the best part. :)
My job is insane... the war that I've started cannot diminish now, it's ridiculous. This guy constantly lurked around corners to scare the shit out of me, so I kept telling him that one day I was going to get him back... he didn't believe me, so while he left his computer unlocked, I went in and changed his screen to upside down, and someone else switched his keys around haha... so he comes back and is like "Oh hell no..." he couldn't get back in to save his life, it was so funny. I finally switched his screen back for him and said "Now let that be a lesson to you... I could have not showed you how to fix that at all - don't mess with me, you won't win, I promise. So what do you think that started? The WHOLE office now tries to get me, because they thought that was a cocky statement haha - which, it was, but I wouldn't of said it if I couldn't own it. I come back from lunch, and my mouse isn't working. But after moving it around for like... five seconds, what do you think I do next? They were of course expecting me to be all "why is my mouse not working, what the...." but no. I would not satisfy them, haha... I immediately picked up the mouse to check the optical light underneath and sure enough, they had taped paper over it so the light couldn't work. I just laugh and say "child's play, guys..." as they all kind of still chuckle. Minutes later, I notice that my volume is all the way up, which tips me off that something else has also been done, but I haven't detected it yet. So I decide to search through my computer files, and I find a sound file called "wolves howling in a pack" that I did not download, and search it's path. It's directed towards my inbox, haha... and I gotta hand it to them, that was pretty smooth - IF I wasn't too smart for them and didn't disarm it before they could excute this prank haha. They rigged my email so that every time I got an email, wolves would start howling. Pretty funny, I admit. But to see the look of defeat on their faces when one of them sent me some random email to test out this little prank, and all I did was open the email, turn around slowly, as of course they're all looking at me waiting - and I just say "What... were you expecting to hear some wolves howling in a pack or something...?" HAHA the look of sheer horror on their faces as they stuttered "How the... WHAT?! How did you...." hahaha. I just laughed and said "I told you, you can't outsmart me, you will never win..." and just turned back around. They all were finally just like "Damn dude... you really are fucking smart," and now instead of trying to pull pranks, they come to me asking for some of MY secrets haha. I won't tell any of them how to turn a screen vertical, or upside down for that matter and it's killing them. "That was the best prank pulled here since the email sound byte prank!" Haha... classic. ;) I love that prank, because you seriously can't work... you're just done for. So I guess that was my "hazing" although it was quite disappointing haha. Ah, Orlando... how I've missed this campus so much! ;)
The way people underestimate me is hilarious. I really feel like I get better and better with age, too. I just keep learning and learning... my brain is like a sponge, and I can do anything... anything! Anyone who's seen me ride is shocked. I guess no one makes it this far yet, and I've progressed very rapidly. For instance last night, I rode all the way across town to Sandra & Lisa's for dinner, and while I was there it started pouring. "Great," I thought as now I couldn't leave of course - and Evan didn't know where I was. I wait an hour for the roads to dry a little, and ride home. I'm a little worried because my tires are extremely bad in the rain, and no one should be riding that bike on wet roads... but I wanted to get through it, I wanted to push myself. So Evan ends up texting me like five minutes before I arrive home with "So... I'm kinda starting to worry about you." He'd been home all night and saw the bike gone when he got there, and it was now reaching midnight and he had no idea where I was and if the rain had anything to do with me still not being home." I pull up, and I see him sitting in the garage waiting for me, with this sigh of relief. He was just like "I have no idea how you just rode like that, I was so scared because you are nowhere near ready for that type of riding, but... wow, I guess you proved me wrong!" I admitted that it was a little scary, as I could feel my back tire getting out from under me a lot, but I handled it well and was able to maintain the bike. He was shocked, haha... and I know where he's coming from, I've only been riding for what... a couple months now? And people usually still haven't even reached 70mph at this point. I have. :) And I went exploring one night and ended up on cobblestone... scary! But I made it through that as well. I don't know, I like pushing myself and making it through things that I didn't think I could do. But it's cool to hear someone like Evan who rides really well, say "You've really impressed me with the pace of which you've picked this up..." I always try something new every time I go out, and set a new goal. I learn through incremental learning, so if I went out last night and taught myself how to ride with one hand - I'll go out tonight and teach myself with no hands. That's how I got used to the insanity of the speed, too. The first time I ever did 30mph, I freaked out haha. I'll never forget it! "Holy SHIT this is fast!!" and then I look down and the speedometer only says 30 HAHA. But once I got comfortable with that, I pushed myself up to 50mph the next day... then 70mph the next, and I haven't really passed that mark yet.
One thing is for sure though... I'm definitely addicted. :) There's nothing like riding... nothing. And I could never explain it to anyone who's never done it... before I had one, I never thought of bikes like this. They were just something else on the road to me... but now when I'm on it, the world around me is seen through such different eyes. And when I'm in the car, I notice every bike on the road, and observe their riding styles. It's weird... I only wish they were a little lighter, that's really my only problem. I'm way too small to be handling these things, but I make it work. I mean jesus, I have this 400lb machine between my legs that will fall right over at a red light if I lose my balance in any way - I can't just save the fall like most guys could... if it starts to tip, it's done for, I couldn't save that much weight from falling. And most of the weight is balanced with my thighs, not even my hands. Pretty uneasy feeling haha... but I know I'll get used to it in time, and soon I'll be throwing that thing around like it's a toy. I watch these guys throw their bikes into turns at like 70mph as they are pretty much laying on their sides and just stare in amazement wondering when I'm going to get to that point... It's pretty cool to see my progress just in myself. It's funny how people always say "You can tell how long someone has been riding by how long it takes them to pick up their feet from a launch" but... that was never really the case with me. I only walked it out like... the first few times I went for a serious ride on a real road... I mean it's pretty scary when you're trying to balance something that heavy that only wants to fall over when not in motion - but after I found my balance after a few rides, my feel go up instantly now as if I've been riding forever. I think it's just because I'm not babying myself. Most people let their fear decide their progress, but I push myself to see through the mental blocks and just go for it. Cornering though... I will say, that's still one mental block I haven't gotten through. Definite progress has been made, I mean I can ride across town now, in traffic and all... but I still take turns at like 10mph and I need to speed that up. It's horrifying though, haha... SO scary. Evan even took me into turns on my own bike, leaning as far as he could to get me past the fear, but even that freaked me out. I knew I was safe, but it was such an uneasy feeling being that close to the ground like that.
I feel like it's necessary to document all my experiences with all that because when I start stunting, I'm going to look back at all this and laugh haha. I'm going to be amazing, I can already tell that this hobby is probably going to take over my life haha. Every day I come home, play with Djali outside in his new huge yard, and tire him out so I can go ride for awhile while the sun goes down. That's why I only have time to update now when it's raining, heh. ;) I'm sure this will get more interesting once I start stunting, because then there will surely be bone crushing experiences to live to tell about haha... (just kidding... but then again I'm probably not, unfortunately..)
And oh are there girls to write about, haha... WOW.
I'll save that for next time! ;)
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I went the entire two weeks without getting arrested and going back to jail! After a lot of extensive bullshit, I got everything back today and am now officially a resident of Orange County again; my new license even says so. ;) Probably the first time in my life that I actually obeyed the ten day rule of changing your address once you move haha.
Man, this house... crazy! (We got the one with the pool and jacuzzi.) There is not a ghetto for miiiles! In fact, we're directly in front of a middle school, and then when you turn the corner, there's the Trinity Prep School. We're surrounded by some NICE fucking houses, and right across from Tiffany Woods (yes, I know...) The houses in our own subdivision are all mediocre (but only by my standards, I'm told haha) with the exception of a few exceptionally nice ones, but we all have our own private pools with big back yards which is pretty rare in Orlando heh - we like to build houses on top of each other here! I like it... Evan and I both get two rooms, one of mine being the master with the awesomely huge bathroom area leading out to the pool and jacuzzi - the other is going to be my photography studio; I think I'm going to sneak my instruments into Evans second room haha - I'm sure that's all that room is going to be - full of instruments, so he won't even notice hehe. ;) The house needs some upgrades, which should be an interesting endeavor seeing how I always get such excessively nice things, so I don't know where the line will be drawn with all that - for instance, the closet doors to me are atrocious. I'm sure anyone else could handle it, but a closet door that creaks is just not gonna work for me haha... so of course if I'm going to replace something like closet doors, I'm going to buy mirrored doors because... well, why wouldn't you, you're already replacing them! May as well pimp it out haha... And whoever painted in here last had clearly no artistic ability or sense of creativity what-so-ever; the walls are also atrocious. But the floors on the other hand... are immaculate. Very pretty floors, I even have black tile in my bedroom, which is cool. And the house is big... it kinda keeps going and going once you're in it haha. Oh my god and the garage! It's a dream! My car is parked in there, and I can still do a complete 360 on the bike right beside it! Wtf! Haha that's probably only for this week, as I'm sure once Evan gets all his stuff here, he's going to want to park in the garage also but... even when he does, there will still be PLENTY of room to walk around in there or still park the bikes beside the cars, but we won't even need to do that because there's a littly cubby-like hole toward the back that the bikes fit in perfectly so that we still have plenty of space in between the cars. Man working on them now is going to be amazing... I'm so used to being so cramped in some crowded one car garage that I can barely even open my door in, let alone work on the damn car in there!
The outside is almost even better than the inside though, haha. Our pool deck is completely screened in, in this huge area that sits on a huge back yard - I mean our entire area out back is equivalent to the size of the entire house, it's awesome. I can't get over how big the pool AND jacuzzi is - Evan and I went in there last night as it was our first night here, and that jacuzzi is 10x better than the one I had in Tampa. We both just grinned at each other from across the steam and laughed at how crazy things are going to get in this house with all this excess haha... I already know the first girl that's coming over haha, it's that bad. I'm so looking forward to it, too man she is sooo fucking hot haha. Not only did we have our time in my first jacuzzi, but what happened after that is what keeps me hanging onto her HAHA. ;) Maaan... we've not seen each other once without having sex, not once. And she's the only person that can awaken me in my unaffactionate sleeps like I've been in lately, I swear. Anyone else I'm just like "eh..." but when the "I want to see you" text comes from her... all of a sudden I'm down haha. I guess first positions really are everything HAHA... and she just happened to pick my favorite one without even asking. ;)
Ew but anyway... haha.. So yeah, someone needs to buy floating beer pong for the pool as a housewarming present haha. We're going to put a bar out there on the deck and obviously some furniture. I see all Sundays from here on out being spent with friends again, poolside. Man that's going to be nice! My entire time in Tampa was spent busting my ass and having no time for a social life. I didn't come back with nothing to show for it, either... but now that that's over, I finally get to resume normal living again! And never work a Sunday again!
Anyway, now that it's midnight and there's not so many cars out, I think I'm going to jump on the bike and explore this area a little more. Cars are so restricting anymore once you own a bike haha; Exploring is so much better this way... I think it's funny that in my last entry I was complaining about how my jacket was $500 and then I went to go buy the helmet a few days after, and... well, that was $500 as well haha. Damn! But - I seriously did get the best brand that has the highest crash test ratings, which is why they can sell them at that price - you want the safest, most proven helmet on your head right? Right... so I bought a Shoei. My Mother would be proud. ;) It's pretty damn awesome looking, too I must say haha... we rode to Red Lobster the other night, and the manager was like "Wow... cool helmet!" haha and I just thought that was hilarious... of course I have to match head to toe, haha. So all my gear is now black and grey themed... there was no way I was going to match my gear to that custom paint on my bike. But it all looks good - I was definitely clashing wearing Evan's blue helmet on that yellow bike haha. Man, neither one of us had been over the Howard Frankland bridge on a bike yet, so we decided to do that the night before loading it in the Uhaul... I let him drive of course, and that motherfucker took us up to 95mph in like... three seconds - I could barely hold on between shifting, the force of that speed was ripping the grip right out of my hands haha! I now COMPLETELY understand where the term "crotch rocket" comes from haha... holy shit! A few flicks of the wrist and you fucking FLY! My neck actually kind of hurt from trying to hold it upright in that wind. I now see that people aren't just trying to look cool by assuming the ducked racing position on the highway haha... god there's so much to learn with bikes - this is such a cool experience...
So yeah... back to actually going to ride, haha..............
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Someone tell me how close I got, haha... I've only heard this song like twice...
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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
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Motorcycles end up not being any cheaper than buying a car, I swear... you don't have to buy any gear with a car! I just bought a $500 jacket, what the fuck?! I actually got it down to three something, but still - $500 for a jacket?? I didn't even end up buying a helmet while I was there, because that was even more! I probably should have bought it, they even had a phoenix one - but I didn't want to spend too much money while I'm trying to move. I can't BELIEVE the price of Shoei... let alone Arai! Those are the only two helmets I'd wear, they're the best quality out of any of them... which is why you pay the price. But seeing how it's my head, I'm going to pay whatever it costs to protect it well, I guess... I did end up going with an Icon jacket, haha... I knew I would - they're like the most fashionable brand. It's so awesome, it has those two birds everyone gets tattooed on them facing each other at the top, then brass knuckles under that and then random stars and shit down the sleeves... girly but not overdone - which is exactly what I wanted. And it's super padded - when I go down, I probably won't have a scratch on me... this thing is heavy as fuck! Armor, haha!
I woke up at 9AM this morning for some ungodly reason, so I just got up and went for a morning ride before the rain came in... felt so good to be back on the bike - I hate leaving it in Tampa... I wonder if since my car license is suspended, that means my motorcycle license is, too? I wonder how they'd impound the bike...? God I'm sure I'll find out one day... I hate driving around Orlando, it's so scary. I feel like I'm in a pool of sharks, they're everywhere... and all it takes is for one of them to get behind me and I'm done for. Keeping that exhaust quiet is a chore... but that car is just a magnet for cops anyway. One more week of this shit... one more week...
Did I ever mention that both my phoenix wings were finally done? Yay! :) I'm waiting for my left arm to match the grays on my right to take some awesome pictures for Nick, the artist. Now I'm almost ready for Octoberfest! :) This should be interesting... the mixture of Harleys vs. street bikes. Man... when I nod to a Harley, I get nothin' haha... they don't even acknowledge us. Just because we have cooler and way faster bikes doesn't mean you have to hate us. ;)
Ryan keeps telling me he's pissed I'm leaving only because he won't get to see me in a wife beater with no bra anymore, or get to see me "making out with hot chicks in the jacuzzi," hahaha. "Oh man, and no more house full of lesbians when I get home?!" Haha wow... we did have some pretty... crazy weird times here. I can be worse than a guy when the mood swings, haha... I wonder how Evan is going to take all that. We've talked about all that, and he said as long as I don't lose respect for him when I see shit like that going on, then he won't lose it for me either, "even though I'll probably out do him," HAHA. Probably true... eventually I'm sure I'll get back into my bad habits, I'm just in solitude right now with no desire for any of that. But uh... we did just put a deposit down for a house with a jacuzzi and pool, so... yeah, that's just asking for it, haha. The realtor keeps calling saying that everything looks really good, (how can't it, our combined monthly income is 5x the amount of rent!) so I'm sure that's the one we'll be getting. We kind of settled, I was tired of looking... What I was looking specifically for was:
Two stories
Hardwood floors ✔
A yard for Djali ✔
Two masters
Two car garage ✔
Walk in closets
and ended up with only half of that - everything with a check by it. So we basically sacrificed the two stories and walk in closets for a pool and jacuzzi... not too bad. There's plenty of closet space still, it's just not in the form that I would have liked it in. I mean, I need a serious entire room for all my clothes, because just my accessories alone (hats, bandanas, belts, ties, SHOES, etc.) are so excessive that they take up an entire closet here. I have more of those five things right there, than anyone I know haha. But I'm pretty satisfied either way... my bedroom has pimp black tile with white grout instead of the hardwood... probably the only thing I'd let slide over hardwood, haha. Any masters with carpet in them, I was like "nope, next..." Floors are imperative to appearance, and most carpet - unless you have some pimp looking really plush shit - just looks cheap. And the yard is huge, Djali will be happy with this...
There's even a shed in case we want to keep the bikes in there instead of the garage. Doubtful, but you never know... I sure as fuck am not mowing that lawn, so fuck keeping a mower in there! I'll be paying someone for lawn and pool service, haha... I'm so high maintenance. ;)
Anyway, I should probably start the packing process... this should be fun throwing all my shit off the balcony, haha...
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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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I am beyond enraged... I swear to god if the state of fucking Florida doesn't stop trying to put me in jail... for fuck's sake... I haven't been this angry that I can't even complete a sentence in awhile...
60 in a 45. Back in 2008... hired a lawyer like I always do - only Orange County lawyers must be completely incompetent because what I came out with was 10x worse than the original ticket, and this has NEVER happened in Tampa. The original ticket was like $100 something... I paid this lawyer $150 to go take care of it, and this fucking jerk comes out with me paying THREE HUNDRED dollars in fines (AFTER the $150 I've already paid HIM) AND and EIGHT hour driving course that is ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS and wait, it gets better - can ONLY be taken in a classroom; AND I'm STILL getting 4 points on my fucking license despite taking a class! Are you fucking kidding me?! What the FUCK did I pay him for??!
So fine, whatever - he just lost a client and I lost some money. I register for this stupid fucking class that isn't even available for two weeks, and call the courthouse. They tell me it's okay that the class isn't available for two weeks, and all I need to do is get a proof of enrollment from the class and bring the $300 in, in order to keep my license from being suspended... so I pay for this stupid fucking class, and have to call back FOUR TIMES to get my stupid certificate. I told her to fax it, I told her to email it... nothing was coming through, and I only have my lunch break to take care of this bullshit... so I keep calling and calling until someone fucking makes something happen. I finally get the certificate, but since it was in my gmail account, my work blocks it and I had to run around campus looking for a computer and printer that weren't blocked... finally find that, print my shit, and go to the courthouse...
I get there and they fucking tell me that a proof of enrollment for the class won't get me anywhere - I have to have already completed the class to get a clearance for my license. How many FUCKING times have I dealt with this BULLSHIT?! Fucking state of Florida, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! I'm SO fucking sick of being told one thing, busting my ass to get it done, and then being slapped in the face anyway. They wouldn't do a fucking thing, even knowing my license was set for suspension TOMORROW, and I'm OBVIOUSLY doing everything they asked to avoid that. It's not my fucking FAULT that there isn't a class available for two weeks! What the fuck?! So I'm probably going right back to jail since my license is suspended tomorrow... I mean what the fuck am I supposed to do, I'm fucking COMMUTING from TAMPA to ORLANDO weekly - but I'm just supposed to "figure something out"?! How the FUCK do you expect me to pay your OUTRAGEOUS fines if I can't get to work?! This is unbelievable... I'm so fucking sick of this shit.
And come to find out, they RAISED the fucking reinstatement fee to get my license back, to $60! What the fuck is up with a "reinstatement" fee anyway, I mean you already have to pay hundreds of dollars just to get your license back, but then after you pay the fines which suspended your licence in the first place, then you have to pay more to have the DMV push a button and say your license is valid again?! SIXTY dollars?! This has come out to more than a fucking RENT payment, are you FUCKING kidding me?????
$150 for an incompetent lawyer
$300 in fines he was supposed to get REDUCED, not TRIPLED
$100 for some stupid fucking class that I won't learn from
$60 to reinstate my license...
$600 for a FUCKING TRAFFIC TICKET?! This is beyond absurd... FAR BEYOND. Fucking Obama, DO SOMETHING. This economy is the reason for this, the fucking government themselves have ordered stepped up traffic enforcement and raised fines to help aid their fucking deficit. GOOD GOD, who the FUCK can afford this BULLSHIT?!
If I get caught, and I will seeing how I just got pulled over just yesterday for doing absolutely nothing wrong, but just because my car had "blacked out tail lights" - I'm going right back to jail, and that will make two times now that I will be convicted of Driving While License Suspended. Three times and you get your license taken for five years... been there, done that. All for a fucking 60 in a 45 that was A HUNDRED SOME DOLLARS TO BEGIN WITH! No class, no suspensions... just a hundred fucking dollars. This is all thanks to my lawyer, who I should honestly ask my money back from. How the fuck can you come out of court with a penalty 10x worse than what you walked in with?!
Fuck you, seriously... I'll find a way around this just like everything else. You can make me pay thousands and thousands of dollars, and keep perpetually throwing me in the same classes over and over, but you'll never stop me. It's only money, and fortunately for me, I happen to have it. That's why I haven't fought a traffic ticket in years, I just have lawyers do it... guess it serves me right after all the shit I've gotten thrown out, that I finally get a hold up. But this won't happen again... have I mentioned that half the reason I got a bike was to fuck the state of Florida right back? I'm not stopping for any fucking cop on a bike - you can't even see our license plates unless you're three feet away from us, they're so small. It's so easy to get away from cops on bikes, and there's nothing they can do. Those lights come on, and all you'll see is my fucking middle finger. I have no idea how street bikes are legal...
I will figure something out. I'll take the hit on this, but this will not happen again. Where there are loopholes, I find them. I wouldn't have to forge government documents or hack databases if this state was FAIR - but no, they want to play this way... then we'll play right back.
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Ugh, I just tried to watch some of the Michael Jackson memorial on CNN on my lunch break and I couldn't even do it. My eyes just kept tearing up, it was so sad. There has never been a more powerful and influential artist... ever - and it's so disappointing and unfortunate that someone of this magnitude was only hated and ridiculed for the last ten years of his life, but once he's dead then it's like "Oh... we're... sorry for that." I mean he shouldn't of had to die in order for our gaze to be shifted back to his success and the things he's accomplished rather than what he was accused of but never convicted of. This man changed the world... the WORLD! Back when the economy was actually in good standing, you could give respect for that to yes, Bill Clinton - but also to people like Michael Jackson, who paved the way for that enormous boy band explosion we had, where people were spending money like crazy just to see these boys who ripped off all of Michael's moves.
Michael Jackson was superfuckinghuman. No one moved like that... no one! And we really haven't had any original moves since him, we're all just still following his steps. I guarantee you if he would have seen what just went down at the Staples Center today - the hundreds of thousands of people not only there in Los Angeles, but at the Neverland Ranch, at churches across the country, and all across the world in office buildings with their eyes glued to the TV watching his memorial service - I guarantee if he would have been able to see that, it would have changed his life. That man died thinking the world hated him and no longer supported him. And now look...
It really makes me smile every time I hear someone drive by blasting his music haha... that's so cute. I'll be putting out a video soon to his song Unbreakable...
Oh, and welcome back to Orlando, West - pulled over instantly, haha... I'm doing THIRTY miles an hour and get pulled over... "Uh, what exactly are you pulling me over for," I asked - He says "Well... you've got these blacked out tail lights and windows... I don't know who the heck you are, what you're doing, or if your brake lights even work!" I just rolled my eyes... that's the west side for you. I bet he was shocked to see me when I rolled down the window haha and not some... "thug." God I wonder how taking the bike out here is going to be...
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| Time: | 3:11 pm. |
| Mood: | mellow. | | Music: | senses fail - cute when you scream. |
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So... yeah, I'm not paying a $350 electric bill - that house is out of the question haha. It was beautiful but really too far away from Evan's job and that's not fair. We're going to look at another one tonight that's in a much better location though... 2 stories, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, pretty sweet... reminds me a lot of my house now:
It's just A LOT bigger - 2347 square feet! It has a lot more rooms than my house now, including two master bedrooms (one upstairs and one down, sweet!) and a Florida room...? What the heck is this?
Excessive, that's what it is haha... I only don't like the carpet in some rooms. Two bedrooms are hardwood and two are carpet... I hate carpet! But either way, I guess I can live with it as long as the electric bill isn't ridiculous. There two others we need to make time to view as well - one with a spiral staircase! :)
I miss my baby Djali so much... I got to bring him home this past weekend since I went back to Tampa, but for the most part he has to stay with my parents for now while I'm in transition. But he caught his first frisbee! My heart like... jumped, we've been working so hard at that! And he finally did it! But it's still just the beginning, he just caught it in the house... the final stage will be taking him outside and making him actually chase it. A yard is imperative wherever we live now... he needs it, and we need to practice! :)
The second I got back to Tampa, I immediately hear of all this bullshit Raquel has to say about me... I wonder if she knows who's actually listening when she speaks, and if I'm connected to them in any way... I'm glad she feels that way about me, I honestly am. Though I feel it's completely ludicrous of course, because she has absolutely no reason to think those things of me - but in any case, we needed to share this mutual hate for each other in order to move on... seriously. I'm tired of her coming back, I figured if I could make her hate me then we wouldn't keep perpetually going through this nonsense. She needs to just stay with this idiot she's with because he deserves someone like her. She's only with him because he's dumb enough for her... She's better off straight, because only guys are dumb and immature enough to not see through her. She'll never make it with any girl... ever.
But thankfully, there's no chance of ever seeing her again now that I'm finally gone. So unreal... how perfect it was when I moved out there for her... I mean I made sure I found a house close to hers, and lined everything up perfectly for us - And ME finding a house suitable for me is already a chore - let alone finding one close to hers, which wasn't easy because she kind of lived... well, in the ghetto and of course I refuse to live anywhere close to that. But I managed to find something so perfect regardless, managed to get a job out there with the snap of a finger, and managed to move my entire life seamlessly across the state to be with her... and what did she do in return? Tried to move to Lakeland, an hour away haha - just like she just did to her little boyfriend. What a fucking spineless coward, I swear... Things were set up to be perfect in Tampa... I was making more money there than I ever have before, and I signed up for classes for the nights she had band practice... I mean jesus, what more could I have possibly done to make it any more perfect? It's funny though... since her, I've had absolutely no desire to do anything like that for anyone again. I've become so a-sexual it's not even funny. Evan is pretty much my platonic boyfriend, I mean we do everything together and talk all night about the most amazing things that I could never talk about with anyone else... but as far as affection goes, I have absolutely no desire for it at all. I don't even feel affected by it, I just feel... empowered. Nothing hurts me, nothing affects me... I'm just living MY OWN life... for ME. And it feels great.
I think most of this though, is owed to meeting Evan. It's too fucking bad I'm gay because he's more than perfect for me. WE could dominate the fucking world, our intelligence together is astounding. The things I'm cloudy on, he's impeccable in and vice versa. We learn so much from each other, and it's really the most pure and intellectually stimulating relationship I've had in quite sometime. I kind of feel like if I never meet a girl like him, I'm never going to date again... because now that I HAVE met someone SO on my level, I'm never going to be able to look at people like... Raquel, for one, again and be so forgiving to flaws. Flaws are fine, we all have them - but I mean, I'd just been accepting of anything before because I honestly thought I was just one of a kind and would never find anyone who could honestly impress me. So with relationships like her and I's, I'd be so forgiving and constantly try to work with her and work through her problems, but... why the fuck should I have to? I am so done putting up with the bullshit just to save a relationship. I went though way too much for that girl - and now she wants to say I'm the mistake? Bitch... please. I've never made a bigger mistake than her, SHE didn't move her entire fucking life to the other side of the state for ME! SHE didn't get cheated on, SHE didn't live through horrifying experiences inflicted by ME... no babe, that was ME who suffered for an entire fucking year, but you know... whatever makes you feel better. Blame it all on me, I was such a horrible girlfriend to you... please. You were by far my WORST, and I gave you PLENTY of chances to outgrow that title, but all you ever did was re-win that title over and over and over and over and... need I go on? If I could erase you from my entire fucking existence, I would... but the least we can do is try to. Neither of us know a damn thing about the other anymore, not where we live, not where we work... soon I won't even be driving the same car because it's time to upgrade, so... our lives are completely different now - let's stay out of each others and keep it that way this time. God I fucking hate her... she seriously makes me sick. I left Tampa and did not even say goodbye...
All I know is, revenge is sweet when you know that you are worthless, and I am better than the games that you play, princess. I've played... and always win.
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...and this would be the house we're looking at and very likely to make a deposit on tonight - so Miami it's not even funny. :)
This is an upstairs studio with windows looking over the living room:
This is the view from up there:
And the rest is just excessive and wonderful haha...
 
 
How fucking awesome is this house? Two master bedrooms, BOTH with the jacuzzi tubs in them, huge closets, (a must!) TWO car garage for our cars and bikes, a big yard for Djali, and that deck out back is too cute with it's little italian vineyard thing going on... It's a little expensive... okay a lot expensive, but holy shit I LOVE this house! The palm trees surrounding it just make it perfect haha. So Florida... :)
So I'm merely just wasting time since I don't have a phone or computer yet to do my job haha... but I was really excited to show someone this house, so here you have it! ;)
Wish me luck, I'm freaking ecstatic!
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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Awww, Orlando! I got THE best welcome home ever; Why the fuck did I ever leave here? These are the same co-workers that took me out to Pointe Orlando for my last day in Orlando and had the restaurant/club announce my farewell over the speakers, etc... and I remember how sad it made me to have to leave such an awesome group of people - and then today, I walk in to my entire desk covered in black and yellow streamers (to match my car and bike haha) with little welcome back notes and big custom made posters... it was the sweetest fucking thing! Even just to know that like... what does Tiffany enjoy the most? Oh, her fast toys - let's really make her feel at home by decorating in those colors. I didn't even have to ask, when I saw the colors, I knew exactly what they were thinking - so sweet!!
That supid bitch of a VP in Tampa can keep trying to ruin my life, but I'm no longer her problem. I mean seriously - with a welcome like that, how can I REALLY be such the horrible person that she claims I am? Get this - SHE calls my new boss to tell him he really shouldn't hire me, and when she can't get anywhere, she calls the fucking CEO and has HIM call my new boss screaming about how I'm "unhireable," and not fit for the company, etc. This bitch VP took him out to dinner and told the CEO that I came to work dressed inappropriately for one - which... are you FUCKING kidding me?! I am the ONLY person who walks in DAY IN and DAY OUT in a fucking SUIT AND TIE! And no, not in the masculine way, my ties are always underneath my shirt so it's not even like she can say I was looking too androgynous or something (which, is that even a crime?) FUCK that statement, I am so appalled by that when SHE has walked in wearing a TANK TOP while I'M in a SUIT! Fuck her... I'm so pissed at the audacity there. But furthermore, she goes on to say that I really "showed her my ass" when I went around her and straight to HR to get the transfer back to Orlando - Uh, you're goddamn right I did, why the fuck would I include HER in ANY of my plans?? She was so infuriated at that alone, that I saw a company email sent out this morning about "protocol" and how we need to go to our managers first, then her, THEN HR if we have a problem... pfft, please. None of us TRUST YOU, that's why we go around you! Stupid bitch... you can't just walk in with such a heavy hand or NO ONE is going to respect you. Get a fucking clue...
I also distributed my students to people who I thought needed the numbers before I left, so that the bitch VP could not assign them to who SHE wanted to have them - yet another thing that pissed her off, haha. Fuck that, you don't control work I'VE done. And then of course the fact that I didn't tell her I was leaving, I just cleared my desk and wrote a two line email when I was gone, haha. I basically left in the most "fuck you" fashion ever, and it pissed he off so much that she tried to stop my transfer to Orlando. Too bad for her my new boss was like "Well, I worked with Tiffany before, and she did nothing but good work and everyone here at the campus is excited to have her back so... I'm taking her, it's already done." HAHA, fucking bitch - you thought you had a plan for me, didn't you? But you don't know who I am and what I'm capable of. Bitch, I get what I want. Always have, and no one can stop that... If you DID know what I was capable of, you would never have built such misguided judgment for me and would have known I'm a better fucking advisor than half of those fucking TEMPS you just brought in - or even your little manager you hired who answered the phone stating we were THE ART INSTITUTE! Come ON! But yet I'm the one you tried to fire... How do people like this make it into such high positions?? Funny how I was technically still on YOUR payroll as you stated that I was "unhireable." Hm, make a lot of sense...?
She had the audacity to say to me while putting me on that final write up "Tiffany I don't WANT to fire you, that's not what I'm tryig to do here," but yet - when I leave your office after signing your completely illigitimate write up, and start my transfer back to Orlando because I refuse to work under you now - you try to stop it? Hm... sounds like one big contradiction to me! She's just mad she doesn't have as much power as she thought...
God I hate her... I am SO happy to be back where I'm actually respected. They're even throwing a welcome home party for me tomorrow, I mean really... how sweet is that?! It's so obvious that it's not ME who brought this all upon myself - it was clearly HER just flat out not liking me for whatever reason and thinking she could ruin my life just because she's on a fucking power trip. I mean this isn't just a JOB to me, it's my entire future! And I've given this company TWO YEARS! How can it not be obvious that I was perfect before she came along? How can that not be obvious when my entire desk is lined in trophies and awards? Oh but yet I'm "not fit for the company..." Please. My reputation BEFORE YOU speaks for itself...so go back to hell where you came from. People like her make me sick... and it's people like her who are going to get what's coming to her. You don't fuck with people's lives like that unless you're waiting for your own to be changed as well...
Haha everyone in Tampa keeps texting me like "You have some balls - way to put her in her place, we're all cheering you on!" hahaha. Oh how I think I'll never be forgotten there now, haha... I just keep laughing at how much she never saw this coming. She just thought she had my life all planned out in her hands... and then I silently and secretly rearranged it all behind her back and there was nothing she could do about it. REVENGE, bitch, revenge! You don't just treat people like that... one of them will eventually stand up to you.
Tiffany 1, Bitch 0.
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Sometimes it takes a tragedy to change your life. Sometimes, you'll bring it upon your own self and not even realize it until it's too late. Once all the lies fall down, someone is bound to fall with them... and that someone is never the enemy; This is where the enemy avenges themselves. Read every tragic tale, it's all there...
Tragedies also usually entail a struggle of which one cannot fight themselves, and therefore someone else ends up in the picture - someone who truly has nothing to do with the situation at hand, but yet in the end, their undying need for attention ends up shifting all the weight on themselves. It never really has to come to this, but once it gets escalated to a certain point, this is where the "gloves" come off...
...or are put on, in this case.
Here we are, once again, caught in a lie to save face while simultaneously throwing away everything we've been working towards. It's illogical and absurd, but this is what happens when your own self esteem is attached to a lie. There is no explanation or reasoning behind actions taken, because all emotions have been shut off to service a lie, and it interferes with one's ability to feel. This is why they can think their love for you is strong enough to rebuild something, but then a lie can overtake all reason and all of a sudden everything is dropped just to service this lie. Doesn't matter how far you've come, the lie will always be more important to save, than yourself. Why is this?
It is not out of my sheer hate for him that I wanted him out of the picture if she were to rebuild on anything with me, it was because of her behavior patterns and how much it would have drained her to keep that up. It started to become clear to me that she wasn't even controlling her own behavior - it was triggered by stimuli around her, as she knew she'd have to make sacrifices in order to satisfy this vision that she had for us. Her actions were controlled by knowing she had to keep her behavior consistent with him, but couldn't keep up and therefore she had diluted herself in trying to satisfy us both. Stretched too thin, she only confused herself and showed me nothing but inconsistency as a result - this is precisely why I told her to make a choice. You could see it in her eyes - her feelings had been deadened; Her mind is never fully clear, her heart is so heavy, and therefore even in the deepest sleep, she's still awake. Caught up in a nightmare... but still very much awake. She can't even break free from her own condition because she follows such a broken model of logic. Something else is in control of her ego, motives, and desires in life - it's like an addiction and she's never been strong enough to overcome it. She'd rather live the lie than pull through it, that's how weak she is... So once I realized her "love" for me was not even strong enough to overcome these problems, it was then that I knew she didn't truly love me at all. She's only ever vested interest in the idea of me... she doesn't know what she wants because she doesn't know who she even is. Someone who can clearly admit to moving an hour away just to get away from a relationship she's not been happy with for a YEAR now, as she longs for something more like me (or rather, the idea of me) has serious issues. You're not even living your own life at that point, that's just pathetic. And you lose out on things you wanted and could have had... but blew it all on some careless lie. How does that make you feel?
Like you're not even a person... because you aren't.
You have no heart, your feelings have been deadened and you cannot even feel. That's why it's so easy to maintain a meaningless relationship for so long... there are no feelings invested. It's so obvious in her case. Because the last time I saw her, she was alive. Something inside of her came alive, and I don't think we even clung to each other for that long even when we were together... I see pictures of them, and the look in her eyes is nowhere near the same. Her body language speaks volumes in them, as his arms are always around her... but hers always fall flat beside her. Her posture never leans to his, and his eyes sparkle... but hers fall flat. I don't need to just go off of things she tells me to know she's so uninterested in him... but why constantly keep pursuing me and letting yourself come alive again, just to fuck it up intentionally and make me kill you off, once again? It's like she wanted a taste, to know she was in fact still capable of feeling, but would rather continue living a lie than become vulnerable to those feelings. So she lets me kill off one more piece of her every time instead of letting me fill her void... every time is worse than the last, and this time...
Well this time it's just gone too far.
At least when she lied to him about me, it didn't result in pointing .45's at each other, taunting the other to pull the trigger first. But her little cousin has decided she wants attention so bad that she's going to stand up and "defend" her, which... has come down to having nothing to do with her at all now, that's what's funny. She gives me her schedule and tells me where to meet her - I'm sorry, is this high school? You want me to meet you at the fucking playground at the sound of the bell? Bitch it ain't gonna be no bell you hear...
But you see... revenge is mutually self destructive. I was not after that... I seek knowledge and understanding with the same intensity that I seek revenge; The more I could understand her, the more my feelings could reach equilibrium. That is precisely why instead of waving guns around, I would hear her out. Every goddamn time she decided it was time to come walking back into my life, I was always there with an open ear. I never once turned her away, I always listened. And after she'd fuck me over, yet again after taking her hand, I never sought revenge. Because I loved her... a true and genuine love. But I myself knew we could never amount to much when I may have given her my hand... but it was always a fist. I could never fully forgive her for the horrible things she'd done.
But now her little bitch cousin wants to bring it out anyway? This had nothing to do with her, but yet she wants to start something up after I'd already walked away quietly? Gee, who's the drama now? So obsessed she just can't seem to keep her name off my phone... Girls are so insane after facing rejection. That's all this is about. If it weren't, there would have been no reason to childishly throw her "new girlfriend" out there, and how she's so much prettier than me, and going into the police academy, blah blah blah... HAHA, again, are we twelve? Aiming real high there, bring home that whole thirty grand a year from the police force, haha! I make twenty more than that and I don't even have a degree! What a dumb bitch... My IQ test immediately submitted me PAST the police force, PAST the FBI, and into the CIA as I've been secretly researching detective work as a backup plan if I never make it anywhere in film; I'll at least always have this intelligence to put to use. I mean, my television is only locked to one channel, and that's Crime TV; I solve complex murders before the verdict is even shown... for fun. Try me... I'm obsessed with the criminal mind. When Murder By The Book is the most fascinating show to someone, you really need to step back and re-evaluate who you're dealing with.
I think it's funny that I could never get into the police academy because of my record, but the CIA LOOKS for people with records like mine, haha. It shows a fearless and blatant disregard for authority, but the intelligence to avoid permanence. That's why you can read this entire website of nine years and counting, and read through years of police encounters ranging from drug use or sales, all the way to battery, but yet not find one conviction on my record. I know how to play the game little girl... and even after years of training, you could never amount to who I am. Because I was born with this gift... my parents actually gave a shit about me, and read to me as a child and built my vocabulary. It isn't this large because of college - I'm a film major! I was brought up in a power struggle that shaped me into who I am today. I never had sleepovers, I never had best friends... I had confinement to my room with nothing but time to outsmart some roadblock my parents had come up with now... They cut all the wires to the stereos in the house so I couldn't listen to music, and knowing nothing about wiring at all, I figured out how to splice them together and let the music play... they put a digital lock on the television so I couldn't watch that either... but of course I soon figured out how to bypass that code. They even put an alarm on the house so I couldn't sneak out... and through trial and error while they were away one day, I figured out how to re-wire only my bedroom window so that when opened, the alarm would not sound. Eventually it was all too much and they kicked me out for it all... once a child can outsmart you, you've got a problem. And I was theirs... a genius who only uses their gifted mind for evil intent.
So before you go telling me I'd only step to you with a "weapon," you should really think about that one... would I really harm you point blank with no alibi? Or would I make sure to make it look like something it wasn't, and elude all evidence that I was there? Or am I more deranged than even that, and make note of your children instead...? I wish your face was here to laugh in as you recited those words "I'm not one to fuck with..." because you clearly have no IDEA who YOU are fucking with... you're a poor little bitch who can barely support herself, living paycheck to paycheck, yet still dropping E instead of CLEANING YOURSELF UP for your CHILDREN. You're a fucking joke and going NOWHERE. I, on the other hand have made it farther than you ever will, and am not even close to the level of success I'm bound to achieve; Because I knew when to GROW UP.
So you can make your promises to me all day long of how you can't wait to see me, and you WILL see me... but I'd like to see you try. I'll be waiting, because I HAVE the money to put you in your place. Whatever you try, will be on camera no doubt about it. Try to attack my vehicles like a juvenile - they're parked under security cameras all day at work AND school. Try to come to my house, I fucking dare you... there's a camera on my FRONT DOOR bitch! Not that you'd get anywhere, I actually have the money to afford a HOUSE with a GARAGE, so all my shit's in there anyway. And of course we have alarm systems for the house, the car, fuck, even the stereo IN my car... you can't do shit, so quit barking up a tree you could never even climb, and don't ever doubt that .45 doesn't go with me wherever I go. So come find me, I can't wait. You're the one with two children to lose... maybe you should start thinking more about them than just yourself. This isn't only going to affect you. You need a fucking reality check... don't make me be the one to give it to you.
Her persistance of stupidity is remarkable...
I can't believe shit has gone this far over some bitch who couldn't keep her juvenile mouth shut. And mine is a beak...? HAHA whatever that means (you see how mature she is? that's all she can come up with??) is quite comical, seeing how I still get more girls than she does, haha and always will! I'm "disgustingly skinny," says the fat girl... oookay! I guess I should take it down a notch to a level that your dumb ass can understand, since I forgot I was dealing with a twelve year old:
You can keep dating all the bottom feeders little girl, at the bottom where your big ass sinks - I'll keep flying above you with my skinny beak in the air, catching all the beautiful women and throwing the rejects back down to you in your pool of low IQ's. Then eventually we'll flush you all out and rid the world of your incompetent kind so that the rest of us who actually have something to CONTRIBUTE to the world can get back to making a difference and DOING SOMETHING with our lives instead of wasting time making empty threats against people who have yet to even do any wrong. You're never going to amount to shit, you're fucking puerto rican! That's why all you're good for is running that mouth... I mean look at the things you attack - my physical appearance? Because that's all you've got! (and not even really, because everyone knows you wanted me and are just hurt now that you found out I always thought you were disgusting.) Look at where you live! Look at your "career"! Look at what you drive! Any of that compare to where I'm at in life and the things I'M doing? I didn't think so... so who the FUCK do you think you are, stepping to someone like ME?! Talk about a big bark for a little puppy... HAHA, bitch you will NEVER compare to me... I will ALWAYS tower over you no matter HOW small I am. Keep trying though... it's quite comical to read your elementary "cut-downs" hahaha...
But now that I've subjected myself to your level, maybe you'll actually understand the words coming out of my mouth - because all jokes aside, you're in over your head. Asking me my schedule? Telling me yours...? Come on now, I'm smarter than that and you will never see me coming - believe that! I don't work in the obvious ways that you do - remember, I'm actually educated. So the next time you decide to go drop E, I hope you kissed your kids goodbye... because I know where you do it, I know who you do it with, and with one authority figure in the right place at the right time, you will never see those kids again. It's time to grow up and start making wiser decisions. Fucking with me is not the best decision, please don't make me prove it.
[/rant.]
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Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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Ah yesterday was so necessary... I blew off everything and rode all day haha. It was the first day of class and everything... but I just wouldn't get up and face it. I had stayed at this girls house way too late the night before, when I knew I needed to be up by 7AM for class, so... needless to say when 7AM rolled around, my ass was not getting up haha. I rolled over at about 10 and grabbed my phone to text Lindsay... "Lets ride!" That's the only thing I'd get out of bed for, haha...
I like Lindsay because I can trust her with my things. It was basically a day of "Lets play with Tiffanys toys all day," so one of us would be on my bike, and the other would be behind it, driving my car. It was fun - it sucks for her because she learned how to drive stick, and how to ride a bike but yet doesn't have either - so it works out for both of us, I provide the toys to play with and she provides the company. :) I almost fell off the bike laughing when I decided I was going to use a sidewalk to turn the bike around, so I proceeded to go up a driveway, but too slow because I was trying to keep my exhaust down, and this resulted in me getting stuck in the rain gutter at the end of the driveway - and then I look over, and she's stuck in the same damn gutter three houses down trying to turn my car around HAHA... She has more experience with bikes and I'm more skilled with the car, so we both had to get out and switch as I fixed her mistake and she fixed mine haha.
So then I return back to work to some BULLSHIT today and uh... yeah, will not be working there much longer.
I knew I was going to be written up for not making my numbers again this month - that was inevitable. But you get THREE chances of rectification prior to you being fired; this gives you considerable time to improve, which is only fair. Well I walk in to the meeting of doom, where I know what's about to happen... but much to my surprise, this bitch pulls out a form that reads "FINAL Write Up" on the top. I immediately say "I don't think so, I've never been written up in my entire two years of working here, but just last month I was put on a VERBAL warning, but that's it - there's no way I'm already on my last step out the door. My boss comes up with some bullshit of "Actually, last month you didn't hit your budget, but I let you slide putting faith in you because you said you were going to make your start budget - and now look, you didn't make that, so now I'm entitled to put you on a final." And I'm just like "Uh... no, I was JUST put on a verbal LAST month already for not hitting my budget, so now that yes I did fail to hit my numbers again this month, I now move to a WRITTEN warning, not a final!" She tries to say I had coaching in between instead of a written warning, and still didn't improve, so that's what this is for, but... I'm sorry NO ONE gave me any "coaching," and if they fucking did, THAT'S where the written warning would have been given, leading up to legitimately giving me this final - but THIS is not legitimate! She's jumped an entire step just to push me that much closer out the door! I was fucking pissed, but searching for clarification because I honestly didn't understand, but wanted to - and this bitch just kept being completely condescending to me and only handing me a pen to sign this bullshit form. I'm like "Look, I've NEVER been written up until YOU came through this door, so PARDON ME if I don't understand the process, can you PLEASE CLARIFY!" and we like... literally got in a screaming match! At this point I'm even more pissed, because I look down at this paper she wants me to sign, and she already has my number of enrollments I've gotten written for this month - hello, the fucking month isn't over! I have five more fucking days to enroll, how the fuck are you going to put a number down that's not even correct yet?! That's complete bullshit.
I end up basically telling her I don't even want to hear anything else, that I'll see her in HR. So I make contact with the HR department and start an investigation - but in reality, if this bitch thinks she can talk to me in the condescending manner that she was... fuck that, I refuse to work under her whether I get my numbers up or not. So after contacting HR, I immediately start thinking of what the fuck I'm going to do... I make contact with The Art Institute of California, and then have to go into a meeting... I didn't know what it was about, but it would change absolutely everything...
It turns out, we're fucking rolling out a new program - a film program online! It's actually "Digital Media Production," which consists of film, web, graphics, audio, and basically any type of media. In reality, that can only make me even more marketable. If I can manage to finish at least the Associate level classes here, and get that A.S. degree before I leave (I only have four classes to complete it) then I'll be satisfied because I will have studied film itself at two different schools, got a degree in it, and then just enhanced that film emphasis for my Bachelors degree. So the first thing I did after that meeting was go to the Registrar and change some of my classes that just began this week. I looked up the last four classes I'd need to get the A.S. degree and was able to put myself in three of them. The last one I'd need is a portfolio class, the absolute last class of the degree, and I'll actually have a fucking degree to take from this place, showing something for all the fucking work I've put into this shit for the past year of my life that's now being completely wasted on some BULLSHIT... I fucking can't stand people who don't see bigger pictures. This isn't just my fucking JOB, you asshole... it's my fucking future, why would you take that from me?!
So anyway, I set myself up to at least take a degree with me when I go, and call the Orlando campus. My old co-worker tells me that the boss is out, but to write him an email... so I do, telling him that I heard some great news, that I can now finish my degree online and would love nothing more than to move back to Orlando where I fucking belong anyway. I NEVER should have come out here... fuck you, Raquel... fuck you. So anyway, he must have read the email on his BlackBerry and immediately responded with "GIve me a number!" So I do, and he calls me a couple hours later... I tell him of all the bullshit this new regime brought in, and how I literally heard my new fucking BOSS call one of my students saying "Hi, this is Jill from the Art Institute." WHAT?! Oh my fucking god! THE biggest fail, EVER!! But hey, that's what happens when you let the new bitch of a VP hire all her fucking friends for managers and these bitches have ZERO experience in the education field. It's such bullshit, these motherfuckers didn't even know what a FAFSA was! And they're suited for management of a COLLEGE?! Get the fuck out of here... that school is going downhill, and fast. So I tell him all of this, and he's just like... "So, you wanna come back to your hometown?" and I was like "Yes, PLEASE get me back to Orlando, I've hated Tampa from day one!" and he said that he's already seen what I'm capable of, and would love to have me back! When he said the words "Let's make it happen," I like... was so ecstatic. That's the biggest hurdle, and we just got over it in one phone call! He's going to call the HR dept in the morning to find out what the process is for bringing me back, and we're going to go from there!
ORLANDO, I'M COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That changed my entire fucking mood, I came right home and hopped on the bike for a joyride, haha. I rode around waiting for Evan to get off work, and then called him. He's been trying to move out of Daytona and into Orlando for a couple months now, so I could not WAIT to tell him! There is no one, absolutely no one that I'd rather live with... I mean, this is all working out so much better than I anticipated. We're the same fucking person - if I were straight, we'd be married right now, no fucking question about it. He's so fucking smart, into EVERYTHING that I am, actually GOING SOMEWHERE in life, makes more money than even I do... I mean this is going to fucking be... so sweet. We're going to have THE nicest house, because I will finally live with someone who makes the kind of money I do, so we can afford to drop two grand on some five bedroom estate just because we can, haha. Two car garage cause we both have carbon fiber hoods and rims on our cars, plus we'd both have bikes - a bedroom just for our instruments, another for our elaborate computer set ups, and possibly a 5th bedroom for my photography studio - but we may just set all that up with the computers since it's really just a giant green screen and some lights that are pretty compact when not in use. A backyard for Djali excites me so much! And of course everything I looked at still has my jacuzzi haha since I don't want to live without one now, but that all have pools, too. Cook outs every Sunday!
I'm actually really excited to be able to do my Bachelors online - this will give me so, so much more time. I mean right now I live at school. I'm never home for my puppy, my friends... nothing. My roommate now never even sees me. I'll actually get to come home for dinner now, actually start COOKING and eating better... when you're at work then school from 9AM to 11PM every weekday, you kind of don't have time to eat, let alone eat right... but this is just... fucking news I've been wishing for but never saw feasible. Five hours sitting in class after an eight hour work day is so taxing... and with this online program, they send you a camera to do your projects with, not to mention the entire Adobe CS4 creative suite (I still have CS3) AND Final Cut Pro! I'm still on Final Cut 5, so it will be awesome to get the upgrades. The ONLY problem I see with this program is that they require all students who want this program to have a Mac. Hm, I enroll hundreds of students into our online degrees and I'd say maybe... three of them had a Mac. I see this being a huge problem and why the program may fail. I see why it's necessary - I mean for one, Final Cut ONLY runs on Macs, but... these kids can't afford two thousand dollar computers! Come on now... but we'll see. Maybe I can get through it before it fails and they discontinue it, haha.
Man I can't wait to get out of here... away from Raquel once and for all, away from her stupid fucking cousin who is about to get me in a world of trouble if she doesn't shut her fucking mouth and keep her name off my phone. This bitch is something else... just wait until that entry, haha... I'm sure it's next. It keeps building because she doesn't know when to stop running her juvenile mouth... little hoodrat, haha... oh do I have a plan for her!
I'll see you soon, Orlando. :)
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Girl stunters are so hot. I can't wait to fucking learn... but I have to learn to RIDE before I can stunt - and that part is taking forever. I'm basically on a waiting list to take my evaluation again so I can get my license - but fuck it, I'm taking my bike out anyway just in the neighborhood before I lose all my mechanical skills I just learned. Ryan rode it last night and almost did a wheelie on accident, haha - Evan and I actually did do one on accident while riding around town - since my bike is a V-twin, it's got a lot of torque. It's a little heavier than 600's, but still can wheelie way too easy haha. That's the first thing I'll learn, and I'm sure by accident! I think it's funny how we try to make our bikes look so pretty, but yet stomp the gas tanks in intentionally for stunting purposes, only making the bike look trashed haha. All I do all day is watch stunting videos - I've become obsessed. It looks SO fun, but I... better make sure I still have medical coverage when I start haha.
Still don't know what's going on with the job... People have been getting fired in pairs; my friend Darren (John McCain in my video) just got let go Friday. Ugh... I haven't heard back from that other position I applied for within the company, but I think I'm going to just wear a suit on Monday, take all my piercings out and go introduce myself. I need to know what's going on, and soon. Because if nothing works out with IADT, I am leaving Tampa, no question about it.
I have a couple of choices... I could see if I can go back to IADT Orlando for work, and make my life hell commuting to school in Tampa a few days a week and live in Kissimmee or something - or I could just work somewhere else all together and pay for the rest of my degree. But uh... when I added that up, it's going to cost me $40k to finish. Fuck that. If I were a normal person contemplating college, and it was $40k, I just wouldn't go. That's more than both cars and both bikes in my driveway combined!
So ultimately I think I may be moving. Um... out of Florida. Across... the country.
Yes, it's my dream to do an internship in London - and maybe I'll still get that - but after that was probably going to be a move to California so I could get a job. So I've been researching every film school I could find across the country, and - I figure if I'm just going to end up in California anyway, why not just finish my degree out there and make some contacts for that year instead of moving out there for a job with no contacts? It's a better idea all together because there are more film schools there, too. My point is to get a job at one so I can finish my degree for free, just like I have been doing...
So after lots of research, I think I like the Art Institutes program the most. It's just as diverse as IADT's - see, with schools like Full Sail, they like to concentrate too much on cinematography, when really, I want to be a writer... an editor... maybe director of photography; I'm not looking to work the cameras or set up lighting. So I need a degree program that focuses on everything, not just cameras. I think I found that at the Art Institute - plus they're one of the only schools that will take IADT's credits so I'm limited in my choices with that as well. I've looked into their Los Angeles campus, and they are in fact hiring admissions advisors right now. I'd have to wait six months before they will let me take classes for free, but I'd probably need that six months to get settled anyway.
Obviously this is A LOT to think about and take on, but I know if I have to, I can do it. I will conveniently be getting thousands of dollars on the last day of this month for financial aid that I was supposed to be putting away for London, but... if shit goes down, it's going to be my emergency money to keep my dreams in motion and not let anything come between them. I don't care what I have to do, if this job ends, it will not go down like it did at Full Sail. I will not lose everything, I will not end up at Pizza Hut; I have started something that I refuse to let slip away from me, so whatever I have to do to finish it will be done. It's only going to take me longer now to finish the damn degree, but... at least I WILL finish it.
Ultimately, I would of course like to stay at IADT. If I can get this other position, I will be set and everything I had planned can still remain the same. But there's just no telling. It's a position in Career Services - which is something I did at Full Sail. I've got experience, I'm already in the door and have been working for the company for a little less than two years now, and have a good recommendation from the HR department, so... I don't see why I don't have a really good shot at this - it just bothers me that it's been a week and no call. Maybe they're just slow but... I'm paranoid. This is mine, I've got this - the only thing anyone could have over me is a degree, but... mine is clearly in progress, AT the school as well, so there's just another reason I'm most suited for this position. Plus I WANT it - I'm fucking tired of luring kids in to $80k degrees that they'll never get financed for, and ME taking the fall for it. I get credit for talking them into applying, but when they can't get financial aid and have to cancel their enrollment - that's when I get written up for not making my numbers. It's not my fucking FAULT that all our lenders have pulled out! I'm SICK of stressing over this shit, this is exactly what I'll be fired for - not because of anything I ever did wrong. But that's sales for you... and I don't want it. I'd rather work with graduates, not prospects. I'd rather be bugging you all day with a job to offer than asking you to pay me $50 for your goddamn application. I'm sick of chasing kids around all day, and that's exactly what I do anymore. If I could just get this job, I could be sleeping again... but if I don't, I'll soon be fired and have to go do the same goddamn thing at some other school, and really I don't WANT to do admissions anymore, but if I can't get into Career Services, I'll be forced to stay an admissions advisor somewhere to finish school, because that's where my experience is. I hate it...
So before I start looking into California and flights and houses and all that bullshit, I'm REALLY going to try and stay at IADT... but if I can't, I'm pretty sure I'll end up across the country. It just makes a lot of sense to be there, it really does. It will literally force me to finish this screenplay since I won't know a soul to distract me, and will be an even better place to present it once it's finished anyhow.
God, speaking of... I CANNOT get anything accomplished with it! It's like I book I can't put down - I'm not getting anything done, because instead of piecing it together, I just keep reading page to page and getting so engulfed in it. Just last night alone, I spent my entire night just reading the entire year-long chapter of my life with Jessica. Every time I start reading, I can't stop. I am only pulled away from the screen because my eyes start to cross. For me, someone who fucking LIVED this story, to be so engulfed and intrigued in something I've already "seen"... that's a really good sign at least. I know this thing will go somewhere, it has so much potential. And of course a lot of it will be enhanced, but it really doesn't even need to be! That's the one thing I'm scared of... is offending the people in my life once they see their characters on screen. Some of them I will purposely make worse than they really were, but a lot of it will be my own perception of people, and I fear that it will easily be misconstrued into something ugly. But really, the most fun will come in building my enemies characters. There's no better form of revenge than showing the entire WORLD who you really are. So all these lies... they will soon be put to rest; and you who tried to make ME look like the fool will soon taste your own regret, as the "fool" will have the last laugh.
Raquel, my dear... all your lies are going to come back to haunt you. You've now turned not one, but two people against me in your sea of lies - when will it end? You can't just keep lying to the world, you've got everybody fooled! Once you're exposed, YOU'RE going to be the one to drown in MY lost pain. I know so many things I've kept quiet with... but last week was the last straw. Now you've turned your cousin against me with your lies, not that I care about her, I just care that you're still lying ABOUT ME to save yourself. If anything, it's better for me so she'll quit trying to fuck me. This girl obsessively tried with me, but oh now that you've filled her head with lies, she all of a sudden thinks she's going to threaten me? HAHAHA, that little bitch... let her try. "I'm not one to be fucked with," PLEASE - do you know ME?! I just let the texts come in... five pages long of how I'm not known for anything honest (HAHA, because she KNOWS me at all!) how I'M nothing but drama, I'M asking for trouble, I'M childish and want attention (?!) and she's warning me for MY benefit? HAHAHA. And then to go as low as saying "Didn't you just get out of jail and are going back - aiming real high!" You know... it took all of my will power to not rip her apart the way I so could have...
Isn't SHE the "hairdresser" who wanted to grow her cut into MINE?!
Isn't SHE the "hairdresser" who didn't even know what BUMBLE & BUMBLE was?!
Isn't SHE the single mother of two bastard children?!
Need I go lower...? This bitch wanted to flaunt her "career" in my face as if she's going somewhere and I'm not because I've just been to jail, but... hello sweetheart, you're not shit. If you were a REAL hairdresser, you'd have a BETTER haircut than mine, not want mine - isn't that your job? To have the cut above? And you wouldn't ask ME what Bumble & Bumble was! Um hi, the industry standard for hair products??? Fucking idiot... I went to jail for something I didn't do, and will NOT be going back because this will be proven - YOU, however, DID fuck up YOUR life by fucking irresponsibly, so who the fuck are you to step to ME?! Let her do it when she sees me out... give me a REAL reason to be in jail... little bitch.
Anyway... (see what I deal with?) First she lied to her little "boyfriend" about me, so he tried to step to me with his cavalier driving, in the ghetto living, bicycle riding thirty-two year old self (get a REAL bike... or even car, for that matter) and now she's got her cousin on me. Both for bullshit SHE KNOWS she said, but in order to service her own lies, she throws me under the bus to save herself. Twice now... some love huh? I didn't even respond, because it wasn't worth my time and I don't involve myself in pointless drama. These people are so beneath me - and I know that's so fucked up to say, but it should really open my eyes to who SHE is though... one of them, so why the fuck do I even try? If they're below me, so is she. I really need to wake up. She's NEVER going to change, and for her to even think these people could hurt me with their daggers... makes me realize she never even knew me. You'd think she'd warn them of my capabilities before letting them open their mouths and make a fool of themselves... but then again, she does only care about herself...
I told her for the last time to stay the fuck out of my life and stop coming back.
To keep subjecting myself to her is only putting me on her level.
And I'm not sorry to say, I've always been above that... :-/
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Holy shit...
I have finally started going through all of these entries one by one from back in 2001 in order to put it all together and finally get my screenplay in production, and... wow... just wow. I had to stop reading...
My teenage life was SO much worse than even I myself remember. I was out of control, oh my fucking god... every other fucking entry is "so I woke up to the cops banging my door down... so the cops broke up our party again... I tried to go home, but the cops were already there.... the cops searched my car again... I woke up to detectives carrying weed plants out of my house..." I knew I had a lot of trouble with cops before, but holy shit... I never remembered it all happening so frequently. And through just about all of 2001, I wrote about a party EVERY night; All of which were always at my house. Every person that ever commented were all my friends always so concerned with my drug use... it seemed like I was the only one who never knew how bad it had really gotten. Even to this day, I mean... I know I did a lot of drugs but holy SHIT I was out of control! Every entry was about ecstasy, cocaine, or meth. And then as I progressed into entries from 2002, it progressed into a lot of speed. The way I lived my life then was completely absurd; I cannot even IMAGINE living like that, and I don't even need to, I did it! I never knew I was that bad... ever. I mean when I look back on it all now, I would just always think "Yeah I went a little crazy when I got kicked out," but wow... I never remembered it all to this extent! I'm reading about things I have completely forgotten. I am like... in a daze right now, I am truly shocked.
To be my parents, and reading some of that shit... (they were, I just didn't know it) I mean what the fuck? I could barely go back through that myself, I cannot even imagine the things they must have thought. I mean I was someone else completely. There were over ten near death experiences just in reading through 2001 alone. All having to do with reckless driving, drinking and driving A LOT, and drugs. I forgot about bailing roommates out of jail, I MYSELF got bailed out of jail, and so much bloodshed all over the house we lived in because both me and my roommate Josh tried to kill ourselves so many times... In that one year alone, I watched one girlfriend OD right in front of me, and another slip into a coma after a car accident involving alcohol; Both hanging onto their lives, barely making it. I mean... jesus christ - how we're all still alive is beyond me. It was like our only goal in life was to push the boundaries of death on a daily basis, we didn't care about a thing except where to find drugs - which, according to this thing was never hard at all. It's hard to imagine drugs that hard being so readily available all the time. And ecstasy being $20 a hit! This is shit you see on TV and say "Man, those kids are all going to die..." How there was never any intervention is beyond me. I guess I was too far gone to save. I NEVER knew it was this bad... never. My entire teenage life was a haze, I haven't even made it to my 20th birthday yet and the things I've read shock even myself.
...and I held a relationship with Rachel at that time?? What the... No fucking wonder I myself actually started getting annoyed with every entry about being depressed over this and that and her... I mean jesus christ! How the fuck did she put up with me, period?? Why did she even like me? Reading about Jillian is just fucking insane, too. She always loved me more than I loved her... and I don't think I ever remembered that I was the one who left her. Which, is crazy - I always remembered loving her infinitely... but evidently one day I didn't anymore - and she kept trying to keep us together, but I let her go... slowly. Wow - that's not how I thought it ended at all. I went back to Erik and left her to Dave... I DO NOT remember that. And evidently Erik and I really had a good thing for awhile there... until I cheated on him again with some other girl from First Data. For as much as I remember him fucking me over, I sure fucked him, too I see... It amazes me how much of my own life I don't remember; But then again after reading about every drug I consumed on a daily basis, it's not really a mystery as to why...
I know that Jessica comes next, and I can't wait to read about that! (insert sarcasm.) It will be interesting to read on years later about some of the people that were present from day one in 2001. Like I know Rachel is re-introduced later after I move to Orlando, and it's a completely different relationship. I know Sandra and Cheryce are consistent throughout the entire thing, but change dynamically as well. I found Lisa's first words to me ever, in June of 2002, haha weird! I don't think I remembered she stumbled across my journal before actually meeting me! And Mel changes very drastically through this, too. Ryan's evolution is funny as well, just considering that after everything I just read, we end up together making more money than anyone, in the most professional of jobs, in this pimp fucking house holding our street bikes and "pimped out" cars, haha... who the FUCK could have seen this coming?! Never in a million years would I have thought we could pull ourselves up THIS much to the point we're at today. I mean if I saw a snapshot of my life today and everything I have when I was living in that trailer nicknamed the "drug haven," I would have bet my life that I'd never amount to this. I can't even believe it right now!
And now I'm just COMPLETELY perplexed at where to even fucking start. From 2001 - 2009 is WAY too much time to fit into one screenplay, so should I write a book?? I planned on probably starting it in like 2005 and leaving out everything before it, but it's really necessary in terms of character building. I was thinking of maybe making myself at eighteen a whole different character in the same screenplay, a sister-like character to the older me, where I wanted to focus most of the screenplay on - but that might get complicated, especially with the people that have been around since day one - I can't introduce them as a friend of eighteen year old Tiffany, who is a whole different character, because most of them except maybe one play an even bigger part in my life right now, and would need to be present in my present-life character. Even as a sitcom, I think it's still too long. Damn, where to start, where to start...
Maybe I'll write a book first, and then build the sitcom off of only the second half?
The first half of my life is far more interesting in my opinion, just because I think it would shock the hell out of people - but the second half of my life is the part that would sell more. But the point is the struggle, the point is the entire beginning and end to it, and how I overcame it all... so you see how the first extremely shocking part of my life is important. Ugh... all I know is I'm completely embarrassed of my cool little lingo I used to type in, haha. I think there's even an IM conversation with Christina in there making fun of me for it - if it does go to print, it's being written all over in proper form, haha. No way will I ever admit to typing like that HAHA...
I don't know... I need to figure it out soon though. I'm itching to get this thing going. I've already figured out how I want to close off most of the characters, I'm only not sure of the definitive ending yet, since... obviously I have to make one up since my life isn't exactly over yet, heh...
Oh but how close I've come... this specific entry made my stomach drop... :(
http://statikmystre.livejournal.com/2002/05/21/
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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Every time I try to write... there is nothing left to say. How absurd for a person of my stature to be left speechless, but... nonetheless, she has managed to once again take my breath away...
Never in a good way.
I'll get it out eventually... forgiveness is such an obscure line to walk. As I said before, many of my "enemies" have all seemed to come back around after finding out about the sentence I'm facing. It doesn't seem like they are just trying to get the low down either, they are all genuinely concerned with what's going to happen to me. And Heather, I have not given the time of day to. She keeps texting, but what she did on that day just pissed me off beyond belief and I haven't been able to speak to her since. But today I finally spoke up. She asked if I was mad at her, and I said "You tell me... should I be?" She says she doesn't think so... and it just went from there. I told her how disappointed I was in how she handled the situation, that I felt like she just left me to fucking prison and left my entire house to be stolen while I was in there... she literally cried and told me it wasn't right to treat her this way when she really did do everything she could, and told me her version of the story. We talked it out and chalked it up to me never being able to rely on her... I told her it wasn't her fault that I went to jail, but it was surely her fault for leaving my house open all day. If she didn't want to stop at nothing to get me out of there, fine; I had other friends that did. But the friendship is tarnished, and there's nothing either of us can do about it now...
I don't know if I've written in here yet about Shannon, and how she's been talking to me again now due to all of this, but... I still don't know what to do with that one. I've been civil, but have made no effort to rekindle a friendship.
So much shit went down yesterday with Raquel and her stupid fucking cousin (remember, the one that kept trying to get with me, but never had a chance?) that I texted my friend Lindsay, the only person I really seem to care for anymore in this ridiculous city, and told her we had to get out... that I only have a week of freedom from school anymore, since they cut our breaks from two weeks now to one - and I have all of today free. So we take a road trip to Daytona and spend all day at the beach... actually riding waves - wow, how nice that was. We end up getting surrounded by a lot of little girls who were all trying to catch the same waves we were, it was really cute haha. But inevitably I'd always seem to almost hit one when they'd be on shore and I'd ride in. All the parents were of course around, so the last thing I wanted to do was run one over. I had to brake with my palms on the ocean floor and go face first into the ground so many times just to avoid hitting someone, it was terrible haha. And every time, I'D be the one getting up going "Are you okay?" haha... So we kept trying to get away from the kids, but they kept seeing us catching all the waves and wanted to be where we were. One of the times I rode in to shore, and a little girl was there screaming "How do you catch EVERY one?!" I just smiled and said it takes practice, and she told me she thought her board was just too small. So I took the strap from mine off my wrist and offered it to her. "Here," I said, "Why don't you try mine?" This huge smile washes over her face as she says "Really??" I watch her run back into the ocean with it and catch the first wave she sees, haha. Worked perfectly!
As she rides in to shore, Lindsay runs up to me and clenches my arm screaming "There's a FUCKING shark dude!" I look out, and sure enough, there's about a 6-8 foot shadow looming under the water VERY close to shore. I pull the little girl in and tell her not to go back out there, and I see this thing swimming right towards a group of people in the water as I'm trying to determine what exactly it is. I scream "Get out of the water!" but they don't hear me. The thing gets closer and closer and then I can clearly see it catch their eye. They all just froze in terror and didn't move. I watched it swim RIGHT by them, I mean... within a foot! And as it gets past them, that's when we see a fin come up out of the water... it was definitely a shark. The little girls Mom comes over to us and asks what's going on. I tell her, and she says "Yeah okay, I think you're done for the day Miss" as Lindsay says she is, too haha. She tells us that the little girl is actually very hard of hearing, almost to the point of deaf, and thanked us for looking after her. I was just like "Wow, I had no idea... I offered her my board and everything - I thought she could hear me the whole time!" and that's when her Mom was like "Yeah we got this board at a garage sale and it really hurts her stomach." So I show her my board and tell her she needed to get one of this material, and it would stop the chaffing. We talk for a minute more, and she tells us they're from Orlando, and actually invites us back to their pool since we could no longer swim at the beach now haha. We decline, but thanked her for the offer.
Looking back, I should have just given that girl my board. I bet it would have made her day, and probably Mom's too. I could tell her Mom really loved her and wanted to give her everything she could. It's just that my board is a clear advertisement for alcohol, as it's a Corona Surf board, and I didn't think that would have been appropriate, but... I still should have maybe at least tried. I mean I've had it forever, I really like it but... what's it to me when it could make someone else's day who doesn't have one and has never had one? I've had plenty and can always get more... I really should have given it to her.
As we went back to my car, these girls sitting by it all started talking to me about it and how well done it was. Pretty cool, girls are never the ones to comment, it's always guys if anything. But I guess I'm just always shocked at how approachable I am to other people. The Mom wasn't the first parent I talked to that day, I actually almost ran right over a kid building a sand castle on the shore, and he didn't even see me coming! That particular wave was a fast one, so I saw myself coming up on him fast and just grabbed the ocean floor with my left hand to turn myself away from him and ended up right beside him, haha. His Dad came running up like "Son, you gotta get out of the way!" I got up and put my hand on his back, asking him if he was okay as he just kind of looked up at me not even realizing what just happened. His Dad just smiled and looked down at him like "You didn't even see her coming!" I looked at him and said "I'm so sorry!" and of course he said no problem, that his son didn't even notice, heh. But it's just so weird that back when I lived in Daytona, all I got were angry stares and funny looks - no one talked to me like that at all... and now in my opinion I look even worse because now I'm all tattooed up, have both sleeves done and piercings all in my face... but it's the complete opposite. What makes me so approachable now...?
Even furthermore, Lindsay and I leave there and go have lunch at Hooters (her choice, I hate that place) and our waitress comes out and like... pulls up a stool and sits with us on numerous occasions! Just bullshitting about this or that... so random. And it's not like she didn't know we were gay, and she was obviously straight so it wasn't even like THAT, it was just... weird. But I guess it's not like that hasn't happened before... again, I just don't see why I'm so approachable like that. Of course it's not a bad thing, I just want to know how it's so apparent to anyone else in this world, yet the one person I want to find me approachable, finds me anything but. And that person is my new boss. I just don't get it... All I want is for her to like me, but she just won't give me the time of day. It's so frustrating, I'm such a good person and she'll never see that. She sees what she wants to see. Not me... :(
Holy crap, Djali just heard Ryan come home before he even opened the front door. He just jumped off my bed and started charging down the stairs. Scared the shit out of me, but then I just heard the front door. Man he's getting good at that! I'm definitely going to DNA test him and find out what he truly is and then probably always have that seem breed of dog my whole life. I mean you can't teach a dog this shit, it's obviously just bred into them and I think it's awesome. He's a perfect guard dog, I do not feel scared of anything when he's around. <3
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How the fuck can you love someone SO much, and still want to throw them off a fucking cliff?!
Just die already, Raquel. Please do us both the favor.
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...and sometimes, you just have to look up to the heavens above and release the loudest string of obscenities you've ever let escape from your lips; Middle fingers optional.
My life is falling apart. I have NEVER tried SO fucking hard at something and only perpetually regressed in my endeavor. My job is more than in jeopardy now, it's fucking gone. It's over... my life, my education I've worked so hard at... here we go again... back to nothing.
I had taken a vacation day today to take my motorcycle class - but after being thrown in jail last Sunday which resulted in a no call no show on top of all this other bullshit that's been going on, I made a serious commitment to myself to NOT let anything put this job in jeopardy, as it was starting to look VERY familiar of how I left Full Sail, so - I actually email my new boss and tell her "Look, I know I took a vacation day Sunday, but my class does end at 12:30 so I would like to come in right after so that I do not miss another Sunday." She agrees and I feel better that I'm showing effort on my part...
But I swear to fucking god, this job was meant to end. Everything happens for a reason, and when it's meant to happen, there's nothing you can do to stop it no matter how hard you try. Because I made that effort to come in on a vacation day to help save my job, but as fate would have it, I blew a fucking tire trying to get there and never made it. I'm stranded somewhere, I have no idea where I'm at, and I'm trying desperately to call the school, but as it's a Sunday there is no operator to get me to my department. And my boss is new, so she does not have an extension yet. What the FUCK was I supposed to do? Out of desperation, I call that one bitch who I'm supposed to report to anyway, but remember, all she ever does it try to frame me - but I call her anyway and it goes straight to voicemail three times. There was nothing I could do...
I manage to figure out where I'm at, get the tire changed and get back on the road. I actually pass the school on my way home, so I stop in just to show my boss I wasn't fucking with her, nor trying to pull another no call no show. I mean, my hands were black all the way up to my elbows, I was sweating like a fucking pig, and there was dirt even on my face, I looked horrendous. I need to stop driving all these "bad ass toys" that I can't even control because I'm obviously too small to handle a lot of the things involving these cars, and it always puts me in these positions. I mean with those rims, it's not easy to change a tire. You need a lugnut key, which even STANDING on that jack for me would not loosen those lugnuts. I didn't have the strength to even get them loose to change the tire. Luckily after quite some time, a security guard of some sort stopped to help me. Otherwise, I don't know what I would have done...
And that's not even all - how about, I blow this tire as I'm on my way back from my motorcycle class in Clearwater - that I failed! FUCK. MY. LIFE! Fail my class, blow a tire, then miss work for the second Sunday in a row... what the FUCK?! WHY is my life SO SHITTY right now?! Could there BE anything else that could fucking go wrong?! No license, no job, facing a year and can't afford a lawyer now if I don't have a job... sick dog, blown tire, can't just take the bike cause I didn't get my license... what the fuck... am I supposed to do? If I'm about to lose my job, how can I afford a new $200 tire, a vet bill, a lawyer, a car payment PLUS a bike payment now - oh and the new semester starts next week, I'm going to need books, too. FUCK!
I'm not pissed about failing the class. I do not feel comfortable on a bike after only a 15 hour class, so I do not blame them. That shit is HARD. And... I wasn't the only one who failed. Actually, every girl in there failed - one of them actually immediately failed because she dropped the bike. That's an automatic fail no matter what. And I know for a fact I fucked up because of that... she was right in front of me, and I was set to go next. We were being evaluated on stopping quickly, and you were supposed to stop right after your front tire reached the first cone. Well, as we were doing this exercise earlier, I actually grabbed the brake so hard that I locked up my front tire which is the worst thing you can do, and exactly why we were learning this exercise - you do that shit on MY bike, and you're going over the handlebars. So anyway, I did end up doing that, but I saved it. The bike never fell, I was able to catch everything. But then this girl right in front of me goes, does the same exact thing, only she drops her bike. The whole class had to stop, and it was a pretty big deal. So... I mean, right after all that - who was set to go next? Me. What the fuck do you think I was thinking the whole time, haha? So, nervous as hell, I go for it, and... I actually "anticipated the stop" before I was supposed to. I guess I decelerated right before the stop, and got 15 points for it. You're only allowed to get up to 20 points - anything after that is failing. So... something that simple made me fail. My other points occurred in the one fucking thing I could not get ALL day - the U-turn. That shit is scary! You're in a box that you have to do a figure 8 in... HA! Yeah right... The absolute HARDEST thing about a bike is that you MUST look in the direction you want the bike to go. Where you're looking is where the bike is going to go - so if you look down... guess where you're going? So in a U-turn, you have to look aaall the way around you and look "through the turn" to the other side just to make the bike do that... and I just couldn't do it. ALL my turns were way too wide... so, I don't really feel it was a bad decision to not give me my license. I mean, it was kind of ridiculous that it was really only due to the stopping thing, but still... it's kind of scary to think that if I did that right, I'd have a license to drive something I can't even really turn with. That stopping fast though... wow. Every limb of your body is used, it's crazy! Your right hand is grabbing the brake as your right foot presses the back brake, and your left hand is grabbing the clutch while your right foot shifts down to first gear, then immediately braces the stop. It's a lot! NOTHING like stopping fast in a car - shit I just throw my car in neutral and slam on the brake - all right side reflexes! I just... cannot get over how hard it really is to drive a bike. I never thought it would be this hard, ever. I guess because my grandparents rode, and that to me made it seem simple. But then again these are the same grandparents that own a Saleen, so... haha. They've always been more extreme than me, even in their old age! ;)
I don't have to take the whole class again, just the evaluation... but really, I think I'm going to take the entire third day over again because I know I could use the practice. It's five hours of straight riding, with the last hour being your evaluation, so... I think I could use that. At least I don't have to pay for it... but I'm pissed that I DO still need to replace my front brake lever that I snapped before I can even use my own bike, so... that's just even MORE money I need to come up with, that is only stressing me out more since it's looking like I'll only have a job for a few more weeks...
...What do I have to do? To make this all fucking stop, what the FUCK do I have to do?
The alignment of the planets is clearly producing an energy that is destroying my own. Thats what happens when you get these massive strings of bad luck, and where the term "when it rains, it pours" comes from. You can't change fate... no matter how hard I've been trying, something is supposed to end for me. But this time... I'll never know why. This is my life... my dream! I thought I lost a lot before, but it will be nowhere near what I'm about to lose now... Nowhere near what I have to lose now...
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Saturday, June 13th, 2009
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Okay, learning how to ride a motorcycle... NOTHING like driving a car! Everyone always said "Since you've driven sticks your whole life, you'll catch on quick!" but I see no resemblance, haha. I guess maybe because I understand a clutch and what it does, but I mean... the shift pattern isn't even the same on a bike! That class is insane... I guess I never realized how extreme riding a bike is - it just looks so simple! But alas, it is nowhere near that... my hand hurts like hell from that clutch, and I absolutely hated shifting on those bikes, haha. But I know my bike is nothing like the ones we were learning on - mine is practically brand new, not even broken in yet, so I know it won't be such a bitch for me... but you really have to be a certain caliber of person to make yourself learn such a thing... it's intense!
I don't feel like my brain can possibly retain any more knowledge. Between taking all this in, being in the middle of finals, learning the law inside and out to beat my case, and studying and reading up on attorneys, I feel like I haven't had one second to breathe lately. My brain is on overload and I just want to go to sleep... and stay asleep. I have one more class on the actual range tomorrow at 7AM to get my license and then I'm done. Thank fucking god, haha... we spent four hours in the morning on the range (on the bikes) and then four hours in the classroom. They should probably do that reversed since we were so fucking exhausted from being in the sun all morning forced to wear long sleeves and boots. Oh well, it's almost over. I passed my written final, and now I just have to be evaluated on my riding and I'm good to go. I just want to ride already!
Raquel swears once again that she's leaving him for me. This is perpetual ridiculousness. She did, however, finally tell me that all the bullshit has been because she has this looming fear that once she does make her change, it will all be in vain because she fears I'm merely just trying to prove a point and will watch her struggle just because I can. hah... she knows me well! I really am that evil! Haha... and not that it's not a thought in my mind - but really it's more in spite of him, haha. For what he did... he'll get his. But as far as her and I, whoa... I just... can't even wrap my head around that one.
Man I am so exhausted I can't even think... so much for trying to keep up with myself through this thing...
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Thursday, June 11th, 2009
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Finding a good lawyer is the most tedious, just... annoying thing. I found out today that my arraignment is on the 27th, and I have a female judge. Since I am the first girl in history to be charged with this charge, I had been wondering if I should play the female card - and I figured I'd make that decision once I knew the gender of the judge. But now I'm just confused... I have narrowed my search of HUNDREDS of lawyers down to two males and two females that I liked; So I could potentially put all females on my side, speaking to a female judge... but I don't know, there's just something so much more powerful about a male voice vs. a females... The males being significantly more expensive says something to me, too. This is really going to cost me either way though...
And when it rains it pours, so I have been forced to apply for another job today. This stupid fucking bitch of a VP HATES me for whatever fucking reason, and me going to jail only gave her more fuel for her fire. She like... looks for ammunition, it's bullshit. I took a personal call today from a lawyer on my work line, and she fucking said something about it to someone else. Fuck her, man... EVERYONE takes personal calls, it's clearly stated that we're ALLOWED to as long as it's not excessive. And then I was told that after a meeting we had yesterday, she didn't like the way I spoke to her and made some big scene after I left the room. "Is she always that soft spoken?!" Since when the fuck is that a bad thing?! You're sitting here having a meeting with me about my numbers being low, what the fuck, am I supposed to be HAPPY about it?! Then she wants my projection on how many students I'm going to start this term, and I honestly say it's hard to tell since a lot of my students were having trouble getting financial aid, and I didn't want to just fill her head with some unrealistic number, so... I said "I'm really not sure, but I always hit my budget so... all I can do is keep trying." I wasn't giving fucking excuses, I wasn't giving her false numbers - I was being honest! And she fucking made a big deal about it! I've fucking had it... this is de ja FUCKING vu of Full Sail ALL over again, same EXACT scenario. I'm not just your fucking NUMBER, I just had something VERY serious happen to me, I'm sitting here facing a YEAR in jail for something I didn't even fucking do, and you expect my mind to not be everywhere else?! She doesn't give a fuck that people have lives and catastrophic things going on in them, no - you're a mere number to her and if you're not producing, you're out the door. I am so enraged right now at how she treats me, and I don't want to work under her. Not at all. Our last VP was so hands off because that's how it's SUPPOSED to be. If she steps the fuck back, I'd consider staying... but I'm not fucking sitting around waiting for the axe. I know it's coming, I feel it in my heart. And on top of everything else right now, this just takes the breath right out of me...
So I applied for another position with a significant pay cut. :( God PLEASE let this work out... I'm more than qualified and think I have a really good shot... I just don't know what all the other applicants bring to the table, unfortunately. It's still at the school so that I can keep my free tuition... it took a long time to talk myself into that pay cut, but... I know in my heart it's the right thing to do right now. Though it may be rolling the dice, I just... know my current position isn't going to work out. Not with her. No fucking way... This all makes me so fucking sad.
I started my motorcycle class today and wasn't even excited. I'm so fucking pissed that that's been taken away from me. I can't be excited about anything... I mean, I just went to jail, I'm losing my job, I'm in the middle of FINALS in between all this, Djali is really sick but I have no money to take him anywhere because all my money got tied up in bailing myself out, I still OWE money to the bail, and will soon owe thousands to a lawyer... what the fuck am I going to do?? I was such a fucking mess last night that I never even set an alarm to wake up this morning... I'm just... out of it. This is all so surreal. But it's happened before... I've watched it all fall; And now that I can clearly see it coming this time... it almost feels worse because I have no idea how to stop it...
Been quite some time since I've felt this depressed...
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Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
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Going to jail brings back all your old enemies... Now that I'm out, even all my enemies are trying to find out if I'm alright. Human nature is very strange...
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First time driving my own bike... went smoothly until I made one critical mistake that sent me to the concrete, haha. What was even funnier, was the fact that I wasn't upset that I was laying on the concrete next to my bike - but the fact that as I turned my head, all I saw was the brand new brake lever that we JUST put back on after the first one I snapped, laying on the ground beside me... snapped off, once again. Fuck! It hadn't even been on for two hours!
So I scraped up my skin on my right arm, and then got right up and went into the tattoo shop where I spent four hours under the needle. Seriously... could you handle all that, haha? I definitely think I'm cut out for this stunting business for sure... I think I'm more "hardcore" than even I thought, haha...
And now I'm facing the possibility of selling the bike anyway, after all that, just to pay for a six thousand dollar lawyer because I spent the weekend in jail. Yes, again.
I'm going to write this all out here, so that I do not have to tell the story one more time...
I was on my way to work at 10AM. As I left my house, my gas light was already on - I knew I would just stop at the first gas station I saw on my way to work... so as I'm sitting at a red light, I spot a Citgo on my right. I am in the middle lane, and a white Honda Accord was on my right. As the light turned green, I jumped on the gas to get ahead of him so that I could turn right into the Citgo - this fucker thought I was playing with him, so his dumb ass IN AN ACCORD (please!) jumps on his gas, too. So I accelerate more just to get him out of the way, but he insists on blocking me in doing so - so I only get up to about 60mph (in a 45) and say fuck it then, I'll get behind your dumb ass, and I do... I hit my brakes and jump behind him, then make my right into the Citgo.
I'm already out of my car, hand on the gas pump, when a police car flies up behind me as the officer immediately jumps out of his car and yells "Get back in the vehicle!" I just look back at him with an "are you kidding me?" face and simply just say "...No." I do, however, lean into the car to get my license and everything out for him. I start throwing the shit on the roof of my car, and he approaches me saying "You got a DRIVERS LICENSE on you?!" and I just looked back up at him and said "...now what the fuck does it look like I'm doing?? - HERE!" I hand him everything and he instructs me once again to have a seat in my car. I tell him no, that he didn't even pull me over, my keys aren't even in the ignition, so fuck off. I told him "I'm going to pump my gas while you run my license, if that's okay with YOU." He says "I'm only going to tell you this one more time..." and I turn around and just say "Look..." and before I could even finish my sentence, he throws me up against my car, pulls my hands behind my back and cuffs me.
I just laugh in his face as he drags me back to his car. He rips the hat off my head (and I KNOW this next series of abuse was a direct result of me wearing a red bandana under that hat) and says "Where's the drugs?!" I reply "Are you FUCKING kidding me, I JUST told you I was on my way to work!" He throws me in the back of his car and says "Whatever I find back there is yours." I got right the fuck out of that backseat and said "You son of a bitch, you better show me there's NOTHING already there before you go throwing me back there then! I know my rights!" He does so and then throws me back in there. I watch as he tears my car up from top to bottom, and four more police cars show, including a female officer who pulls me out of the car to thoroughly search my body for drugs. I tell her to watch it because I just spent four hours under the needle getting a sleeve done on my arm a mere hours before this, and she tells me "You ain't all that" and proceeds to talk down to me as all I've done is told her I've got a fresh tattoo she needs to be careful with. She gets done with me and puts me back in the car, and I can see the look of dismay on Officer Fung's (Yes, that's really his name) face because she didn't find any drugs either. He gets back into the car as I just look up into his rearview and smugly ask "Find what you was lookin' for...?"
After an hour of searching, these fucking idiots give up and decide "Well, if we can't get her on a drug charge, we may as well take her in for racing." And the officer does just that... oh, and added a charge of "resisting arrest" on there for me, too just so it'd be harder to bail out. He has the audacity once we get there, to ask me if I knew the guy in the Honda Accord. Without even looking up, I just shake my head and mutter "fuck you" as the doors open and he shoves me inside. I'm greeted by two female officers who instruct me to start taking out all my piercings. As I'm doing so, the officer on my right asks "How old are you?" I do not reply, so she asks again, I just reply "I'm sure you'll figure it out." The officer on my left replies "We don't care," as I look up only to look at her directly and say "Then don't ask." Hello, am I right? If you don't fucking "care," then why'd you ask?? She replies "You know what, your attitude is not going to be tolerated in here, you keep it up and I'll throw you in a holding cell for as long as I want, and in there you won't get your phone call, you won't get...." and I cut her off just to say "I know the drill, this isn't my first rodeo." She then says "That's nothing to be proud of," and I just said "Didn't say I was proud, you just don't need to waste your breath." and that's when she says "That's it, she's going in the cell."
All the male officers around me start talking with my arresting officer... "Man, what is her charge??" the cop relies "street racing" and I hear someone else say "HAHA who was she racing - you?!" and this fucking cop goes "Please, I have a V8 come on..." I hear someone else say "Yeah and I bet she was driving some four cylinder beater right?" The officer replies "It was a little Hyundai Tiburon" and everyone starts laughing saying "Yup, some little four cylinder!" as I don't even open my mouth to correct them, it wasn't worth it - stupid fucking traffic cops don't even know cars?? Wow... They insist on taunting me further exclaiming "Did it have those pipes on it - I head that makes 'em faster!" as he then says "Oooh and the stickers - those make 'em faster, too!" I wonder if they knew I owned a fucking bike if this would have continued... fucking idiots. I will NEVER stop for them on the bike, and there's nothing they can do about it. Come on with your badass V8, show me how your car is so much cooler... my god.
So as they decide I'm taking too long getting my piercings out (what the fuck, there were eight of them to get out!) this officer takes a pair of PLIERS to my FACE! The once again, ignores my request to be gentle with my open flesh on my left arm, as she feels me up, once again before throwing me in a holding cell for hours before they even let me fucking get processed. You can't bail out until you're processed - so these motherfuckers made sure to take their damn time. They got me out of there and made sure my process was delayed. My bail posted around 4PM, and I did not get out of there until fucking eleven. Every single person who tried to call in and get information on me was put on hold, hung up on, or both - and to make matters even worse, no one could find any information on me at all, because this incompetent officer could not even read my name right, and booked me under a completely different last name. What the fuck!? No one could help me, I had to basically send smoke signals through a bail bondsman to even get the word out that I was in jail.
To make matters even worse, as if that were even possible after spending almost fifteen hours in jail, the bondsman told us my bail was $2500. After I got out and checked my own public record, I see that each charge was only $500! My ENTIRE bail only came out to $1000! WHAT?! Of course he's out of the office for the night, but I will surely raise hell in the morning and find out where the fuck he gets off taking me for more than I'm worth...
The police report says he pulled me over "At the corner of........" clearly not stating that it was actually AT a gas station, and that I was already out of my car - no, he writes "Upon being pulled over, she stepped out of her vehicle." LIES! And then he does not even have me on radar - he writes "both vehicles accelerated up to about 75-80mph." Idiot, I have a bent rim right now, that's actually impossible. The car would shake out of control.
Now I'm reading every line I can on this relatively new offense called "street racing" or "racing on a highway" that has just been introduced in 2002, and looks like it was actually taken back on account of being "unconstitutional." Before then "racing on highway" was a civil infraction. "Since it has become a criminal offense, law enforcement has gone from rarely citing people for the civil infraction to over-zealously citing and arresting people for the criminal offense," one article says. The maximum penalties for a first offense racing ticket are one year in jail and a $1,000.00 fine. Your car can be impounded at your expense; A second offense within 5 years, and you car is forfeited to the state, and any amount still owed on the car will still be obligated to you to pay. (WHAT. THE. FUCK?!)
Oh, it gets even better,,,
So, as I'm first arrested, the officer doesn't know I have a phone in my pocket. I'm only able to send one text before he catches me and takes it away as I only got in more trouble for the rage that ensued. But anyway - I couldn't send it to Ryan, because I knew he was at work and could do nothing - instead I send it to my friend Heather, who I actually left sleeping in my bed that morning as I left for work. I've been letting her stay at my house because she doesn't have a job right now and I've been helping her get back on her feet, willing to do whatever it takes. So this girl is the ONLY person who knows I'm in jail at this point, and what the fuck does she do? She calls Ryan at noon to tell him, but he doesn't answer. She doesn't even send a text, just gives up! And the next part gets even better...
Knowing she is the ONLY person who knows I'm in jail right now, she does nothing to look me up, nothing to get the word out - no, what does she do? She spends the day at Adventure Island! Even better, she LEAVES MY GARAGE DOOR OPEN ALL DAY WHILE SHE'S THERE! Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! There are TWO bikes in there, one that was more expensive than a CAR, ALL our stuff, and not to mention two doors that lead right into the house! We could have been completely wiped out! Imagine getting out of jail and coming home to THAT! Ryan ends up calling her back at 4, and she says "Tiffany's in jail and I had to leave the garage door open..." he's automatically like "WHAT?! What the FUCK are you doing at a theme park while the girl who's helping YOU out is now helpless and needs YOUR help, and why the FUCK would you leave out shit wide open to steal while you were there?!!!!" All she could say was "Tiffany already knew I was going there today, and she knows I don't have the money to bail her out..." NO SHIT! You're not staying with me because you're making money! And yes I did know, but if it were the other way around, there's no way in hell I'd be living it up at some theme park while ANY friend of mine was stuck in jail and I was the only one that knew! I am so infuriated with her, it's out of control. She hasn't been back here, and I don't give a fuck what she has here, she can fuck off.
Ryan hangs up on her, and has to call a friend to come over and watch out house until he can get off work... I mean, how fucking ridiculous? Then they spend all night trying to look me up and call the jail to get information on me, which as I said before was nothing but a fiasco since they didn't even have my name right and were NOT friendly. They hung up on him several times. He finally is told that my bail had already been posted, so he gives up just waits up all night for me to get home... I felt so bad, he had to be up at 4:30.
I'm so fucking enraged right now at all of this that I don't even know how to contain it. My dreams have all turned violent, and I kind of fear my impulses. Of course I will be fighting this in court, but if it does not go my way, I will get a year sentence. I can't even think about this anymore...
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Ugh... I feel like shit. I'm completely drained and hate everything right now - no good.
I've been staying up until all hours of the night to get projects done, pounding energy drinks all day the next day to make up for it, and then feeling like shit every morning from it. I'm sure the whole not eating plays a part there as well... it's not that I don't want to - I simply don't have time to.
There are points like this in my advancement in this film program that really make me question myself and my abilities. When you are me... and there is no way to say this and not sound completely pretentious, but people expect more out of me. It's extremely taxing when nothing you do can be sub par, it's always got to be above and beyond or it's unacceptable. For instance - this documentary I've been making for Red Hydrant Rescue - Completely perfect, nice pictures, nice flow, and everything else... but I forgot one small fucking thing, which happens to be the most important - to turn up the audio levels. What I found when I got back to Tampa after shooting in Orlando, was complete garbage for audio. Imagine the look on my face as every expression just fades into such disappointment. We clean the audio as much as we can, getting out all the noise overshadowing the vocals, and turn it in yesterday... The instructor flat out refuses to accept it; Tells me I need to re-shoot or he'll have no choice but to give me a zero. Horrified, I exclaim that this is completely ridiculous, that it was obvious I put a lot of work into the piece and it clearly showed - and though I understand that yes, in the real world, it would be complete garbage all because of one technical difficulty - I get it - but... this isn't the real fucking world yet, if this WERE my job, I'd have no problem re-shooting... but I do have a fill time job on top of this, not to mention other projects I needed to finish. Also, who the fuck said my family had time for a re-shoot, you know? They're actually going to TN to see my brother! After I realized I was losing this fight, I gave up and just kept quiet while proceeding to view other students' work...
What I saw was absolutely absurd. The documentary that followed mine was completely dark for like the first three minutes of the film! There was no lighting set up, and all you cold really hear were voices. NONE of the shots throughout the entire piece were shot from a tripod, it was all hand held and VERY shaky. The story was hard to follow, didn't make any sense, and had a lot of continuity problems. And of course the instructor pointed all of these things out, but did not tell her she was getting a zero! I mean, COME ON! Here you have dark shots (GARBAGE), shaky images (GARBAGE), and really no story (GARBAGE!) None of that shit you'd be able to use in any real world, NONE OF IT! At least mine was lit correctly, I made beautiful pictures, everything was shot from a tripod, I had moving shots that were smooth, and my story was very easy to follow. I mean, hell - she didn't even have any cutaways!! Cutaways are when you're shooting an interview, and you hear the narrative the entire time, but you're not always just looking at the interview - you cut away to different scenes of what they're talking about. So I had my Mom and Sister on the couch talking about the dog they rescued with mange, and while she's talking about him having no hair, etc. I cut away to moving stills of how the dog looked before treatment... when they talked about chain link and concrete that the dogs are sheltered in, I made sure to insert shots I'd taken at a shelter, showing this - when they talked about how all the adopted dogs got to interact with their personal dogs while being fostered, I showed them all in the backyard playing... I mean, I provided visuals for everything they were saying, made sure all the shots looked perfect... I'm serious when I make a comparison of YouTube home video vs. like Batman Begins... Night and fucking day is what these projects were, but yet I get a zero for my clear immense amount of effort - and the YouTube video gets points for what looked fucking effortless. I was infuriated.
Once everyone else left the room, my instructor told me... that the project was actually really good. Had more potential than obviously any others he'd seen, and it was a beautiful picture with an amazing story line. He was just really disappointed that this would not be able to be submitted anywhere due to my one tiny technical problem that obviously can ruin a perfect project. And I get it - lesson learned. I will never in my life make that mistake again, and I definitely learned the hard way, like we do A LOT in this industry. But to give me absolutely no credit is just out of line. It's a slap in the face truly. But I was let in on a little secret of just who I am, and how I'm perceived by the outside world... Evidently people see potential in me - far beyond the majority of students who come in and out of that school. Instructors can spot "gold" when they see it, and they all know I've got it. So when I turn in such a gorgeous film with such a significant error - though it's only one throughout the entire piece, it's a substantial one. And any other student could have gotten away with it because that's all they're capable of producing - but they all know I can do better, and they're pushing me... pushing me to 100% and I... would love to give that to them, if I had it to give. It is clearly evident throughout my work, when I was loaded with work and when I was not. When I actually have the time to put into these projects, they are very intricate and amazing. Just look at my title sequence... it beat every single other students' in the class, it looks really good. But shortly after that class when when they got significantly more demanding, and I've just lost that ability to be so intricate.
So the instructor and I sat down and pulled the audio through yet another program that did help bring a lot of the noise out. I disabled the entire project, cleaned the audio once again, and put it all back together and that's what I turned in. We'll see what he says, but at least that program helped a lot and got the audio to a bearable level. I don't have high hopes of the grade I'll receive, but as long as it's not a zero, I can stop banging my head against a wall asking myself if this is truly my calling... because shit like this is just SO discouraging... yet inevitably unavoidable. Shit happens. More in this industry than any other... I just cannot imagine doing anything else - when I think of my life, I DO NOT see a desk, I do not see corporate America, and I do not see working my way up through some company to be something of importance to some suit that won't even know my name. When I look at the hiring process we just went through to re-establish our management at IADT, I hear the stories of "I came from here..." and... just... god, ew! THAT is your life?! It's more than half over, and you're excited to be HERE?! As some MANAGER?! What a boring fucking life... Congratulations, you... really "made it." I don't see this as forever, and I know it emanates. Probably why I feel I'm being forced out. Long story, DRAMA, snakes and all the rest... fucking people trying to let on like they're looking out for my best interests when really only trying to frame me. I see right fucking through you.
Which brings me to my next subject of underestimation. Why do people do it with me? I am subhuman, not normal. What I see as normal, you all will see as ethereal. I can spot things no one ever could, especially lies and falsities. My mind is fifty million times more complex than a normal individual could ever imagine, and it's rare than anything can get by me. #1 reason my relationships fail. So when I see you putting on a front and then going behind my back... I will find the sources necessary to not only find you out, but also put you in your fucking place. So this bitch at work that I'm supposed to be reporting to, seriously puts up this front like she really does like me... talks me up and everything! Yet I hear some shit she's done in secrecy, asking extremely suggesting and inappropriate questions about me behind closed doors. Now I don't know if she's trying to get me back for the last time I put her in her place (which resulted in a trip to HR for her) or what, but she is definitely scheming something. Things are just not adding up. So I've done my research, found out what was said... and I watch her actions closer than she thinks. If she thinks I don't know she's literally stalking me, just WAITING for one wrong move, she's beyond mistaken. I am so much fucking smarter than I even let on, and am way too underestimated. In doing my research, she was following me - she thought undetected, but I fucking knew her game. Watching my every move, following me... I mean, this is serious stalking, I'm not even kidding. But I didn't let on like I knew... my number one mask is oblivion; it's a secret that if used correctly can be a weapon of sorts. So I acted completely oblivious to her following, and made sure that immediately after I returned to my desk (where she conveniently sits RIGHT NEXT to me now,) I immediately found a student I knew would talk to me for a little while, and called them up. This girl was still outside because she followed me out, where I was interrogating someone, but didn't catch me in time; she actually passed me going down the stairs as I was going up. So as soon as I got back to my desk, I knew she'd be not too far behind me, so I got on the phone and talked to one of my students for awhile, making myself completely unavailable for questioning. I can play this game better than anyone... but low and behold, not two minutes after I hung up, she nonchalantly asks "So what's up tC?" and I just reply sheepishly "Trying to get an enrollment..." and she just replies "I ain't talking about the enrollments girl, I don't care about those..." Funny, isn't that your job? To care about what I'm bringing in? I just replied "Well I am," and got right back on the phone.
So after my interrogations, I'd finally gotten the story straight of what's been said, specifically by her, about me. And I'm not talking some bullshit gossip that I'm going way too far out of my way for, no I'm talking this girl is trying to frame me into losing my job, pulling DRUGS into the picture that I 100% do not even do. It's offensive, and will not tolerate it. So now that I'd found her out, it was now time to find the resources to put her in her place. Remember, that's step two. So I did a little thinking... a little analyzing, and looked into the small things I knew about her. I decided to do some research into her past through public means, and guess what I found! Fucking BITCH! This ... fucking girl... has been arrested more than I have. And GUESS for what?! Fucking MARIJUANA! ONE of the arrests were made while she was an employee of IADT! Hm, isn't that means for termination?? She wants to fucking play hard ball, well bring it the FUCK ON. God, I even thought this was going to be harder than it turned out to be, but I sure got my resources! So if she wants to keep fucking with me... you know, I've already beaten her at this game once as it almost cost her the job - and if she wants to test me again, I'll make sure there IS no almost this time. She'll be gone, and I'll laugh my ass all the way to the fucking bank where I'll still be getting MY money... bitch.
I have thought about building some sort of alliance with her just to keep my ass out of the line of fire, as I know many things she'd like to know, and vice versa - since people know me as real, so they trust me; and she has the authority I want to get into to know what's really going on. But you know, I really can't trust her. It would be a perfect plan, except that she's a snake and would probably turn on me. So we're stuck as enemies and having to play this power struggle, which... she seems to think she's got the upper hand in just because she's got one step above me in this company, but...she can find out just how wrong she is if she really wants to...
This is all so stupid and wasteful in terms of energy and effort, when all I want to do is go into work and do my fucking job. I'm good at it when left alone - when shit like this is bothering the fuck out of me, this is when I suck because my attitude completely changes. I don't know what to do... I want to request to get off her team, but I know I'd have to provide an explanation, and... you know, that would just be even more bad vibes between the two of us, because now the mask of oblivion will fall and she'll see me for who I really am - someone who fucking hates her and won't tolerate her antics - which, I think could make my working conditions even worse. So it's a catch 22, completely. I just have to bear it... until shit goes down, and then I'll be forced to use the weapon I unveiled.
And this is all just a fraction of where my exhaustion begins... I mean, to live a day in my life... honestly, not many people could cut it. I'm so drained... of just everything. My mind works 10x as hard as the average individual, so this type of shit just puts me out. And this whole roommate situation... for the love of fucking god, I'm about to break. Last night... I've been at school all fucking day long - 9AM to 10PM... I come home to find cars in the driveway blocking my entrance to the garage. "Great," I think - not so much that someone needs to come move their car, but really just because my house is my sanctuary. I want it quiet, and always. But yes, it did annoy me that I'd have to now actually speak to whoever this was, to get them to move their car... I mean, all I wanted to do was run straight upstairs and not even pay any attention to whoever was in my house. So once this person finally does, I drive into the garage, try to open my door and bang it on these fucking motorcycle stands Ryan had put against the wall. How many FUCKING times do I have to tell someone NOT to put ANYTHING on the left side of the garage?! I can't FUCKING get out when you do that shit! And this especially pissed me off, because I'd now potentially dented my car on account of this negligence on his part. It's common fucking sense, we have a ONE CAR garage that we fit one car and two bikes in... it's tight, there's not room for any bullshit left out and he knows it. So I immediately just get irritated and tell him he needs to move them. He comes out and asks me where and I tell him I don't fucking care, put them back where they were BEFORE I left for school this morning. He's tells me they were too close to his bike before, and that's why he moved them. I told him where he put them was completely unacceptable, and they needed to go back where they were. He didn't fucking do a thing... so, I just said, so "you want me to fucking leave them here behind my car??" because at that point, I'd at least gotten them away from my door, and he just says "trust me, you could run over those things and it probably wouldn't hurt them." "Ryan that's not the POINT," I exclaim, as I just pick one up and say "Fine, you're not doing anything with them, looks like they'll fit right here in the fucking trash," and all he says is "don't put them in there, that's disgusting..." but still doesn't make one effort to move his shit. He just goes back inside. I didn't want to make a scene in front of his friends... I just went inside, only to discover that A. All my beer in the fucking fridge was gone, B. It's fucking FREEZING, as the AC is once again on 60, and C. My fucking dog was left outside. He ALWAYS does that, just throws him outside and leaves him out there. THAT upsets me more than anything, you don't fucking do that, he's a living fucking creature. I was so enraged... SO enraged last night. So much that I was about to have a serious talk with him about him moving out. Because all of these things are things he knows I don't want to live with.. KNOWS it. And now that he has this fucking girlfriend, she's over here three and four days straight every week and I will NOT be having that for very long. She cooks... and EVERY time I go downstairs, the faucet is leaking. You have to turn it a certain way, and I just feel like telling Ryan "if you're going to have bitches stay at our house, teach them how to use the fucking faucets!" And I mean the shit leaks all night, I don't discover it until the morning. Not to mention I have to hear them fucking all night every night, I mean... for fuck's sake man... we're goddamn ADULTS at this point in our lives, have some fucking RESPECT. We both have nice things, make good money, pay all the bills on time... it's a very responsible situation - so why all this little bullshit is attached, is beyond me. But I can't take it. I refuse to live with a couple, I just won't. It ruins friendships, and you know it's bad when you begin to not even care anymore that it could lead to that. I've had it... I'm giving myself a few days to get over it and maybe have one final talk with him, but... seriously, he KNOWS if you don't buy it, DON'T EAT IT, he KNOWS I hate living in a fucking igloo, he knows that everything he's doing is wrong but he he doesn't care.
I don't know if I'll be getting another roommate or taking the hit and dropping a grand all on my own again, but... there's a lot of options to weigh. At least our bills are on time, that's more than I can say for a lot of potential people that would come take his place.... and really the most important, so... ugh. I don't know. The only person I would feel 100% content with living with is Evan. He understands me better than anyone fucking else, so he would know my signs and my attitudes and what they mean. He would basically know how to handle me... but I don't think he'd have to do much of it, because he actually respects me, and my things. So I'd probably default to living on my own again, because he still lives all the way in Daytona and I'd never ask him to leave his job for anything. That kid banks. And he's got school there, too. Ugh, I don't want to pay for it... but I just might. And soon. :-/
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Haha…
I dropped the bike the first day I had it – awesome start! I wasn’t riding it or anything, it was actually the best possible scenario, as I dropped it in my garage so it didn’t even get all scratched up or anything – I did, however, snap the brake lever right in half though, haha. So now I have to buy a new lever and a lowering link to lower that damn thing and make it easier to handle. All I was doing was trying to back it up (which is the hardest thing to do) and it leaned a little too far to the right and there was no way I could save 400 pounds… I turned my head, I couldn’t even watch it fall haha. The thing that has me most upset though is the fact that I gave it my all and tried numerous times to pick that thing up, and it just wasn’t happening. I had to wait until Ryan got home to get it off the ground. He says we’re going to lay it down together and he’s going to teach me the “right way” to do it, but… you know, Evan taught me the “right way,” which obviously wasn’t working for me… but the way Ryan is explaining it, is a whole different way so… I’m willing to try. It’s just really discouraging to know I own this machine that I can’t even handle on my own. :-/ If I have to start working out, I will – there’s nothing I hate more than feeling helpless, and if I drop this bike again (which I will) that’s exactly how I’ll feel.
You know life sucks when you’re too busy to even enjoy your new toy anyway… I mean, fuck – I bought the thing two weeks ago and still haven’t even ridden it. I’m too busy to go get my license! I just cannot seem to fit it in anywhere, considering it’s a 15 hour course! I was going to finally try to fit it in this weekend, but I have a tattoo appointment to finish up my sleeve, so that kind of ruins that plan… ugh. I just want to play! Haha… On top of all that bullshit, I ALSO have a 12 hour court ordered driving school I have to attend as well before the 8th… and this is final projects week… followed by finals week… ugh, fuck me. I have been dying to go to Daytona Beach to go surf where there’s actually waves and the water is the perfect temperature right now, but no… I can’t even find a fucking day to get over there.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I really don’t. Every single person I know looks at me and says “I don’t know how you do it, I sure as hell couldn’t!” and I look at myself and think “I’m really not built for this either!” I hate that I get texts every week from my car club about where the meet is that week, and I can never go… that I can never even simply go have dinner with a friend when they ask… that I’m too burnt out from being at IADT for 15 hours a day to even go hang out at a friends house after I’m finally done… all I ever have time to do is come home to sleep, and whatever extra time I have at the house, I owe to my puppy and take him on a walk or out somewhere since he’s been alone all day. I made the decision to buy the bike now though, because it’s summer time and the perfect time for it. And at least I can make time to enjoy that because as much as it’s extra-curricular, it can also get me to all these places my time is demanded at, so it’s not like a new toy that will just sit at home because I have no time to play with it – I can at least play with it to get me where I need to be.
I can say that owning a bike is waaay more expensive than getting your first car, damn!
Motorcycle license: $250
DOT approved helmet: $400
Leather Jacket: $300
Leather Gloves $35
Frame Sliders: $80
…and the list goes on. I didn’t think things like gloves or even a leather jacket was necessary, until I put one on. It’s not just for fashion at all, haha… they’re actually made to be slid across concrete, heh. And god that throttle hurts your hands… you definitely do need gloves. And boots, and everything else… Why can’t I just hop on in a wife beater and converse, haha? UPS just delivered my lowering link as I was writing this, so yay! This weekend after we lower it, I'll finally ride it. I can reach the ground right now, just on my toes. Some people ride like that, but I'd rather try and have more control with my legs. They're most of what holds that thing up when I do sit on it, so I need as much leverage as possible...
Djali has such springy legs that I decided to get him a frisbee. I'm going to train him to actually be a frisbee catching dog! I've never had one of those! Today is only day two, but he's improved so much; Day one he was scared of the thing and wouldn't even come near it. I just kept using it around him to get him comfortable, and now today he approached it hesitantly again, but actually started chasing it across the floor and brining it back to me. He seemed to get the hang of that, as I just slid it across the floor, so then I started holding it up about shoulder-height and making him jump up to get it. He'd grab it and then walk away with it all prissy like, like you could tell he knew he did a good job, haha. And he did, I'm so proud of him! I'm going to give him a week of this stuff and then we'll actually get into the throwing it through the air thing. He's even very much improving on the "drop it" command when he brings me a toy, which is awesome. He's been letting it go on the first try now so I don't have to pry it from his mouth, haha... Aw, he's such a great puppy, I love him so much! <3
Anyway... here is a new picture I did in my studio!
The lighting is a little off, but the chroma keying is perfect. I look like I'm really in Philly, no? ;) Fun with green screens! I set that shit up in my garage to get this picture, I love how portable the set up is...
So yeah... the bike is pretty sexy. ;)
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Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
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How is it... that FOUR (4!) pasts all contact me in the same day? Today was straight out of the twilight zone, and once again, I could not even write this shit, this is just... beyond ridiculous!
I wake up to a text out of nowhere from Raquel at seven-something this morning... No, I did not even respond. Throughout the day, this girl Jess from a whiiile ago texts me - so long ago, that I didn't even know who she was. The text just said "Hey pretty girl" and I had to be an asshole and ask who it even was, haha... where the hell I met her, etc. Weird. Once I finally figured out who she was, I still never found out why in the world she was texting me out of the blue... then Heather (remember her - not the bartender though, she's ANOTHER story!) texts me to tell me she's moving, so I should probably come get all my stuff from her house that's been there for the months I haven't seen her in... and then lastly, as I'm at my house getting ready to drive to Heathers, Dani sends me an IM out of nowhere! Hello, today is awfully strange...
So Raquel I never even acknowledged - Jess, I talked to for awhile and she still wants me to come into her salon, but I realllly don't want anyone else to do my hair if they don't have to, as I pretty much love my current stylist despite her being all the way in Orlando... so we'll see if she follows up with that random text - we haven't spoken in months. I also haven't spoken to Heather in months just because of the intensity that constantly ensued our being together... It was all too much, so I took a step back. But seeing her again today just totally brought it all back... And Dani... oh, Dani haha. She basically wanted to share with me that her and Ashley had broken up. SURPRISE, surprise! And who's the first girl you want to tell? Yeeeah...
Yikes. I'm going to end up sleeping with one of them, I know it. Two I've already been there with, the other two are mere mysteries I've yet to discover. One has my curiosity more than the other... Ugh, I can tell it's just that time, haha. That long stretch I've gone that's longing for it's end, HAHA.
It's not really the bike, is it? EVERYONE's first reaction was "Wow, you're going to get even more girls now!" but I honestly didn't think it would make a difference, being that most girls know nothing about bikes, much less even care about them. But I post one picture and it becomes a day of sorts... hmmm....
I don't think so though... I think it's coincidence. Maybe?
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HOW do I attract SO many people without even trying?! With such an "untouchable" exterior, how do I get myself involved in these CRAZY situations?!
So first off, one of DANI'S friends has been trying to talk to me, along with some other girl I just had to blow off even though I don't do that, just because of how obnoxious she was - she told me like 50x a day how "hot" I was and would text me ALL day long wanting to have like... conversations! She was a dancer, as if I'd give any dancer the time of day... I think she eventually got the hint, because the "I can't BELIEVE you're single!" texts have stopped, along with the constant MySpace stalking... but then one of Dani's friends found me...
This girl, however, I did shrug off just the same, until we actually started having conversations. People click for different reasons, and her story just immediately attracted me to her because it was exactly the same as mine, and if you can believe it - even worse. It's rare that I find anyone at all that was raised in the same manner I was, but like when I do because it makes you a certain type of person in the end; Of course we're more rebellious because of how held down we constantly were in the most critical of times when a teenager must express themselves freely - but on the opposite end of that spectrum, you also have to look at how driven it makes a person, how passionate and persistent it makes someone, because their whole live has been a struggle and they've finally broken free and are now allowed to just be themselves... but it's like the fight is just instilled in us, we never lose it. When you're brought up in solitude, you don't lose yourself in the charades of teenage life, you build yourself - and once you're finally able to express yourself, you'll end up projecting quite a dynamic personality due to all of this...
So anyway, I noticed this about her almost immediately. Plus the fact that she was VERY articulate, SO grammatically correct with every word - even puts the comma before the word 'too'! HOW many people really understand that?! Obviously, that one little acknowledged comma was enough to win me over, HAHA - well enough to get me to take you seriously, I guess. She is very, very cute but just lost my attention instantly once she mentioned Dani. But man... she asked me one day if she could hear one of my songs, so I sent her a song I covered on piano that had 5,000 views, figuring 5,000 people viewed the thing, and all the comments were positive so that one was the only one I felt comfortable enough to send... She tells me she loves my voice, etc and then tells me she sings, too! Of course I ask her to return the favor then, and she does the same thing - downplays her voice so much and forewarns me of all these things before I hear it... and then I hit play... and holy SHIT! If people literally "fell out of chairs," that's exactly what I would have been doing. I had to listen again... this girl should be signed, she's so good. She then proceeds to tell me she got accepted into some college as a voice major and I'm like "Girl, wtf!" haha... at that point I wished she'd never seen my video, HAHA. So this went on for a little while... something about her would impress me infinitely, and vice versa... I finally started to warm up to the girl, so when she asked me if we could hang out this weekend, I said sure. She lives near Melbourne...
But she texted me Friday night, and I said "I'll be in Orlando tomorrow," indicating that's when I'd see her, after I was done with what I needed to do in Orlando. She asked me "Where in Orlando again?" and I told her, but she never said anything back... I proceeded to Orlando the next day, and she never sent me anything all day - so I just went back to Tampa. I'm not like... going to go out of my way for a girl ever again, there's no reason for that. If you ask to see me, then follow up on your own plans - I'm not going to have to be the one hunting you down to find out where you are. So I end up back in Tampa...
And here comes the real story, haha...
This new girl I work with, I wondered from day one what her tendencies were... One day when I was helping her set up her computer, she noticed the diamond ring I sometimes wear on my left hand to keep people away. She asked kind of perplexed-like "Oh, are you married??" and I just said "HA! No... I'm not even... straight!" and she just says "Haha oh I didn't think you were.... straight, I mean." I laughed, and this led to other conversations of my preference on the days that followed, but she never once gave any indication that she was anything but straight. But it still had me wondering, just because of the way she'd talk to me... and look at me. But I took it all with a grain of salt and thought nothing of it...
But yesterday, just some subtle gestures that occurred, followed by the "You smell really good..." line that indicated ANYTHING BUT straight, haha really had me wondering. She expressed to me that she really needed help with her computer at home, and since I was so good with helping her with hers at work, she wanted to see if I'd come over and do the same with her personal computer. A devious grin washed over my face, as I just said "Sure..."
I'm laughing SO much inside, but at the same time am still REALLY unsure of this girl! I mean she's ten years older than me, we have like nothing in common besides having dogs as kids, and the fact that we both believe in 2012 (haha) but... I just didn't know. So I come home and am not even sure what the hell to wear, haha as I have NO idea what I'm in for... but when I call her to say I'm about to leave, and she tells me some side story of how she just got home from buying new sheets... THAT was the indicator right there, haha! "Dear GOD," I thought as I then dressed complicated on purpose, and then contemplated how I'd handle this... I mean - I'd be lying if I said my mind didn't already assist itself to the thought of fucking her, but I didn't really know if I could honestly do it. Because it would just be a mark on a bed post to me, I have no real feelings for this girl at all...
And here's the thing - I know everyone compares me to "Shane," and I do have the mindset of that character, I can admit - but as for actually executing those many endeavors... she could do it with just any girl - I can't seem to just be that casual unless the girl is exceptionally hot, haha. That's why it was so easy for me to sleep with Dani on day two - because she was so fucking hot! So my mind automatically goes there, but I know I won't physically be able to execute it unless there's something really striking about this person... it's weird.
So anyway, I get there and like... we're talking about random work shit. We laugh about some of the internal relationships going on and I tell her that the reason a co-worker was laughing when she invited me over, was because we know that line by now and it never means "yeah, just to hang out" haha, that it always means come into by bed! And she was like "Well, that is what I really called you over here for..." and I just laughed and made some joke as she did the same. I'm not stupid, I knew where that was leading, even in jest... and eventually, it all came out.
She goes into a story, of why she's in FL. And low and behold, here comes the bomb - she had a girlfriend of three years... the only girl she's ever dated, but it was for that long. I knew it! I was honestly shocked because she hides it WELL, but I knew it... She lives a secret life, she really does. And she just let me into it... alll of it! I just sat there baffled at what I was supposed to do now, now that I knew she was obviously into me for one reason or another, enough to tell me all this... but I just... I couldn't bring myself to progress the night into where it was probably supposed to end up. I left around eleven, which is way early, just because I kind of felt so awkward. Any time anyone asks you to keep a secret, it is a lot to ask of someone. People already can pick up on certain things and have formed their own conclusions, but... it won't be my place to seal the truth.
How the HELL does this ALWAYS happen to me? I'm like a magnet, I swear... the only reason I'm well suited to write this screenplay that I KNOW will take off is because of all these crazy experiences! I couldn't even come up with this shit, this is just... a never ending story of sorts! The characters that I've met along the way... the way I can describe my experiences with them in such great detail, puts even me right back into the picture with every word I read. I've got to get this going, this shit would sell, haha...
I actually did register for Screenwriting II next term for this reason alone. I'm going to begin this sitcom in that class. Go all the way back to 2001 where it all started, and begin my story there. It is clearly Sex and the City meets The L Word, and with how amazingly well both of those shows went, I have a lot of trouble believing that what I have to bring to the table couldn't last just as long. I've got to do this! I keep saying it, but do not have the time to sit down and read through nine years of journal entries - especially now that my stupid fucking work has blocked this site. That was the only way I found this feasible... but I guess if I'm forced to do it for an assignment, I'll find a way - kind of why I chose that class so soon; school is the only way to make me do something. It's the only thing I give a shit about, the only thing that can force me to get in gear.
If I can accomplish this, I will never care that I walked off of that production with Girl Girl, and I will never regret it. I don't regret it as of now, but if they do end up taking off, I probably will then. But with Shannon still on with them, I have my doubts about how far that can really go... but The L Word JUST ended, I bet there's numerous fights right now over which show will be powerful enough to take it's place... What I need to do is find a partner. I don't think I can pull this off alone, so I need to like... consult an instructor who's already IN the business and seek guidance on how to effectively execute this endeavor. The only problem is that they're all guys... the only female I know is the department chair and... well, she's definitely not a lesbian and I'm not sure how she'd react to the show at all. I just don't think any of my male instructors would "get it" or see the potential in it. I need someone who's seen The L Word, or even Sex and the City and could make an honest comparison (or lack thereof) of my show with those. Because if the comparison is seen (but only in subtle ways, mind you - I'm not trying to rip anything off) then it should be clear that there is potential in this. I think it compares to Sex and the City within my writing style, it's completely like the character of "Carrie" in that show, in that she's constantly analyzing everything and breaking it down into a column, which funny enough is exactly what I do, but in a journal. And then the ways it compares to The L Word is obvious... the stories they came up with were really good... but I totally think I could compete and be the successor to that show. And for me to have this much faith in something says a lot - especially when it's something I've created, haha.
But anyway, that initial girl (Dani's friend) is all sad that I didn't go see her, haha. She just now texts me, and I told her I was already back in Tampa. "What? Why???" Haha... because, girl! You make the effort, not me! Now that girl, on the other hand... I'll get in trouble with because I won't have any problems letting her lure me into her bedroom, HAHA... See what I mean... shameless! But you know what, I'm more content being this way than how I used to be. Before, I would have made sure I was texting her to make sure I could see her - would have gone out of my way just to go see her, and would have thought about nothing but seeing her the whole time I was in Orlando... ugh, how draining! Fuck it, I live more now by "If it happens, it happens..." and I've learned to expect nothing. Because if I didn't, I would be bummed right now that I didn't get to see her... but I'm not. I simply don't care, and that's good. I'm tired of being so wrapped up in girls, tired of giving them my all. I've truly been hardened by circumstance, so even though I do kinda like this girl - I don't even let it show. I have bigger things on my mind and am done letting girls get in the way. If something happens, fine - but I'm not putting any thought into it, and not wasting any energy on it either...
I did end up telling my Mom about the bike while I was out there though, heh... I knew she'd find out anyway, so she may as well of heard it from me. She didn't seem as upset as I think she kind of is. She did voice that she's scared because of the way I drive my car alone, which... god, I can't even deny, haha. The day after she said that, I end up next to some kitted Honda Accord that made me laugh, so I stayed behind for a little while and then when I got an opening, dropped it into 5th and flew by him, switching to 6th right beside him so he could tell I was trying to show him up, and inevitably here he comes! It was so epic as I watch the needle progress up the tachometer, and out of nowhere as our speed is progressing, we enter some patch of rain but neither of us slow despite it. I actually know this is a bad idea, as my tires are racing tires NOT meant for rain, so as I looked beside me and saw that my car was still pulling hard on his no matter how hard he tried, I let off at 110mph and finally turned on the windshield wipers, haha. Coincidentally his turn was coming up anyway so he slowed, too and as I saw him getting into the turn lane from my rear view (fucker never even made it past me!) I pulled the asshole card and flashed my hazards twice to flaunt my victory, HAHA... But this is exactly what I mean, I can't see myself not doing those things, so it was hard to reassure her. The only thing I can say is that a bike is much different, and I will NOT be racing THAT. That is such a different scene, and motorcycle racing is fucking intense and doesn't happen nearly as often. It's not like a car - when you can go 0-60 in 2 seconds flat, how long do you think a street race on a bike can really last? It doesn't... that's why it doesn't happen. Plus, I didn't buy a bike worth racing. Yeah it's fast, but compared to the other bikes I'll be pulling up next to, mine will almost always be slower. Everyone around here drives 1000's, I've seen them all every time I drive. I could never compete with a 1000 and will probably get shit for owning a 650, but fuck 'em. Look at me, do I LOOK like I could handle a 1000? If someone can't understand this is my first bike, then it's no one I should really even associate with. This Ninja is actually even a lot of bike for a first bike, but I just didn't want to start too small with something I'd get over in less than a year...
Either way, I'm taking all the right precautions - taking the RideSafe class, wearing the gear, etc... and if I end up dying on this thing, just know that I probably died with a smile, haha and doing what I love most. If life was meant to be lived in a box, then I never would have escaped the box I was held in for seventeen years... but I did, because there is so much more to life than daily routines. You have to keep trying new things and expanding your knowledge. I don't know the first thing about bikes and have never felt the thrill of driving one even though the option is wide open for anyone... so this is just one more thing I want to experience and gain knowledge in. Who knows what it will be next! :)
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I am so... utterly embarrassed, shocked, upset, and quite frankly offended on the highest level by the allegations brought forth that ensued my last entry... I just got a phone call from someone who was just interrogated about the activities that took place at work that last Friday. Evidently, some people are saying I was "tripping" under my desk, even though I was clearly in a fetal position, which can only indicate one thing... jesus christ!
We finally just got a new VP (what has it been, a month now?) and she was calling everyone into her office one by one yesterday. As my time approached, I wanted to make a good impression so I was on time and all the rest... yeah, SHE was behind and an entire hour later, an assistant was telling me that she just went to go get a glass of water, but she was ready for me. So I wait outside the door, so as not to intrude on her office, and I see her coming around the corner. I smile and tell her I didn't want to go i her office without her being in there, but she doesn't say much. Now this meeting is supposed to be about getting to know us, so she asked me vague questions (how long have you been here, what are your career goals, and what are you studying?) Those were the only three questions she had for me, while everyone else was in there for clearly a lot longer. Not to mention, the fucking lady was ON HER PHONE TEXTING the whole time I was trying to talk to her! After those three questions, it was then right into "So why are your number so low...?" That was very short, because I'm actually above average right now; out of fucking 30 of us, 15 are at 3 or below for the month. I'm at 4, which of course isn't good but I'm nowhere near singled out here - so I didn't spend hardly any time justifying myself... but after that, it was done. I got a whole five minutes with her, while everyone else had 15-30. Wouldn't you think that was weird?
And now I hear that same lady started asking my "team leader" all these questions about me today, concerning the "incident" that happened Friday. Fuck her, fuck them all seriously. I am SO offended and ready to figure out somewhere else to work because this is just one incident... On Wednesday, when I'm in class all day, I come down to my desk on breaks to check my voicemails and see if any of my students need me for anything. Yeah, going out of my way, NOT on the clock... and not THREE minutes of me being at my desk last Wednesday, a manager was already at my desk talking about how I was inappropriately dressed. I told her I wasn't even clocked in nor working that day, that I was a student and allowed to wear whatever I wanted - she said it was actually someone else who called her attention to the matter, and now I'm just getting pissed. With that, and now this bullshit of hearing someone is trying to call me out for doing drugs at work... I mean come the fuck on! Whoever this is, as I'm assuming it must be the same person because I get along with everyone, I'm going to find out. I'm going to get to the bottom of this bullshit, and whoever is trying to fuck me over will fucking regret it. These are two totally obscene allegations, how can anyone not see that?? Yes, I fucking came in to WORK in street clothes... the girl who wears a suit and tie EVERY day when I don't even have to! And the week before, I decided to drop acid and come to work... please! I'm fucking livid...
I don't even know what to do, because the girl who told me this said that if I bring it up, it's only going to make me look guilty - and maybe she's right, but I'm fucking offended! These people are talking all this shit behind my back all the way up to MANAGEMENT, and I'm just supposed to sit back and let it happen? When the FUCK did I make any enemies?! I asked her if she thought I should go buy a drug test (cleanser) and she said no... I asked her if she thought I should start looking for another job, and she also said no, so... I don't know how severe this all really is, but...
All I know is I just bought a street bike last night, so this is REALLY bad fucking timing for shit to go down if it's going to. I've been saving for awhile now for this bike, and if something happens right after I blow thousands of dollars on this thing... that's just my fucking luck. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do...
So yeah, this kind of takes the wind right out of my excitement of finally getting my bike, but... here she is:
2007 Kawasaki Ninja 650cc
Yellow and black to match the whip... I fucking LOVE this bike! I did decide to go with the brighter colored bike as more of a safety precaution, so people will see me better; And it took a long time to come to the decision of a 650, but I really think it was the most practical. The 600's that I wanted were just monsters... I only wanted the Yamaha R6, or the Honda CBR600RR; Both of which are really more for experienced riders. But... this Ninja isn't too far behind them, it's just not as much of a "sportbike" as those are. Ryan's R1 will go 0-60 in two seconds flat... that's just ridiculous! This Ninja will do 0-60 in double the time, four seconds. So I mean, it's still a VERY fast bike, I can still outrun absolutely any car on the road, Ferrari's included - but this bike is still limited in it's capabilities, as I did not buy the fastest Ninja available. From a car perspective, this would be like... me buying the tiburon my brother did, instead of the one I have. Like, I got the fastest, highest trim available, and he got the same exact car, but the one that was not as fast and has no leather, etc...
Either way, I'm happy with it. I'm super excited but won't ride it until I take the RideSafe class, so... I can only be so excited for now, heh. Plus, the weather has not permitted any sort of riding lately anyway... but man when that sun comes back out... I'm going to have a perma-grin, HAHA! ;)
I need to go gear shopping now... helmets, jackets, gloves, etc. I'm too pretty too be getting scuffed up, HAHA. ;)
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Well... today was the second time in my life I've had to experience such embarrassment... A complete day of de ja vu, NOT pleasant. :(
I've been really skeptical about my job lately with everything going on, and the way I haven't been sleeping well at all lately (for whatever reason) has made me late to work on several occasions. They've started cracking down on attendance and doing walk throughs now to see who's actually here. (They never do that.) So... with that being said - when I woke up this morning to find my monthly gift had arrived, I was in moderate pain but took painkillers immediately, before even brushing my teeth... but in the thirty minutes it took me to get ready, the pain had not subsided yet. Determined to make it to work on time, I got in my car and drove to work anyway. The entire drive was a haze... the pain was definitely getting worse with each amount of physical energy exerted, and eventually I had one hand clenching my stomach and one on the steering wheel - when it came time to shift, I could barely even take my hand off my stomach to do so.
I make it to work, and as I'm walking through the parking garage, a huge heat wave came over me. This was it, I knew this was the point things were going to get severely worse from here. I walked as fast as I could up the stairs to my desk, thinking that if I could just stay still, I'd be alright... but as I got to my desk, my body temperature only got higher and higher because the fucking air was evidently turned off all night. I start to sweat profusely, and lay my arms and face on my desk just to feel something cool on my skin to regulate my body temperature... but soon that position turned into the fetal position in my chair, which was then followed by me literally on the floor, under my desk. Of course this alarmed co-workers around me, and eventually I had a circle of people all around me. All I could exclaim was "It's so hot, it's SO hot..." they brought me water, but kept insisting that I try to get up. I explain what's going on, and that if I do not stay laying down, I will no doubt pass out from the pain. People standing over me with wet rags, water, and fanning me with notebooks then eventually drew the attention of a manager, and she was just like "Someone needs to call 911, she can't be laying there like that..." I tried to choke out "No, please don't do that, I can't even move right now for anything" but as she walked away, I knew I needed to try to get up so that they hype wouldn't get worse.
I look up and can barely see the faces hovering around me... I mean literally, blinded by the pain. I only knew who came to my side my voice recognition, I saw not once face. I pull myself back up into my chair, but that's as far as I can get. One of my co-workers offers to drive me home, since I had already stated there was no way I could drive. I tell him yes please, let's do anything we can to get me out of here and I'll try my best to cooperate - so he wheels me through the building in my desk chair, haha... down the elevator and everything, it was so ridiculous. We get downstairs and sure enough, there was my manager standing with security, who was on the phone with an ambulance. "No, please!" is all I can exclaim as my co-worker fills them in on what I can't choke out, that he's going to take me home. They agree to just let me take this route and cancel the ambulance. My co-worker brings his car around to the front of the building, and while I'm waiting in that chair, I once again could not hold myself up like that and stay conscious. Luckily there were couches beside me, so I laid across one of them and waited. My poor co-worker had just cleared out his front seat to put me in, and when he came in and I saw he had the front door open for me and everything, I was like "Man I'm so sorry, but I seriously cannot sit up right now, I have to lay down." So he takes everything back out of the back seat and puts it in the front, haha. It was so sweet, he had his AC on full blast already, too.
So here I am, feeling like I'm dying as I'm trying to give him directions from the back seat while seeing nothing but clouds, haha. We manage, and he gets me home - gives me his phone number in case I have no one to help me get my car back, as it was still at the school now. Man I can't tell you the amount of respect I have for a lot of my co-workers after that - I mean, they were all there for me, doing anything they could even though they really couldn't comprehend the situation and I know it. No one really can unless you've been through it - and not many girls have this so bad that it leaves them completely out of commission the way it does me. What sucks the most is I fucking knew this about my body, but I pushed myself anyway because I really don't want to lose this job. And now look what happened, I just embarrassed myself completely, haha.
I immediately crawled up my stairs one by one and threw myself on my bed, assuming the fetal position just waiting for the painkillers to kick in. I mean what the fuck was taking so long?? I guess I passed out, because I didn't open my eyes again until noon. That shit is so crazy, and I don't even know what to do about it. By far the most excruciating pain I've ever felt, it's hard to look at me covered in tattoos and piercings and wonder how I can't take pain - i know that's what a lot of them were thinking today, but... you have no idea. This feels nothing like that pain, this is ten thousand knives stabbing you in the abdomen deeper and deeper with each breath you take... this is your intestines being twisted so tightly that they're tearing apart... this is the feeling of dying, because you black in and out of consciousness and if you're not completely still, you'll just completely black out. I was drenched in sweat, shaking and completely out of it. I never want to feel that way again... but I can tell you of several other occasions, so it's inevitable that I will. :(
I don't even know what to do about this at all. It's the most helpless feeling, on top of the most painful feeling. I guess I could look into a three month shot, I just really don't want to use birth control as a painkiller. There's got to be another way, or maybe I just need to get checked out because I don't hear of anyone else going through this. But it's been since I was about twenty - I'll never forget the first time it was this bad, because once again, I was at work... crawling across the floor in pain, haha. Only that time I had no idea yet what this pain was, so it was even more embarrassing! I'll never forget describing it to a friend sitting with me on the floor as "this feels like a severely bad acid trip, what the hell is wrong with me?!" Haha...
Can't wait to go back on Sunday and see everyone again... ugh. Worst. Day. Ever!
Thank god the weed man is coming tomorrow... I'm so spoiled getting that shit straight delivered from all the way across the state, HAHA. ;)
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Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
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statikmystre's journal
exhausted.
contemplative.
determined.
curious.
good.
accomplished.
hung-the-FUCK-over!.
disappointed.
enraged.
shocked.
gloomy.
devious.